Peer Pressure

Dare to be Differentby Kevin Leman, Ph.D.

Hey, parents. Yeah, you — the ones whose kids have the most fashionable buzz haircut with a ponytail, even though they’re just 6 or 7 years old. Do you know what you’re really conveying to your kids? You’re telling them that they need to grow up to look like everybody else. Now think about what “everybody else” is like, and ask yourself if that is what you really want for your kids.

Unfortunately every generation seems to start a little earlier in the great quest to become just like everybody else. Every season brings a new “must have it” kid craze: Pokemon, Tickle-Me-Elmo, Nintendo 64, Furby, Barbie, Cabbage Patch dolls, Beanie Babies, PlayStation 2.

Apart from a single Furby, you won’t find any of the above in the Leman household for a simple reason: I think it’s good to be different. I think it’s healthy to raise kids to stand apart from the crowd.

If your son isn’t “different,” his adult life may look like this: He may marry and divorce within the first five years of his adult life. He may drift from partner to partner. If he marries or moves in with a woman who has already been divorced, he will merge his life with someone whom somebody else has already discarded.

If your daughter isn’t “different,” she may have half a dozen sexual partners before she graduates from college. She may also contract a sexually transmitted disease. Her sexual experience will actually make her less likely to have a successful marriage, leading to a number of broken relationships.

All these divorces and sexual partners will result in yet another set of stepgrandparents and a brood of kids who live in three or four different houses. Your job as a grandparent will become increasingly difficult. Not only will you probably not get to see all your grandkids, but you’ll certainly never get to see all of them in one place.

That makes life pretty ugly and very complicated.

I think it’s good for kids to be different. When the popular route leads to disaster, I want my children to choose a unique path. If I raise my kids to be exactly like everyone else — letting them watch whatever they want to watch, turning a blind eye to premarital sexual activity, running them ragged from morning to night so that the family never bonds, being too tired on Saturday or Sunday morning to take the family to synagogue or church — I should expect them to grow up to be like everyone else.

And that thought terrifies me.

How do you raise kids who expect to be different? It begins with the parents creating a climate of love, acceptance, trust, affirmation and positive expectations. My kids know I love them, but they also know I expect the best from them. I hold them accountable and openly share my positive expectations for their behavior and attitudes. It makes a difference when parents tell their son, “Honey, we don’t expect you to be like everybody else; we expect you to be different.” This gives the son the feeling that he’s special — and that’s a very good feeling.

Instead of trying to make your teenagers “fit into” society’s artificial standards, which change with every season, why not put your effort into helping them “fit into” your family, which will always be there for them? Your kids need you to be cheerleaders for them.