I Belong to YOU!

Today Kok Ming is on call again. I went for night worship alone. Well, not really alone but with Foong. I didn't feel that bad. I'm very afraid because I don't feel belong though I know my reason of going is to meet God. And almost every time God spoke to me through the night worship. Even tonight.

Maybe my soul started questioning, who am I, which I tried to escape. I tried to pretend that there's nothing wrong with my soul. I wasn't doing my quiet time lately. The first thing I did when I went to work is to start working. Before that I usually did my quiet time. I did it almost every day without fail. I arrived an hour earlier so I have plenty of time. But I chose to start work. Every Monday, I have to open prayer. I began to utter prayers that I didn't even know what I was praying. I was not passionate as before.

I even began to doubt my ability, to feel that I'm a failure in many ways. I began to feel that I couldn't lead, I should not be the leader. I don't worth any respect. I began to feel distance, I don't belong to my work, my church, my home, and everything else.

Jervin, Lap Foong and my sister will be leaving me behind to pursue their studies. Maybe I put them before God, I enjoyed their presence so much that I can't let go. Looking at the other people which I don't know how to feel belong to. It's so hard for me to make the first step to mix with them. I just feel hard. At first I thought I'll wait on the Lord, wait for Him to show me. Now that I'm not even there yet, I stumbled. I gave in to my weariness. I really gave in to my weariness. I started to be impatient, I was irritable, I hate people asking me questions even my mum. Sigh...

I really lost myself. Until this morning, I looked at the newspaper, the news of the kids crying for help, the facial expressions of them all, the cry from their hearts, a mother keep motivating her son to stay strong under the rocks, the kids dead bodies, the people who were and are still trying hard to rescue them, those who are still waiting for their loved ones to be rescue and those who are expecting the worse, tears swelled in my eyes. And a lady crying her heart out because of the death of her hubby. Sigh... I was speechless. I did not let my tears roll down. I was stubborn. I tried not to think about it. Sigh...

However, God will not just let me go. He wanted me to do something. He wanted me to come back. he wanted me to know that I'm His. When I was on the way to church, I was asking myself, where do I belong? When Kok Ming is on call, where do I go? Who do I talk to? Well, I did talk to God at times especially when i need to face people. I am really, really very afraid to see their faces. Really, really very afraid. So same thing here, when my sis is not here anymore, where do I belong? When they leave, where to i belong? I tried to pretend that I'm fine. I just... Sigh... When Vincent was back, I felt so happy. At least I know there is some body that I know.

I did not recognize the problem until today. That I finally have to face it before God. The first song that was sung/shared entitled Who Am I. As I was listening to this song, I just couldn't control my tears and my heart turned sour. My soul was like telling me, this is the problem, God said," Kid, you don't know who you belong to? You belong to ME, I love you so much, you belong to ME!" Then fine, I continue to worship and gave thanks to Him for loving me and thanking Him for accepting me even when I don't deserve it.

Then, came another small voice in my heart saying," How can you blame Kok Ming for being busy? How can you say that you don't belong anywhere? How can you? Look at China, where and who do those people belong to except those who have Christ? Are you not satisfied with what you have? Why are you not appreciating people around you? Why do you show impatience to you parents? Those babies don't even know who their parents are. Their parents may have died. Who do they belong to then?" This came during the second song.

Then Kian Aun chose another song which I used for Vineyard Keepers' Thanksgiving Night Movie. Thankful Heart by Matt Redman. As we were singing, almost near the end, my mind had a picture of myself kneeling down asking for forgiveness, my knee jerked a bit, I dared not kneel down because I was self- conscious but I told myself not to grieve the Spirit anymore, I knelt down and my body was trembling. I asked God for forgiveness, I prayed for China asking God to shine forth His Glory. Shower them with love and comforts. Then after washed cups, I left immediately.

Before I left, I just feel that I should do something to my mum to help her grow. I hope I can bring her to night service in Chinese Assemble to worship God together with her. Pray with me. Thanks.