Bad Day Again..not really bad just Emotionally Disturbed

Today I showed my frustration to her again. To her, yes! This happened because of the monthly programme again. I got frustrated because she always wants to have the last word and she always wants to involve other people when anyone questions her. She likes to fight back. She assumed i'll remember things for her again and again. I'd warned her the last time, "Do not assume!" I give suggestion and i will not remember it, things that were not confirmed i will not remember. I've so many things to think and remember. I am quite busy these few months. Sigh...why can't she use her common sense a bit?

I've never seen such a selfish person. She is a kind who want to finish her stuff fast and never think of other people's situation. She kept chasing me not only me, but others to get her things done. I really can't bear. This is her PERSONALITY!!! Sigh...

Frankly, i always felt bad when i lost my temper. Everyday, i see her and whenever she speaks, she will make people feel uncomfortable until at one time, she made one of colleagues cried! I really can't bear. Last night, i was not able to sleep well because i was trying to identify my feelings toward her. Do i hate her? Or because i still can't accept her?

In my head, i know i have to accept but when i see her, i want to avoid her. Sigh...i just don't know what i want to do with her. How should i treat her? What i mentioned above are only part of the stories, there are more unacceptable stories but i don't want to tell. In short, she just made me feel very uneasy.

There were many times she painted many different pictures to different people just to protect herself. She nearly caused division between me and my boss. Thank God we have the quiet understanding. Last night i sms my boss, i said i need to talk to her to settle the issue in me. I couldn't identify my feelings towards her.

So this morning we talked and i told her my feelings. She said some times she does have these feelings as well but we need to use our wisdom. When there is a need to tell her off, gotta do it. If there's nothing we can do to change her way, we have to change. If she doesn't want to change and can't see her problem we can't do anything. Nobody can help. Not even God. I'm reading this book called " Six steps to Emotional Freedom". The author said, God will not just heal us like that because He wants us to go through the process. We need to move out from our comfort zone. If He just heal us than we won't learn anything.

hmmm... i agreed! Sigh...i really hope that our relationship will get better. If you ask me whether i love her, Frankly, i love her. If she has any problem, my heart will go out for her. I tried to be her listener, her son's tutor, a good leader, but i think i still failed. Sigh...Why? That's why i don't want to be a leader. I hate to be a leader but God has been preparing me. Since the day i started working. Sigh...

I learned not to justify things. Let the truth reveal by itself. Let the people around me discover me by themselves. Though they may see me negatively. They may pass false judgment on me. I do not need to justify. And i found out that, justifying is a very selfish act. We want to justify because we want to protect ourselves. Go back to God and He will be our comfort. He will surely be there for us.

i must make sure i'll be able to control myself. My emotion. Sorry Vincent, sorry Arthur. Sorry for frightening you guys!
Thanks for cheering me up this evening!!! You guys are great! You guys really spiced up my life :)

I'm a Lesbian?

There is this guy called Arthur came to our center as a volunteer. When he came he was very cooled. He did not talk at all even when we called him etc. But me bad, i kept disturbing him. Hahaha... I pity him because he sat there alone with his work. There were 3 people at that working table, a student's mum, Arthur and I. So, he was a bit shy when that mother was around. After she left that table he started talking to me. Asking me questions and complaining about the work.

After that, he kept asking about my personal stuff. They way he asked question is by giving negative comments then only look for truth. Hahaha... how weird. So first comment was " I think nobody would want you as girl friend." After that we talked about other things. Second question came. " Are you a lesbian?" Then i was stunned, the small voice in my heart was saying,"hey kid, what is wrong with you or something? Did i "step on your tail"?"

Then i burst out laughing. He laughed with me. Then he started telling the lesbian story. He told me that he slapped a lesbain before. I was like em... ok. How dare you, slap? According to him, a friend of him introduced him a girl whom is not a lesbian. Then another girl whom is a lesbian ran over and took off that girl's top then accused him. That's why he slapped that lesbian.

Hmmm... School life can be this complicated. Then came the third question, "Why don't you go overseas to continue your studies?" Hmmm.. When i got this question i was thinking "Wow, kid, your so innocent, not that you want to go means you can go!" But he does not know my background. All he wanted to say was he would wanna go. And he thought i am still 17/ 18 years old. Hahaha...can bluff people with my face huh?

I was and am not mad with his questions. I felt very ticklish and the word "lesbian" is really something new. People said i'm boyish/ tomboy and one of my friends said he never treats me as a girl. But lesbian...hmmm...

hahahaha..how amazing...

I'm Touched. We just need to TRUST!

Hmmm... From last night until now i was amazed by many things. A friend of mine chatted with me last night and said that i encouraged him in some ways. Well, he has not told me how i'd encouraged him. I reflected about things that i'd done, to me i don't think i'm encouraging anybody. However I did.

I was amazed and i'm still looking for ways to accept that comment. Low self- esteem, really can't help to go through this. Anyway, i'm encouraged by his comment.

I don't know how many people have watched this movie called " Facing the Giants". It's a good show indeed. Very encouraging and it assured me again that with God, all things are possible. Hmmm... In my head i know it, somehow it's hard to trust or have faith in Him.

But God really did so many miracles in my life and in what i'm doing right now. The Sunday School closing, my students had to act and present a mime. You know, we practiced for a month, but the result was not satisfying. And all of us were very worried about the kids on the real day. But the night before that, i had a dream or i should say i had a nightmare. I dreamt that they were not taking instructions well, they performed badly. But i know my dream, if it's a bad one then in the real situation will turn out to be good.

I was assured by God through dreams even if you don't believe so. I've journal on my dreams. On that day i was not worried. I left everything to God and i know that He will take care of it. Whereas, my fellow partners and other teachers were nervous. I was still a little nervous until God answered all my prayers before everything started that day.

Oops, back to that movie. There is a question asked by the American Football coach after they won the game. "What is impossible with God??" All the players said, " NOTHING!" It's really true. I was very touched, that coach was blessed richly by God. He has an old car and he wanted to change but he can't afford but through out the days, God blessed him one 4- wheeled. And his wife who has difficulty to conceive, at the end she got it. There seemed no hope for his team to win, but they won. You see, "What is impossible with God?"

The answer is "NOTHING, Nothing at all!"

This morning, uncle William played a clip for the church at the end of his sermon. It was about a father and his son who is handicapped. He went through the marathon and triathlon with his son who can't walk and talk. This is the second time i watch this clip but the impact is still there. I prayed to God, i asked God to help me to be like the father who would go through all obstacles by faith and with love for the people around us.

This clip again assured me that God will go through every single problem with me as well. He will never, never leave me behind. And i should not leave anyone behind as well even if they can't meet my expectation. This assured me even stronger that there's nothing wrong with the management at my work place. We should go through every obstacles together though some of us are not able to meet our superior's expectation and this made me understand why God want my superior to manage the center this way. She is on the right track.

What an amazing and fruitful day!!!