my favorite song from this band

One Day

I Love You!

T.T

I am really emotional tonight. The plan was to continue my report at 8pm. Until now I am still not doing it. My emotion is really disturbed. I thought of the student who passed away a few months which now only I knew. I thought of her mother who passed away last year too... This add on to my emo night...

I feel that I am just so helpless. I have given my best, I have controled myself well enough. I really did. I have been patient enough even if it is over my limit. I swallow whatever that I do not like, whatever words that you used to tarnish me, whateve lies you told to me, whatever noise you make. I took it all. I accepted you as you are. My only request to you is not to create problems. I am really so tired. Can you just let me go. Sigh...

Sigh... Have I not done enough but to get this again and again? Sigh... Are you really learning? My boss called me in today to talk about something. Before she started she reminded me not to lose weight anymore, she said my face is getting thinner and thinner. How not to? I really don't know how not to... Not that I want. Who would want to be ugly?

Sigh... OH God, You know my name, You know my everthing. You know every struggle that I am going through. Please take charge of me, I believe Lord, I believe that You will be there for me. Yes Lord, I need You so much. I really need strength and courage. Lord, help me not to run away, not to pressure myself. You know my heart, You know what I'm thinking. Lord, give me, give me bravery. Lord please take it away! I'm broken. Heal me Lord!!! Keep me under Your wings and hold me tight. I'm feeling so insecure. I'm really so afraid. Take me! T.T

set me free Lord.

Crying Angel vs. Blackshirt Angel

I have been counselling a mother as I got to know about her family situations. She has an 8- year old daughter and a 4- year old autistic daughter.

Her problem with the autistic girl is better as we continuously guiding her. But the her problem with the 8- year old girl is bad. The girl does not really like her younger sister because since she came, all the attention she got from her parents disappeared. She experienced sudden lost of love. She felt that her mum loves her sister more than her. In addition, her mum told her once that she is not her biological daughter. This little girl took it seriously. She went round asking if this is true. She asked her grandparents and other relatives. She also told her friends about this.

I was stunt to know that she told her that because this statement is gonna hurt the girl. Some more the sudden lost of love will assure her that this is true. I encouraged the mother to explain to her daughter because I foresee this will lead to greater problem. After that little girl got to know the her mum is her mum, I guess she is happy and she told her friends that her mum was just joking with her.

This little girl seems to have the habit to write. The reason she write is to express herself. She wrote a letter one day saying,"You will not be able to see me anymore. Even after 100 years you wont be able to see me. I wanna leave now. You don't love me anymore. I love you." At the back of that paper she wrote," Go away, don't talk to me." This is what her mother always says to her. I think she is a talkative girl. A child being a child, she would have a lot of questions to ask. Few weeks before this her mum told me that she found this paper. Yesterday, she brought to me and I read it. I nearly broke down when I saw that little letter. She drew a crying angel in the middle of that paper.

Besides, her mom feels uneasy to hug her. The reason is she thinks that she has grown up so she doesn't need anything like this. I encourage her to start feeding her with loving touch if not as she grows she will seek love out out there. Sigh...

Whenever the mother came to talk to me with teary eyes, I will become like that also. But I control myself. I pity the family. Yeah, frankly they really need "family therapy". I feel for the girl and I understand her feeling. When the closest ones become "strangers", there's no one to turn to, no one to depend on. The feeling of being rejected is too hurtful. I hope I will be able to help her.

This reminded me of myself, I used to call myself Blackshirt Angel. I wrote to pen pals. I wrote to bridges and I wrote to a dead person that I do not know. I did not know God that time. I was a confused and a lost child. ICQ and Chatroom was a place for me to release my sadness but not to people that I know, only strangers. All these passed. Life went on until now. I'm still alive...

Dear girl, you are not alone. There is some ONE up there knows your struggles. He knows everything about you. Even if everyone rejects you or leave you alone, He will be there. I hope that you will find Him. I will be there for you, praying for you too. *Hugs*

She was driving last Friday on her way to Cincinnati
On a snow white Christmas Eve
Going home to see her Mama and her Daddy with the baby in the backseat
Fifty miles to go and she was running low on faith and gasoline
It'd been a long hard year
She had a lot on her mind and she didn't pay attention
she was going way too fast
Before she knew it she was spinning on a thin black sheet of glass
She saw both their lives flash before her eyes
She didn't even have time to cry
She was sooo scared
She threw her hands up in the air

Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
Save me from this road I'm on
Jesus take the wheel

It was still getting colder when she made it to the shoulder
And the car came to a stop
She cried when she saw that baby in the backseat sleeping like a rock
And for the first time in a long time
She bowed her head to pray
She said I'm sorry for the way
I've been living my life
I know I've got to change
So from now on tonight

Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
Save me from this road I'm on

Ooh, Jesus take the wheel
Ooh, I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
Save me from this road I'm on
From this road I'm on
Jesus take the wheel
Ooh, take it, take it from me
Ooh ooh wah ah ooh ooh ooh