Wonderfully, Fearfully & Purposefully Made

Oh my, it's been an emotional day for me! A day to face myself and to face God. I do not really know how to start the story. I just know that I want to write something about it.

I had a roller coaster year of 2008. I guess it had not been a smooth one. There were a lot of tests and challenges which required me to make the right choices, to have self- control, to handle stress in the right manner and to know that God will never forsake me. I failed almost all of them.

I started my holidays since 18th Dec 2008 until 1st Jan 2009. Before I started my holidays, I was already in bad shape. I was exhausted and I was fed- up with a lot of things. Basically I was fed- up with everything. I shared with one of my colleagues as she knew best of what I'd been going through. I'd gotten assurance from her but I was still living in anger. I couldn't forgive and I struggled. I tried to put on masks in front of everyone. I appeared to be fine. Well, if I hid myself neat enough. Sigh...

Due to my anger and frustration, I started to drift away from God. At one point, I felt that I was not qualified to continue this journey with God. I kinda decided not to attend church anymore. I was irritable at home and at work. I tried to avoid that person, I tried to flee from the existing problem. Since school holidays started, I had not been spending time with God. I did not pray, I did not do anything that is related to God besides being there during Christmas for the sake of it. Due to my problem, I was very afraid to meet people especially people that I know. Funny enough! *Shrug* I was too tired that I even thought of letting go of my relationship with KM. I felt that I really couldn't handle. (This will be another post.)

What did I do during my holidays? My sister was back from Uni. We went shopping, squash, badminton, movies and jogging. I went out almost everyday. I went out in the morning and back in the evening. At night I hang out with old friends as well. I was busy attending dinners and luncheons. That helped me to have no time to think about my problems. I played squash almost 2- 3 times a week, badminton once a week, even twice a day, jogging in the morning and squash in the afternoon. I kept myself real busy!

Since October/ November 2008, I joined a friend and his gang for badminton. We play once a week. I got myself tension because I did not know them. The environment was new to me, the people were new to me and I seldom meet my friend. So I looked afraid. Yes, I was afraid. Sigh... We kept in touch through MSN most of the time. Those who know me well, through phone or MSN, I can really "talk" or I can express myself better. So he found me weird and he had been "complaining" to me that he did not know when I'm being real and when I'm not. His comment bothered me very much. I wasn't really happy about it. *EGO*
He had been "pushing" me to be myself. This phrase "be myself" caught me to think if I'm really being MYSELF. Half way, I quited. I did not want to think about it anymore.

Today, I attended a women conference organised by the W2W. Well, though I planned to go since my ex-colleague had been encouraging me to, I delayed the registration because I did not want to commit. I was thinking that I may have something on during that time. Some how, on 31st Dec 2008, I was reminded of the conference not by anybody, but by my mind.

I had a tough time today actually. I finally faced the problem and discovered that when I ran away from God, He had been speaking to me through my friend. I heard it but I couldn't identify that it was from Him until today. This is not the first time I went through this topic "Know Who You Are". But it still hit me hard. Aunt Cindy mentioned that it's okay to be yourself, everyone is wonderfully, fearfully and purposefully made. Each one of us is worthy. Each one of us is unique. I need to take a deep breath to accept this truth.

God really knows me so well that when I'd decided to conform to the world, He sent His people to tell/ remind me with His Word, Romans 12: 2. I did not attend the watch night service, still I received this verse and today, AGAIN, I was reminded not to be conformed to this world. Before this, God was using my friend to speak to me "to be myself", that is to change my mindset and do not worry, just "be myself". I'm dumb enough that I did not get it. I did not expect God to speak through this friend. *Teary eyes*

I'm not passive, at least at the moment. I was motivated and I hope that I will not disappoint God and myself through out this whole year. Few days ago, the same friend sent me a phrase in Chinese, he doesn't know Chinese so he wanted me to explain that phrase to him. After being translated, it goes something like this, "When EQ drops to the bottom, it's better to turn the frustrations/ anger to strength". I think it was another reminder from God, asking me to change the way I think and to transfer the energy for anger/ frustrations to strength for some thing more meaningful, at least use the energy to overcome it instead of wasting time and energy on frustrations and anger. Though, I am not regret of how I'd spent my holidays, at least I learned squash and made new friends. I rested well. It's time to go back to the battle field.

Let The Earth Stand Still For Awhile

We are walking too fast that some times we miss out something precious and meaningful. When we keep missing things that are meaningful, the further we walk, the more tired we feel. The more tired we are the more demotivated we are.

It's the time of the year. It's time to reflect on the journey of 2008. It's time to stop and think instead of keep walking. Let the earth stand still for a moment.

I'm too far...