Femininity

I really, really enjoyed Pastor Edmund's session with us today. Umm... he is an ex-gay, as in, last time he was a homosexual. Hmm... He is a mix, his father is a White and his mother is a Malaysian. His childhood was bad. As he was sharing, my mind was provoked. His sharing brought me back to my childhood as well and all the info that I'd been receiving from different people, info about marriage or the opposite gender and at the same time I was receiving bad treatment from females.

Those info were from my parents' example, and from one of my female tutor. She educated us, gals to be independent and not to depend on men. She added that men are not reliable etc. She was feeding us with all the negatives side of it. So I do not really have confidence in marriage. I gotta overcome it. And I realized I have a lot of things to overcome. Sigh...

Oh well, yeah, I can't deny that I was a confused child and even right now I can be very confused with a lot of things especially when there is an argument going on. Hmm... I am not sad to be brought back to my past though. How should I organize my thoughts? I'm famous with disorganize in my work place when comes to sharing thoughts etc.

When I was young, my dad said this very often," I hate you the most! I dislike you!" He rejected me many, many, many times. I couldn't forget this. Last time, whenever I remembered what he said, I wept, silently in my room alone! Nobody knew that what he said hurt me very deeply. I started to build a wall inside my heart. I was only 6- 7 years old. I didn't know what to do but to pretend to be strong. Nobody ever praised me and nobody ever appreciated my presence. Oh well, God is always good though he was still a stranger to me that time. He sent me loving teachers who protected me in the kindergarten. I attended Sunday school too but those memories were too blur. I can only remember that I performed and I only remembered I refused to put on lipstick. (Heh!)

Since then, I didn't have any close relationship with my dad and though he said he hated me, he still provided me things that I needed and wanted. Most of the time, I tried not to depend on him. Any problem, I tried to settle by myself and I depended a lot on other people and myself. He favored my elder sister very much. And at the same time, my sister jealous over my height, that was when I was standard 2. So she started doing a lot of "stupid" stuff to trap me to be scolded and tp be beaten up. She hid my parents ICs and licenses, lit fire and put under the cupboard, hid our piggy banks, hid my books during exams, tore my books into small pieces when exam was near, forced me to do house work, when I refused, she burnt my hand with matches or bang my head to the wall, threatened me etc. All that she'd done, she accused me in front of my parents. They trusted her so much. Nobody cared what I had to say.

Last time, I used to wet my bed until standard four (according to my counselor, that was a sign of insecurity in a child). So, one day, I am not sure what really happened but I think I didn't follow her way, that was in the morning, she urinated on the floor and then called my mum saying that I did that because I was lazy to go toilet. (at that time, everyone thought that I was lazy to get up from bed to go toilet). After hearing from my sister, she was very angry. She wanted to teach me a lesson, she forced my head down to the urine asking me to drink. Yeah, my heart was broken once again.

I hate CNY, I really hate CNY, my mum will complain to her sisters and brothers, even in laws what I had done which I didn't. All my relatives pointed their fingers at me advising me to be good! And they even looked down on me. I hate those eyes! I hate the way they looked at me. Not only my relatives, these things happened too often that my mum had no choice but to tell my teacher in school. I still remembered that incident. My sister stole my mum's money, about Rm 100. During my time, Rm100 was really big! I don't know how my sister spent those money. My mum brought this issue to my school. My teacher, my mum, myself and all my classmates were in the class. My teacher asked me whether I had stolen mum's money. At first I kept quiet and shook my head. After she asked a few times in front of everybody, I forced myself to admit it with tears in my eyes. Then my teacher continued asking where did i spend those money. Guess what I did? I made up stories. Sigh... That was tough! I gotta pretend that I was fine, continued to pay attention in the class.

Nobody knew that my heart was bleeding!

At the same time, my parents quarreled very often and my mum wanted to leave us. I still remembered how I tried to hide the house keys. And I witnessed how my dad beat my mum! I didn't have peace at home. I was a Buddhist because my parents are. So I started to pray, I prayed to Guan Yin. I asked him to take away half of my life to restore my parents' relationship. I cried every night and praying the same prayer over and over again. Their quarreled lasted until I finished Form 5. On and off they still fight! With all these, I stopped talking to them. I seldom talked, even when they asked me questions and my dad said I must be dumb. I just couldn't talk. I didn't really talk in school but I had pen pals and my nickname was Black-shirt Angel. I wore black most of the time too.

At the same time as well, I was often rejected by girls since Kindergarten. Until now I still do not know why. Since Kindergarten until secondary school. These things never stop happening. I was hurt over and over again. I tried to survive. I was not happy at all. I needed friends, so i started mixing with boys. I still remembered I started mixing with boys in kindergarten, a Malay boy and a Chinese boy whom the class hated. I mixed with them. I didn't know for what reason they hated them too.

I wanted a brother very much and I believed that if I ever have a brother, all these will not happen. Well, until now I still prefer mixing around with guys. I'm too afraid. My own sister treated me like that, one of my female teachers hated me, my girl friends rejected me and my aunts looked down on me. I do not and never have any confidence in gals. I was traumatized. I'm trying my very best already now! This really makes me tired. I am still very afraid.

yeah, come back to Pastor Edmund, he mentioned something about Hemophilic, which means we love our same gender friends very much that we can hold hands and hug each other which this usually happens in girls. Frankly, I don't have this kinda feeling, I don't have any girl friends that I can do this.

He also mentioned something about Self issue which I had and still have. When I was still young, I started a relationship with Kok Ming, and during that time, I still remember, I like buying guys stuff, i used to wear very loose clothings and I used to wear guys' Bermudas. I still remember how he stopped me from buying. And lately, there were 2 weddings, Peter's and Anne's. Well, usually people will dress very nicely to weddings and I often struggled. I struggled because I'm very afraid to dress up. Partly because I'm afraid of people looking at me, that's why I seldom wear Spaghetti straps tops. Partly also because i felt that it's too feminine.

When I reached church I was actually trying to hide behind Kok Ming. I just couldn't accept myself and so regretted to wear dress. And I felt that I looked weird. Kok Ming didn't praise me also, all that he will say is "Ok ah", "nothing's wrong" etc. I didn't get any firm assurance from him so I really dared not think that I looked good. After the wedding, we went Jusco for dinner, I was like," Huh, wear dress to Jusco?!" I started nagging and one comment from Kok Ming really struck me. he said," Ask you to do something more feminine also cannot!" Then he sighed. haha...

During the second wedding dinner, I was still fearful! Argh... I can't accept myself to be like that. How? Well, do not worry, I won't go into transgender/ transexual/ homosexual. It was all because of what had happened before what I am now! I'm still trying to come out of it. I'm really trying hard. I love today's sermon and the sharing. It was so refreshing and God can do mighty things that always amazes us. And I believe, I will be able to come out of it also. I need support though!