04 July 2009 by oneway


















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my favorite song from this band

by oneway

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One Day

by oneway

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I Love You!

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02 July 2009 by oneway

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video

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T.T

01 July 2009 by oneway

I am really emotional tonight. The plan was to continue my report at 8pm. Until now I am still not doing it. My emotion is really disturbed. I thought of the student who passed away a few months which now only I knew. I thought of her mother who passed away last year too... This add on to my emo night...

I feel that I am just so helpless. I have given my best, I have controled myself well enough. I really did. I have been patient enough even if it is over my limit. I swallow whatever that I do not like, whatever words that you used to tarnish me, whateve lies you told to me, whatever noise you make. I took it all. I accepted you as you are. My only request to you is not to create problems. I am really so tired. Can you just let me go. Sigh...

Sigh... Have I not done enough but to get this again and again? Sigh... Are you really learning? My boss called me in today to talk about something. Before she started she reminded me not to lose weight anymore, she said my face is getting thinner and thinner. How not to? I really don't know how not to... Not that I want. Who would want to be ugly?

Sigh... OH God, You know my name, You know my everthing. You know every struggle that I am going through. Please take charge of me, I believe Lord, I believe that You will be there for me. Yes Lord, I need You so much. I really need strength and courage. Lord, help me not to run away, not to pressure myself. You know my heart, You know what I'm thinking. Lord, give me, give me bravery. Lord please take it away! I'm broken. Heal me Lord!!! Keep me under Your wings and hold me tight. I'm feeling so insecure. I'm really so afraid. Take me! T.T
set me free Lord.




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Crying Angel vs. Blackshirt Angel

by oneway

I have been counselling a mother as I got to know about her family situations. She has an 8- year old daughter and a 4- year old autistic daughter.

Her problem with the autistic girl is better as we continuously guiding her. But the her problem with the 8- year old girl is bad. The girl does not really like her younger sister because since she came, all the attention she got from her parents disappeared. She experienced sudden lost of love. She felt that her mum loves her sister more than her. In addition, her mum told her once that she is not her biological daughter. This little girl took it seriously. She went round asking if this is true. She asked her grandparents and other relatives. She also told her friends about this.

I was stunt to know that she told her that because this statement is gonna hurt the girl. Some more the sudden lost of love will assure her that this is true. I encouraged the mother to explain to her daughter because I foresee this will lead to greater problem. After that little girl got to know the her mum is her mum, I guess she is happy and she told her friends that her mum was just joking with her.

This little girl seems to have the habit to write. The reason she write is to express herself. She wrote a letter one day saying,"You will not be able to see me anymore. Even after 100 years you wont be able to see me. I wanna leave now. You don't love me anymore. I love you." At the back of that paper she wrote," Go away, don't talk to me." This is what her mother always says to her. I think she is a talkative girl. A child being a child, she would have a lot of questions to ask. Few weeks before this her mum told me that she found this paper. Yesterday, she brought to me and I read it. I nearly broke down when I saw that little letter. She drew a crying angel in the middle of that paper.

Besides, her mom feels uneasy to hug her. The reason is she thinks that she has grown up so she doesn't need anything like this. I encourage her to start feeding her with loving touch if not as she grows she will seek love out out there. Sigh...

Whenever the mother came to talk to me with teary eyes, I will become like that also. But I control myself. I pity the family. Yeah, frankly they really need "family therapy". I feel for the girl and I understand her feeling. When the closest ones become "strangers", there's no one to turn to, no one to depend on. The feeling of being rejected is too hurtful. I hope I will be able to help her.

This reminded me of myself, I used to call myself Blackshirt Angel. I wrote to pen pals. I wrote to bridges and I wrote to a dead person that I do not know. I did not know God that time. I was a confused and a lost child. ICQ and Chatroom was a place for me to release my sadness but not to people that I know, only strangers. All these passed. Life went on until now. I'm still alive...

Dear girl, you are not alone. There is some ONE up there knows your struggles. He knows everything about you. Even if everyone rejects you or leave you alone, He will be there. I hope that you will find Him. I will be there for you, praying for you too. *Hugs*

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29 June 2009 by oneway

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She was driving last Friday on her way to Cincinnati
On a snow white Christmas Eve
Going home to see her Mama and her Daddy with the baby in the backseat
Fifty miles to go and she was running low on faith and gasoline
It'd been a long hard year
She had a lot on her mind and she didn't pay attention
she was going way too fast
Before she knew it she was spinning on a thin black sheet of glass
She saw both their lives flash before her eyes
She didn't even have time to cry
She was sooo scared
She threw her hands up in the air

Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
Save me from this road I'm on
Jesus take the wheel

It was still getting colder when she made it to the shoulder
And the car came to a stop
She cried when she saw that baby in the backseat sleeping like a rock
And for the first time in a long time
She bowed her head to pray
She said I'm sorry for the way
I've been living my life
I know I've got to change
So from now on tonight

Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
Save me from this road I'm on

Ooh, Jesus take the wheel
Ooh, I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
Save me from this road I'm on
From this road I'm on
Jesus take the wheel
Ooh, take it, take it from me
Ooh ooh wah ah ooh ooh ooh

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by oneway

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by oneway

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The Reason I Work/ Keep Me working

17 June 2009 by oneway

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It's Hard to Love Again

16 June 2009 by oneway

These two days were bad days for me. Hopefully tomorrow will be fine. I have been avoiding a few things. Sensitive issues. I was hoping to let time dilute the issues so that I can stand up again. Now?!!! Things got worse.

I have been feeling so insecure working with one of my colleagues. I used to care very much for her as she is a single parent. Since the day I started working with her, there are never ending stories and suspense in my life.

Whatever that had happened before this, I have already forgiven her. I still remember how I comforted her and be there for her when she was hurt by a parent. I would not be able to do that if I did not forgive her.

Lately, there were too many things happening at my work place. Her presence really cause a lot of stress to us. Since she started working with us, more rules were set to decrease the rate of misunderstandings and arguments between colleagues. The place that I found peace and joy became a place of HELL.

I told one of my colleagues whom I work directly with besides her, about my attitude towards her. I requested her to pray with me. I did not want her to misunderstand but to understand why am I so cold to her. I do not know since when I have decided not to have any close relationship with her. I do not know when I have decided not to let her intrude my personal life. I have decided not to talk about anything with her besides work issues. I have set up a wall between us to protect myself. I do not want to get stupid hurt from her. I do not want to be accused, I do not want to hear anymore last word from her lips. If I can, I do not want to hear her talk at all. It's noise to me. I cannot take it. I do not want to hear anymore excuses and I do not want to hear " I thought of doing it before you say so!" She just can't admit but always apologises on unimportant things.

I'M SO TIRED OF ALL THESE!!!

I tried to avoid talking about this issue with her and I did not plan to confront her either. Who am I to confront her on certain things that I dislike or things that I cannot agree with! I DID NOT EVEN WANT TO MENTION!!! I just wanted peaceful days of work.

Yesterday, she did not prepare her work, AGAIN. She was sitting there, chatting. I wasn't annoyed but I kindly reminded her to prepare her session. Okay, fine, she got up and prepared. BUT... She did not put in effort to think how to present it. It was a very simple session which we have been doing it all these while, quite regularly. When she presented it, I was so disappointed. I told her what to do but she did not want to listen, she continued hey way. I just gave her a stare at that time as there were parents around. So it's not that nice confronting her in front of them. Anyway, I decided not to correct her but to let her reflect. She knew her flaws. I expected her to know. She corrected herself did better for next sessions. Still I did not mention anything.

It was 20 minutes before 5pm. She approached me saying that she had things to discuss with me. I was quite reluctant as I do not want to talk to her. I thought it was related to work. But it was related to the sensitive issue.

She asked me why I seemed to change. She said last time 3 of us worked quite well. She really thought so. Anyway, I did not want to talk about that. She went on asking me what had happened and continued asking me not to care what had happened and what other might have said about her. When I heard her pushing the responsibilities to others, I was annoyed.

I did not raise my voice but I told her firmly that I do not want to have any close relationship with her. We are colleagues, nothing more than that. That was the line I drew with her yesterday. I must be out of my mind, I really was. I told her that I am very stressful working with her and I questioned her in return," What do you want me to do? Have I not done my part telling you, correcting you? But you did not want to follow. I confronted you, I tried to be your friend. You kept pushing me away plus talking bad about me, accusing me etc. You are driving me crazy. I tried to protect you, give you chance to improve. When "boss" questioned me about your performance, I struggled. I told her the truth then you got from her. If I do not tell, I am lying. What do you want me to do? What else can I do? Whatever lies you told I already knew. I experienced it myself. I did not care what other people talk about you. Did you do your part? Do not always point the finger at people, please reflect upon yourself!!!"

I was really straight forward. I did not plan my speech. I felt troubled after telling her that and I hate myself for not being able to control my words. On the other hand, this maybe able to alert her. She did not treasure my heart, now that my heart is cold, I really need time to get back that warmth towards her again. I really need it. Sigh... I couldn't concentrate on whatever I do due to this problem. This is only one of them. Sigh...

Same thing will not happen the same twice. It's hard to love again like how you have loved.

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My Beloved Babies

10 June 2009 by oneway

Language time today was on "Using Our Senses- Taste". Most of them were so excited as they got to taste fruits which they like.


He was listening to me. He cried when he was doing his task. So I turned him over and talked to him. He listened but after a while he cried again. He was feverish.



She was trying to choose a song and she chose Incy Wincy Spider.

He likes to play "hello" now, I mean he likes to play phone now. He had been doing this sign the whole day :)

Look at his eyes and the lashes!!!

Look at him!!! He is so cute!!! Hmm... I always feel encouraged when he responds to us!

The group of babies. All of them are so cute. They have got so much to learn. Hmm... They are all so attentive. It was time to make father's day craft :)


I have been teaching him for 2 weeks. He is only 8 months old. I love him so much. He performed very well today! Hmm...

We need a lot energy to teach this group of children. Whatever expression we wanna show, we must exaggerate it to catch their attention. I often feel very tired after teaching them. However, I enjoyed this group the most :D

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The Chipmunks

06 June 2009 by oneway

There were two very cute 4-year old boys participated our Children's Holiday Club. One is called Gabriel Phang and the other one is called Jeremy Tan. They are not brothers obviously. At first I thought they maybe cousins. But... NO, they are just friends from a church. Yeah, they are church friends.

They are so closed that they must hold each other's hand wherever they went. Last night was the finale. At the end of the finale, the kids were to collect their crafts and maybe gifts from their crew leaders. I saw Gabriel rushing to the left wing of the church. He left Jeremy behind. So I asked him," Hey, you don't want Jeremy already?" He paused and thought for a while but he did not answer me. I continue asking,"Where is Jeremy?" "He is behind there." He answered and then headed to his target and he didn't care if Jeremy was coming along.

His target was Uncle Jimmy. Guess what? He was asking uncle Jimmy for present. Haha... Uncle Jimmy was the prize giving person during the finale. He is smart. Not long after that, Jeremy reached him too and both of them kept bugging him for present as if uncle Jimmy is the Santa Clause. They were so cute. I called them chipmunks. One of them is afraid of chipmunks. I miss them...

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The Process Of Healing

31 May 2009 by oneway


Few weeks ago, I accidentally burnt my hand by a hot iron.  My skin turned red straight away and I felt the heat on that part of my skin.  I was very careful with the wound hoping that in future the scar will not be too obvious.  I was advised to put some lotion on it and some suggested me to apply aloe Vera.


During the process of healing, I faced challenges.  I was very careful with the wound.  I made sure that the wound is dry.  Somehow, I was allergic to something which I am not very sure what is that.  I was standing under a tree by the road side one day.  I stood there for quite a while.  When I got back to my office, the wound was swollen and it was very itchy.  The area near the wound also became reddish with some rashes.  After a few hours, the rashes was gone and the sore was gone too.  *Phew*

A few days later, the wound was getting so much better and the dead skins were peeling off.  It was itchy at times and I couldn't help but to scratch it.  The new skin was very fragile, many times I scratched until the new skin peeled and created another wound.


A few more days later, all the dead skins were peeled off completely and the wound became lighter and slowly the colour tone was changing back to my skin colour but with a darker tone.  

When we are hurt emotionally, a wound will appear in our hearts.  If we want to be healed, we need to apply lotion to soothe the wound, to help the wound to heal faster.  The lotion that we need would be forgiveness and the willingness to let go of the hurtful feelings, the sadness and the anger.  During the process of healing our emotional hurts, we face challenges.  Our emotion will be disturbed.  We may be irritable and easily annoyed as we are struggling to let go and to forgive.  During this time, we may create more wounds if we fail to control ourselves.

Some people may give up half way because it is really not an easy task to get our hurts healed.  If fail to persevere, we will not be able to grow stronger in handling the same kind of hurt in future.  We may resent some of the people who offend us the same way.  Resentment will hinder us from seeing and learning more things from people.  To protect ourselves from being hurt, we may avoid people, we may have no confidence in people and this is not going to bring us happy and fulfilled life.  

We have to rely on God all the time.  We have to choose to forgive.  We have to choose to let go.  We have to make the right choice.  So, have you made the right choice to improve or to change your life?  Or do you prefer holding on to the hurts that you are having now?  Well, healing is not equal to forget.  The wound heals, the scar will stay.  We will not be able to forget the hurtful incidents.  However, when the hurt is brought up or mentioned, we will not feel the same.  We will not feel sad like before.  

Every step that you take and are going to take will affect or impact your life now and future- be it good or bad.  A friend firmly said that we will not know if the change will bring us good or bad.  This is what he believes.  As for me, I strongly believe that we will know if the change that we make is gonna bring us good or bad some day.  We sure will.  
 
DO YOU BELIEVE THAT YOU CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE?
ACT NOW!

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What I day-dreamed about?

24 May 2009 by oneway

Lately I day- dreamed a lot.  A thought came to my mind when I was day dreaming.  I did not purposely think of that and I found it weird too.  

I suddenly thought of heaven when I woke up yesterday morning.  I was thinking "Where is heaven?"  A "voice" was asking me if I have ever thought that heaven is not above, not under nor in between.  So where can heaven be?  

Another thought came about.  We know that God is everywhere, God is in heaven, God is with us and God is ...erm... He is just everywhere.  God is big, how big?  How come He is everywhere and He is big?  Then I imagined.  God is everywhere means God is in the solar system, God is in us and God is also in Heaven.  Erm... God is big that's why He can be everywhere.  He is like a super duper huge plastic bag which wraps around the whole universe.  When He is wrapping the whole universe, then He is everywhere because everything is in Him.  

Well, just a random thing.  But this caught my attention.  Haha...

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Brief Updates

22 May 2009 by oneway

It's been a while since I last updated my blog.  Hmm... My mind was and is still occupied with things like my studies, work, Children's Holiday Club, Sunday School and other activities.  Hmm... I felt that suddenly everything came at the same time and I really have to split my mind into a few parts.  Hmm... 

I successfully entered OUM (Open University Malaysia) which is located at the same row as Kampai Japanese Restaurant.  My lectures will be on alternate Sundays.  The Registration was on 10th May 2009 and the Orientation was on 17th May 2009.  My first Tutorial will be on 24th May 2009.  

I had a bad week.  During the Orientation day, I was sick.  I had fever which I did not realised.  I started to have stomach ache at around 10 am plus.  The pain was sharp.  I nearly cried after lunch.  When we had a break I went to toilet to see if I have something to pass hoping that the pain will decrease.  After I closed the door, my glasses dropped into the toilet bowl.  It was too deep that I couldn't save it.  So there went my glasses.  :(  

An aunt approached after the whole thing ended.  She needed transport to the hospital.  She is a nurse serving Ipoh Hospital.  So I tahan my pain and I sent her there.  I thought of going BUG at YMCA but the pain got worse and I had headache due to the fever.  After I reached home, I stayed in the bed and I could hardly move.  It was terrible.  

On Wednesday, my car's gear was not functioning when I was going back to Canning Garden center.  Luckily, I was able to stop at a place which was under a tree and my car was not blocking anyone.  A colleague came to accompany me until my dad and the foreman arrived.  Phew... 

Peace was with me when all these happened.  I hope that God will give me a break from problem until I recover from all these.  A lot of extra expenditure.  The most frustrating one will be my spectacles.  I like my old spectacles but it is gone now :(

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Hidden Talent?!

07 May 2009 by oneway


This is a picture of salon drawn and traced by me and Su Yin.  And this was coloured by a 6- yr old Autistic kid.  Su Yin found this picture very artistic, thus, she gave it a shot with her hand phone.  Then she showed it to me.  I was amazed when I saw this.  It looks like it was done by some artists.  At least to me.  I wonder if he did it cos of his colour sense or it's just a mess.  I really wonder.  We should observe more of his way of colouring and then discover his hidden talent.  Hmm... I have not gotten a chance to show his mum his masterpiece.  I thought of asking his mum to give this to me.  Then I frame it up for my new house.  Hehe... If my family knows how to appreciate it.  

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FISH FISH FISH

25 April 2009 by oneway

I made the funniest joke of the year at my work place on Thursday.  Haha... When the session was on, I received a call from one of my colleagues' dad.  I remember her dad was from China but he has been staying in Malaysia for many years.  So this uncle called to look for her daughter.  He spoke in Cantonese and he said my colleague's name in Cantonese which we had never ever called each other's name in Cantonese since the first day we worked together.  By the way, both my colleagues' names are quite the same when pronounced in Cantonese.  So I mistaken.  

I was trembling when I was talking to the uncle.  You know why?  I mistaken the names so I thought this uncle was the other colleague's dad whom had already passed on for 9 years.  I was puzzled so I confirmed again but he still said the same name.  I was like... HUH? A dead person called.  I was still steady.  I told him that my colleague was not not free to answer so I said I'll ask her to call him back.  Deep in my heart I was thinking how can my colleague calls her long dead dad?  Hehe... 

After putting down the phone I talked to the other colleague (the right one).  I reconfirmed if the other colleague's dad has passed on.  I also reconfirmed the name that the uncle mentioned which was her name.  She was blur also.  We both blur then sat back down on the chairs and continue the session.  The other colleague was teaching.  I sat down and I thought for a while.  I recited the name that the uncle told then I stood up abruptly and I said that name again and I said,"Aren't you XXX?"  Then only she realised and she finally "woke up"!  Haha... She wasn't feeling well that day that's why she was so blur.  Haha...

This really scared me and I wonder what was happening to me.  Why would I thought of those spirit thing?!!  They laughed at me till I gotta hide like the ostrich.  So memalukan.  Haha...  I also felt stupid for this fishy mistake :P

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AWESOME XD

23 April 2009 by oneway

Something that cheered me today.  At least one thing that made me chuckled for the day :)

Today I was the Linked Activity teacher.  So I have to handle singing session also.  Today I did it a little differently.  I asked the children to sing one by one.  While their friend is singing in front the others be spectators.  So they came out one by one to sing.  Well, not all of them could sing clearly or in the right tune.  But I appreciated their bravery and their enthusiasm.  Imagine if I ask my Sunday School kids to sing one by one, they sure will complain a lot.  Hmm... 

There was thins child named LXT, she is an Autistic and she has Oral Apraxia, meaning she can hardly imitate word as her oral motor is weak.  But out of our amazement, she sang clearly today.  I would say she was the second clearest and the most in tune one!  All the teachers smiled.  We were all SO happy to see such scene.  This was so unexpected!

Usually she will just follow the actions of the songs during singing session.  She had not really sung.  One of the possibilities that I could think of is, she felt funny as today they were not singing as a group.  Usually our singing session for this group is very noisy and very "high".  Today was a bit quiet, I guess... she wasn't used to it.  So she might have thought," Eh, how come no one sings today? Okay... nobody sings, so I sing... louder!"  When I was driving, I flashed back how she sang, I chuckled.  XD

Her mother had been very sad over her condition.  Her mother did think of killing her before she accepted her child.  To me, she is a pretty gal, a gal whom I love when I first saw her.  I like the way she looks at things, I like the way she communicates with her eyes and I still remember the first time she indicated to me that she needed to change her clothes by pointing to her dress and the room.  I was so glad!  

Her mum had been discouraged by a lot of things, even the slow progress of her child.  Some times she was so depressed that she called me at night for reassurance.  I pity her.  Well, well, today, finally there was something touched her heart, something she longed for all these years.  Yeah, I told her that she sang SO clearly when I saw her just now, she was so happy to know that, she finally got positive comments without her approaching the teachers herself.  I'm joyous too.  I can't suppress but to praise Him for He is AWESOME, indeed!!!  


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Death and life are in the power of the tongue

14 April 2009 by oneway

These verses spoke to me today.  
Proverbs 18: 21
"Death and life are in the power of the tongue, and those who love it will eat its fruit." 

James 3:4-5
"Behold, the ships also, though they are so great and are driven by strong winds, are still directed by a very small rudder, where the inclination of the pilot desires. So also the tongue is a small part of the body, and yet it boasts of great things." 

This morning, one of my students' mum approached me.  She got another tuition / therapy center for her 4- year old Autistic daughter.  This is not the first time she came to me asking my opinion about those centers.  Hmm... I did not really know much about her as she is still quite new with us.  She was not quite open to us as well.  I just noticed that she will be very disappointed if her daughter cannot perform well that day.  She will be frustrated and her daughter will be frustrated too as she is forced to do things that she dislikes and they have communication breakdown.  Hmm... I tried my best to help on the surface as I did not really know her "real" problem.  

Today, I got a chance to find out from her.  She even broke down as I was digging the root that causes all these emotional thingy.  I quite pity her as she doesn't have the support from her husband.  Her husband is still in denial stage.  He can't accept that he has a special child.  He pushed all the responsibilities to the wife saying that her she is useless because she delivered a child like this.  He doesn't care about anything at home even the furnitures at home.  If anything spoils, he will not help to repair, he said this is her responsibility and his responsibility is just to be the bread winner.  He has been hurting her so much when he is not giving any support.  Sigh... So sad!  

The mother has insomnia.  Her husband invited a few Feng Shui masters to the house and they told her that there are spirits.  This added on her burdens.  She felt very unpeaceful when she was alone at home.  The Feng Shui master wanted them to shift the furniture around but the husband pushed the job to her.  Sigh... How can a lady push the sofa set around all by herself? How can she shift the bed around by herself?  She ignored but the husband kept nagging about it.  

I also noticed that these mothers do not feel proud of their sons or daughters.  Whatever other people say about their children's problem.  They agree to it and get depressed.  They just do not know how to enjoy their kids by telling them back how they have improved.  

It's not enough to refrain from speaking negative things. You must proactively say positive and encouraging things about yourself and your family. As you speak words of blessing over your life, you will find that they become a self-fulfilling prophecy. You can change your world by changing your words.
I agree to this so much.  Yeah, I must learn to think positively about myself so that I will not be depressed and make myself fail to contribute more.  I think not only that, as we speak to others, we must also try to be less negative.  So that others will not be discouraged but have the courage to move on to the higher ground.  

Make sure that the fruit your tongue produces is sweet. Declare that you are blessed and that whatever you do will succeed. Begin to speak those words of faith and victory over your life and over your loved ones, and you will reap a harvest that will bless your family for generations.


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Did You Belittle Me?

13 April 2009 by oneway

I was a bit upset when I heard that this friend said there was no one caring for him when he was going through some difficult situations.  I still remember how we cared for him and how we prayed for him.  Sigh... I still remember what I told him and how I assured him of my support.  No I did not and I don't expect a "Thank you" from him.  I thank God and I was delighted when he finally made things right.  I was so impressed and so saluted him.  

Now only I know that he did not take my care as CARE.  He gave me an impression that he was hoping for people that he wants to care for him.  And yes I wasn't the one.  

With this, I was reminded of the friend who indirectly asked me not to talk about God when I'm not HOLY.  So he was another friend telling me "You are not there yet to care for me."

Walaueh!

What the world wants now?  

Sigh...  Let's reflect on the way we care and the way we receive care.  WWJD?

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Agree

10 April 2009 by oneway

BEAUTIFUL CHRISTIAN SISTER
By Maya Angelou

'A woman's heart should be so hidden in Christ
That a man should have to seek Him first to find her.'

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not shouting 'I'm clean living,'
I'm whispering 'I was lost, Now I'm found and forgiven.'

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I don't speak of this with pride.
I'm confessing that I stumble and need Christ to be my guide.

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not trying to be strong.
I'm professing that I'm weak and need His strength to carry on.

When I say.. 'I am a Christian' I'm not bragging of success..
I'm admitting I have failed and need God to clean my mess.

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not claiming to be perfect,
My flaws are far too visible, but God believes I am worth it.

When I say.... 'I am a Christian' I still feel the sting of pain...
I have my share of heartaches, so I call upon His name.

When I say... 'I am a Christian' I'm not holier than thou,
I'm just a simple sinner Who received God's good grace, somehow!

Pretty is as Pretty does... But beautiful is just plain beautiful!  

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by oneway

Recently, a non- Christian friend confronted me.  He disliked me putting God around me.  What he meant was I post about God, I thank God for answering prayer and I mention God all the time.  I do not know what else.  Maybe he felt that I'm not doing what is commanded by God.  If he knows what God's commandments are.  I did not really understand what he meant as he refused to explain more.  Erm... I think basically he felt that I'm a hypocrite? Maybe NATO better describe me.  (NATO= No Action Talk Only).

Hmm... Things that I blogged about are real.  Well, I may have added a lot of my own personal opinions and feelings into the posts.  Sigh... I'm still quite blur of what he was trying to say.  At the same time, I thanked him as he alerted me to draw myself closer to God and to His teaching.  I went through a hard time reflecting on myself.  I'm confused and I really do not know if I'm what he said I am.  

What had happened, happened.  I do not have the power to change history.  I felt sorry.  Sorry because I failed God and I failed my friend.  I do not know how many more friends have I discouraged and disappointed.  I felt bad also because I'm a bad walking testimony.  I know what kinda of a person I am.  Sigh... I did try to control many times.  No one sees, they can only see what I did not do.  Hmm...

Why must I blog about God? It's because God is part of my life.  He is real and He is here in my life.  I am guilty of inviting Him to my life and some times sent Him out of my heart.  That is why I have a lot of ups and downs with Him and about Him.  He is a living God, not a stone.  He speaks, He touches my heart.  He is so real that no one else can take His place.  

One of my friends just accepted Christ.  When I asked her why she did that she said that God is so real, He is really a healer.  This friend experienced a similar childhood like me and something bad happened during her high school.  After she accepted Christ, she said she felt so light.  Her burden was taken away.  I can see that she is more cheerful than before.  

Well, it does not mean that after accepting Christ your life will be like a bed of roses.  NO.  We are forgiven, that's for sure.  But our path will still be bumpy, just that now we have a Father, a Friend and a Savior to rely and to depend on.  The way we handle situations and the way we think will slowly change and we find the purpose to continue to live this life.  Disobedience causes me to have a more miserable life.  It's not because of God, it's because I choose to follow my will instead of His will.    

Father, I'm sorry for the things that I've made, I'm sorry for tarnishing Your name.  Father, continue to refine me and change me.  
Change my heart O God, make it ever true.
Change my heart O God, may I be like You!


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More to Come! More to be DONE!

09 April 2009 by oneway



I was looking back at some of the photos that we took in Indonesia.  Tears swelled in my eyes.  I was touched and I think I really miss the trip.  Yeah, again, I'm amazed that I was on the stage in front of 450 youths and kids and I am still amazed that I gave my testimony to the high school students, about 50 of them.  I owed and I'm still owing Wan Li my testimony since last year.  Haha... and I did it in Indonesia.  I acted in church once which was 6-7 years ago but I played a part in a mime and presented in Indonesia.  This is impossible without God's help.  I do not think I'll do all these in my church before the trip.  

 

Well, this is not the end I bet.  I felt that the trip was just a beginning.  A beginning for more great things to happen in Elim as well as to those who went.  For example, last week, I was asked to share on what I'd learned or what impacted me most from the trip.  I prepared it 2 hours before the meeting due to I did not know what else to share and I did not want the people to hear the same thing  over and over again.  Well, I was a bit nervous but this feeling is getting lesser and lesser.  This is indeed a good thing.  



I found out that I was and am still afraid to commit myself to the work of God.  I broke down because of the fear during the Korean outreach.  There was an altar call, Pastor Daniel Kim asked the congregation to come out to the altar if any of us decided to want to serve the church more.  I wanted to get out.  But the fear was holding me so tightly.  I was like glued to the chair.  I broke down.  I kept saying sorry to the Lord.  Sigh... At that moment I felt that I'm so useless and helpless.  

Since the day I found out my fear of committing, I prayed to God to show me the way, to show me where to start.  After a week, my prayer was answered.  I hope I did not get it wrong.  I was asked to take up the story telling during Open Sunday School this Easter Sunday.  Yeah, I have to relate it to the eggs.  I did not know what is it gotta do with egg.  I asked my ex-colleague as she did it before.  However, she had already forgotten the relation of Easter and egg.  So I thought that I do not want to do that part.  I did not approach anyone else for this matter.  On Wednesday, my boss did the sharing during our devotion time.  She mentioned about the relation, I was like..." Ok, God, do you really want to me to relate Your resurrection to the egg?"  I'm still thinking if I should.  Hmm...  Was it just a coincidence or God's prompting?  *shrug*
All the best to me and Mun Yan!  Pray for us.  I'm falling sick soon.  Pray for voice and clear speech if you read this :)  Thanks ya!

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The Brief Conclusion

08 April 2009 by oneway

We had our debrief after the trip.  Erm... Yeah, sharing again.  Hmm... We all own a DVD of the trip photos and the clips.  

So... What did I learn from this trip?
1.  I learned that I need Him urgently.
2.  This trip without Him will not be successful.
3.  I learned to let go of self when I try my best to act for Him and speak for Him.  
4.  I am more willing to take up challenges at the moment.  

Erm... yeah, that's a brief one.  Hehe... The most important thing is I'm back in His arms.  My walk with Him is still not very stable.  I am tempted to go against Him and try to own life by myself instead of letting Him to take control. 

I am learning and this learning experience is going to overwhelm me I believe.  It's going to lead to something great if I'm obedience enough.  

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No One Is Righteous

04 April 2009 by oneway

Romans 3: 9-12
What shall we conclude then? Are we any better? No, not at all! We have already made the charge that Jews and Gentiles alike are all under sin.  As it is written:  "There's no one righteous, not even one; there is no one who understands, no one who seeks God.  All have turned away, they have together become worthless; there is no one who does good, not even one."

Pastor Daniel Kim from Beijing shared on this when he was preaching in our church today.  He added,"Everything  in this world is conditional.  People judge us by what what we do and how we perform."  This statement really struck me as it's so true.  Even in any kind of relationships, the love we share is conditional.  We can say how much we love each other but still we condition others.  We want others to live up to our expectations.  We want others to speak our love languages but most of the time we fail to speak their love languages.  It could be because of not willing to let go of self and it could be because of insensitivity.  Our humanly love is really selfish.  We can hardly accept people because of who they are.  Are we any better? Why do we try to "impose" others?  

Pastor explained as the scripture stated in verse 20, it's only when we know God's law, we are conscious of our sins.  When we are conscious of our sins, let's try to overcome it with God.  God is our Redeemer, Saviour and Friend.  He will not forsake us.  Let's be brave!  And let's learn how God loves and love others like how God loves us.  


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