Trying to Identify

I felt like crying since last night. I did not know why. Even today I also have the same feeling. I was trying to identify my feelings. Sorry to those whom I showed my mood to especially you, darling. Sigh... I did not mean it. I know something went wrong in me which I tried to ignore and tried to be optimistic. That is really not me. Some how, crying helped.

Lately, my workplace came an aunt who is attached to our center sent by Dr. Shanmugam from Hospital Fatimah. Last two days, she was assigned to help in the branch which is where I'm working now. She always praises me to be capable to keep the center in order, to keep the programme running and so on. She said I'm pretty and young looking. In short, she praised me a lot. She is 41 years old.

We chatted quite a lot of general things. I think maybe she received stress from people from the HQ. Some people there were gossipping about other people in the center. She couldn't take it that's why she indirectly told me about it. When I heard her saying that she will not let her ears lead her or influence her, I already knew what was she trying to say. But i did not make any comment.

During lunch time, again she made the same comment and I guess she found me trustworthy or she felt comfortable talking to me about that issue. She indirectly talked more about it. Sigh... So I told her not to calculate with sick people. That colleague is having depression and another one is... I do not know how to describe also. Sigh... She also knew that she has depression. So we both agreed not to calculate. Another colleague told her about another colleague as well. And they both talked about me too. They said my "boss'' favour me more and etc. The first day she came that colleague already gossips about others. Sigh... They also bad mouth my "boss". Sigh...

I think this the thing that is bothering me now. I feel very disappointed. They are not kids, they are adults. How can they do that? How can they mislead people? I'm very upset to have such colleagues. Sigh... I'm not bothered by what they talked about me but I'm upset because of their intention to hurt me. Sigh... Why do I still work there after so much stress and tedious issues? I did think of leaving since last year. But there is no other opening that convinces me to do that. Money factor? No, I'm not earning much from this job too. Just that I enjoy it minus all those jealousy and gossips. Haiz... Tired!

Another thing that just happened was I scolded a friend. My restlessness plus heard a lot of stuff that this person commented on other people. I misunderstood (maybe) that this person did the same again. I apologised after I got home. Hope that person already forgive me. I really hate myself for being such a harsh person. Sigh... I feel like dying! What am I here for?