The Reason I Work/ Keep Me working

It's Hard to Love Again

These two days were bad days for me. Hopefully tomorrow will be fine. I have been avoiding a few things. Sensitive issues. I was hoping to let time dilute the issues so that I can stand up again. Now?!!! Things got worse.

I have been feeling so insecure working with one of my colleagues. I used to care very much for her as she is a single parent. Since the day I started working with her, there are never ending stories and suspense in my life.

Whatever that had happened before this, I have already forgiven her. I still remember how I comforted her and be there for her when she was hurt by a parent. I would not be able to do that if I did not forgive her.

Lately, there were too many things happening at my work place. Her presence really cause a lot of stress to us. Since she started working with us, more rules were set to decrease the rate of misunderstandings and arguments between colleagues. The place that I found peace and joy became a place of HELL.

I told one of my colleagues whom I work directly with besides her, about my attitude towards her. I requested her to pray with me. I did not want her to misunderstand but to understand why am I so cold to her. I do not know since when I have decided not to have any close relationship with her. I do not know when I have decided not to let her intrude my personal life. I have decided not to talk about anything with her besides work issues. I have set up a wall between us to protect myself. I do not want to get stupid hurt from her. I do not want to be accused, I do not want to hear anymore last word from her lips. If I can, I do not want to hear her talk at all. It's noise to me. I cannot take it. I do not want to hear anymore excuses and I do not want to hear " I thought of doing it before you say so!" She just can't admit but always apologises on unimportant things.

I'M SO TIRED OF ALL THESE!!!

I tried to avoid talking about this issue with her and I did not plan to confront her either. Who am I to confront her on certain things that I dislike or things that I cannot agree with! I DID NOT EVEN WANT TO MENTION!!! I just wanted peaceful days of work.

Yesterday, she did not prepare her work, AGAIN. She was sitting there, chatting. I wasn't annoyed but I kindly reminded her to prepare her session. Okay, fine, she got up and prepared. BUT... She did not put in effort to think how to present it. It was a very simple session which we have been doing it all these while, quite regularly. When she presented it, I was so disappointed. I told her what to do but she did not want to listen, she continued hey way. I just gave her a stare at that time as there were parents around. So it's not that nice confronting her in front of them. Anyway, I decided not to correct her but to let her reflect. She knew her flaws. I expected her to know. She corrected herself did better for next sessions. Still I did not mention anything.

It was 20 minutes before 5pm. She approached me saying that she had things to discuss with me. I was quite reluctant as I do not want to talk to her. I thought it was related to work. But it was related to the sensitive issue.

She asked me why I seemed to change. She said last time 3 of us worked quite well. She really thought so. Anyway, I did not want to talk about that. She went on asking me what had happened and continued asking me not to care what had happened and what other might have said about her. When I heard her pushing the responsibilities to others, I was annoyed.

I did not raise my voice but I told her firmly that I do not want to have any close relationship with her. We are colleagues, nothing more than that. That was the line I drew with her yesterday. I must be out of my mind, I really was. I told her that I am very stressful working with her and I questioned her in return," What do you want me to do? Have I not done my part telling you, correcting you? But you did not want to follow. I confronted you, I tried to be your friend. You kept pushing me away plus talking bad about me, accusing me etc. You are driving me crazy. I tried to protect you, give you chance to improve. When "boss" questioned me about your performance, I struggled. I told her the truth then you got from her. If I do not tell, I am lying. What do you want me to do? What else can I do? Whatever lies you told I already knew. I experienced it myself. I did not care what other people talk about you. Did you do your part? Do not always point the finger at people, please reflect upon yourself!!!"

I was really straight forward. I did not plan my speech. I felt troubled after telling her that and I hate myself for not being able to control my words. On the other hand, this maybe able to alert her. She did not treasure my heart, now that my heart is cold, I really need time to get back that warmth towards her again. I really need it. Sigh... I couldn't concentrate on whatever I do due to this problem. This is only one of them. Sigh...

Same thing will not happen the same twice. It's hard to love again like how you have loved.