Updates

I was reminded to update my blog. I had been trying to post but somehow, I was distracted by things around me especially now I've been playing some games on Facebook. Thus whenever I online I will be playing with it. I attempted to blog for 2 days but I just couldn't continue due to the distractions. Haha...

Since I'd asked people to pray for me regarding my colleague and I, I should update those who have been praying for me here. I appreciate the prayers that you guys have uttered. I managed to resolve the anger and dissatisfaction in me, completely I would say. I can now talk to her more than work issues and I can now smile to her and the patience that I long lost is back. I'm not reluctant to go work anymore and I am not hoping to get sick now. Things have been quite smooth for these few weeks.

I am thankful for where I am now. The place that I am working is like another mother to me. A place that taught and is still teaching me a lot of things about life and to accept the unlovely. The daily challenges that I face make me a calmer person when comes to handling problems. This is a place that helped me talk confidently in front of others. I was made more analytical and I learn not to jump into conclusion too fast.

When I think back, I am not regret of my decision of working there. The satisfaction that I get from this job is indescribable. It is more than just a job.

Besides, my studies is going well at the moment as I did not really have much to handle this semester. Next semester I bet I will have more to handle and more to study. I enjoy studying though I may feel stressful when I have to meet datelines. Indeed, work and study is not an easy thing to do. I hope my studies will not affect my performance at work and I do not want it to become something that hinder me from serving Sunday School and other related ministries as well.

Once again, thanks for your prayers and support in many ways. I am good now :) I'm looking forward to the Kidzgames training which is coming soon. I hope it won't clash with my tutorials.

my favorite song from this band

One Day

I Love You!

T.T

I am really emotional tonight. The plan was to continue my report at 8pm. Until now I am still not doing it. My emotion is really disturbed. I thought of the student who passed away a few months which now only I knew. I thought of her mother who passed away last year too... This add on to my emo night...

I feel that I am just so helpless. I have given my best, I have controled myself well enough. I really did. I have been patient enough even if it is over my limit. I swallow whatever that I do not like, whatever words that you used to tarnish me, whateve lies you told to me, whatever noise you make. I took it all. I accepted you as you are. My only request to you is not to create problems. I am really so tired. Can you just let me go. Sigh...

Sigh... Have I not done enough but to get this again and again? Sigh... Are you really learning? My boss called me in today to talk about something. Before she started she reminded me not to lose weight anymore, she said my face is getting thinner and thinner. How not to? I really don't know how not to... Not that I want. Who would want to be ugly?

Sigh... OH God, You know my name, You know my everthing. You know every struggle that I am going through. Please take charge of me, I believe Lord, I believe that You will be there for me. Yes Lord, I need You so much. I really need strength and courage. Lord, help me not to run away, not to pressure myself. You know my heart, You know what I'm thinking. Lord, give me, give me bravery. Lord please take it away! I'm broken. Heal me Lord!!! Keep me under Your wings and hold me tight. I'm feeling so insecure. I'm really so afraid. Take me! T.T

set me free Lord.

Crying Angel vs. Blackshirt Angel

I have been counselling a mother as I got to know about her family situations. She has an 8- year old daughter and a 4- year old autistic daughter.

Her problem with the autistic girl is better as we continuously guiding her. But the her problem with the 8- year old girl is bad. The girl does not really like her younger sister because since she came, all the attention she got from her parents disappeared. She experienced sudden lost of love. She felt that her mum loves her sister more than her. In addition, her mum told her once that she is not her biological daughter. This little girl took it seriously. She went round asking if this is true. She asked her grandparents and other relatives. She also told her friends about this.

I was stunt to know that she told her that because this statement is gonna hurt the girl. Some more the sudden lost of love will assure her that this is true. I encouraged the mother to explain to her daughter because I foresee this will lead to greater problem. After that little girl got to know the her mum is her mum, I guess she is happy and she told her friends that her mum was just joking with her.

This little girl seems to have the habit to write. The reason she write is to express herself. She wrote a letter one day saying,"You will not be able to see me anymore. Even after 100 years you wont be able to see me. I wanna leave now. You don't love me anymore. I love you." At the back of that paper she wrote," Go away, don't talk to me." This is what her mother always says to her. I think she is a talkative girl. A child being a child, she would have a lot of questions to ask. Few weeks before this her mum told me that she found this paper. Yesterday, she brought to me and I read it. I nearly broke down when I saw that little letter. She drew a crying angel in the middle of that paper.

Besides, her mom feels uneasy to hug her. The reason is she thinks that she has grown up so she doesn't need anything like this. I encourage her to start feeding her with loving touch if not as she grows she will seek love out out there. Sigh...

Whenever the mother came to talk to me with teary eyes, I will become like that also. But I control myself. I pity the family. Yeah, frankly they really need "family therapy". I feel for the girl and I understand her feeling. When the closest ones become "strangers", there's no one to turn to, no one to depend on. The feeling of being rejected is too hurtful. I hope I will be able to help her.

This reminded me of myself, I used to call myself Blackshirt Angel. I wrote to pen pals. I wrote to bridges and I wrote to a dead person that I do not know. I did not know God that time. I was a confused and a lost child. ICQ and Chatroom was a place for me to release my sadness but not to people that I know, only strangers. All these passed. Life went on until now. I'm still alive...

Dear girl, you are not alone. There is some ONE up there knows your struggles. He knows everything about you. Even if everyone rejects you or leave you alone, He will be there. I hope that you will find Him. I will be there for you, praying for you too. *Hugs*

She was driving last Friday on her way to Cincinnati
On a snow white Christmas Eve
Going home to see her Mama and her Daddy with the baby in the backseat
Fifty miles to go and she was running low on faith and gasoline
It'd been a long hard year
She had a lot on her mind and she didn't pay attention
she was going way too fast
Before she knew it she was spinning on a thin black sheet of glass
She saw both their lives flash before her eyes
She didn't even have time to cry
She was sooo scared
She threw her hands up in the air

Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
Save me from this road I'm on
Jesus take the wheel

It was still getting colder when she made it to the shoulder
And the car came to a stop
She cried when she saw that baby in the backseat sleeping like a rock
And for the first time in a long time
She bowed her head to pray
She said I'm sorry for the way
I've been living my life
I know I've got to change
So from now on tonight

Jesus take the wheel
Take it from my hands
Cause I can't do this on my own
I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
Save me from this road I'm on

Ooh, Jesus take the wheel
Ooh, I'm letting go
So give me one more chance
Save me from this road I'm on
From this road I'm on
Jesus take the wheel
Ooh, take it, take it from me
Ooh ooh wah ah ooh ooh ooh

The Reason I Work/ Keep Me working

It's Hard to Love Again

These two days were bad days for me. Hopefully tomorrow will be fine. I have been avoiding a few things. Sensitive issues. I was hoping to let time dilute the issues so that I can stand up again. Now?!!! Things got worse.

I have been feeling so insecure working with one of my colleagues. I used to care very much for her as she is a single parent. Since the day I started working with her, there are never ending stories and suspense in my life.

Whatever that had happened before this, I have already forgiven her. I still remember how I comforted her and be there for her when she was hurt by a parent. I would not be able to do that if I did not forgive her.

Lately, there were too many things happening at my work place. Her presence really cause a lot of stress to us. Since she started working with us, more rules were set to decrease the rate of misunderstandings and arguments between colleagues. The place that I found peace and joy became a place of HELL.

I told one of my colleagues whom I work directly with besides her, about my attitude towards her. I requested her to pray with me. I did not want her to misunderstand but to understand why am I so cold to her. I do not know since when I have decided not to have any close relationship with her. I do not know when I have decided not to let her intrude my personal life. I have decided not to talk about anything with her besides work issues. I have set up a wall between us to protect myself. I do not want to get stupid hurt from her. I do not want to be accused, I do not want to hear anymore last word from her lips. If I can, I do not want to hear her talk at all. It's noise to me. I cannot take it. I do not want to hear anymore excuses and I do not want to hear " I thought of doing it before you say so!" She just can't admit but always apologises on unimportant things.

I'M SO TIRED OF ALL THESE!!!

I tried to avoid talking about this issue with her and I did not plan to confront her either. Who am I to confront her on certain things that I dislike or things that I cannot agree with! I DID NOT EVEN WANT TO MENTION!!! I just wanted peaceful days of work.

Yesterday, she did not prepare her work, AGAIN. She was sitting there, chatting. I wasn't annoyed but I kindly reminded her to prepare her session. Okay, fine, she got up and prepared. BUT... She did not put in effort to think how to present it. It was a very simple session which we have been doing it all these while, quite regularly. When she presented it, I was so disappointed. I told her what to do but she did not want to listen, she continued hey way. I just gave her a stare at that time as there were parents around. So it's not that nice confronting her in front of them. Anyway, I decided not to correct her but to let her reflect. She knew her flaws. I expected her to know. She corrected herself did better for next sessions. Still I did not mention anything.

It was 20 minutes before 5pm. She approached me saying that she had things to discuss with me. I was quite reluctant as I do not want to talk to her. I thought it was related to work. But it was related to the sensitive issue.

She asked me why I seemed to change. She said last time 3 of us worked quite well. She really thought so. Anyway, I did not want to talk about that. She went on asking me what had happened and continued asking me not to care what had happened and what other might have said about her. When I heard her pushing the responsibilities to others, I was annoyed.

I did not raise my voice but I told her firmly that I do not want to have any close relationship with her. We are colleagues, nothing more than that. That was the line I drew with her yesterday. I must be out of my mind, I really was. I told her that I am very stressful working with her and I questioned her in return," What do you want me to do? Have I not done my part telling you, correcting you? But you did not want to follow. I confronted you, I tried to be your friend. You kept pushing me away plus talking bad about me, accusing me etc. You are driving me crazy. I tried to protect you, give you chance to improve. When "boss" questioned me about your performance, I struggled. I told her the truth then you got from her. If I do not tell, I am lying. What do you want me to do? What else can I do? Whatever lies you told I already knew. I experienced it myself. I did not care what other people talk about you. Did you do your part? Do not always point the finger at people, please reflect upon yourself!!!"

I was really straight forward. I did not plan my speech. I felt troubled after telling her that and I hate myself for not being able to control my words. On the other hand, this maybe able to alert her. She did not treasure my heart, now that my heart is cold, I really need time to get back that warmth towards her again. I really need it. Sigh... I couldn't concentrate on whatever I do due to this problem. This is only one of them. Sigh...

Same thing will not happen the same twice. It's hard to love again like how you have loved.

My Beloved Babies

Language time today was on "Using Our Senses- Taste". Most of them were so excited as they got to taste fruits which they like.

He was listening to me. He cried when he was doing his task. So I turned him over and talked to him. He listened but after a while he cried again. He was feverish.

She was trying to choose a song and she chose Incy Wincy Spider.

He likes to play "hello" now, I mean he likes to play phone now. He had been doing this sign the whole day :)

Look at his eyes and the lashes!!!

Look at him!!! He is so cute!!! Hmm... I always feel encouraged when he responds to us!

The group of babies. All of them are so cute. They have got so much to learn. Hmm... They are all so attentive. It was time to make father's day craft :)

I have been teaching him for 2 weeks. He is only 8 months old. I love him so much. He performed very well today! Hmm...

We need a lot energy to teach this group of children. Whatever expression we wanna show, we must exaggerate it to catch their attention. I often feel very tired after teaching them. However, I enjoyed this group the most :D

The Chipmunks

There were two very cute 4-year old boys participated our Children's Holiday Club. One is called Gabriel Phang and the other one is called Jeremy Tan. They are not brothers obviously. At first I thought they maybe cousins. But... NO, they are just friends from a church. Yeah, they are church friends.

They are so closed that they must hold each other's hand wherever they went. Last night was the finale. At the end of the finale, the kids were to collect their crafts and maybe gifts from their crew leaders. I saw Gabriel rushing to the left wing of the church. He left Jeremy behind. So I asked him," Hey, you don't want Jeremy already?" He paused and thought for a while but he did not answer me. I continue asking,"Where is Jeremy?" "He is behind there." He answered and then headed to his target and he didn't care if Jeremy was coming along.

His target was Uncle Jimmy. Guess what? He was asking uncle Jimmy for present. Haha... Uncle Jimmy was the prize giving person during the finale. He is smart. Not long after that, Jeremy reached him too and both of them kept bugging him for present as if uncle Jimmy is the Santa Clause. They were so cute. I called them chipmunks. One of them is afraid of chipmunks. I miss them...

The Process Of Healing

Few weeks ago, I accidentally burnt my hand by a hot iron.  My skin turned red straight away and I felt the heat on that part of my skin.  I was very careful with the wound hoping that in future the scar will not be too obvious.  I was advised to put some lotion on it and some suggested me to apply aloe Vera.

During the process of healing, I faced challenges.  I was very careful with the wound.  I made sure that the wound is dry.  Somehow, I was allergic to something which I am not very sure what is that.  I was standing under a tree by the road side one day.  I stood there for quite a while.  When I got back to my office, the wound was swollen and it was very itchy.  The area near the wound also became reddish with some rashes.  After a few hours, the rashes was gone and the sore was gone too.  *Phew*

A few days later, the wound was getting so much better and the dead skins were peeling off.  It was itchy at times and I couldn't help but to scratch it.  The new skin was very fragile, many times I scratched until the new skin peeled and created another wound.

A few more days later, all the dead skins were peeled off completely and the wound became lighter and slowly the colour tone was changing back to my skin colour but with a darker tone.  

When we are hurt emotionally, a wound will appear in our hearts.  If we want to be healed, we need to apply lotion to soothe the wound, to help the wound to heal faster.  The lotion that we need would be forgiveness and the willingness to let go of the hurtful feelings, the sadness and the anger.  During the process of healing our emotional hurts, we face challenges.  Our emotion will be disturbed.  We may be irritable and easily annoyed as we are struggling to let go and to forgive.  During this time, we may create more wounds if we fail to control ourselves.

Some people may give up half way because it is really not an easy task to get our hurts healed.  If fail to persevere, we will not be able to grow stronger in handling the same kind of hurt in future.  We may resent some of the people who offend us the same way.  Resentment will hinder us from seeing and learning more things from people.  To protect ourselves from being hurt, we may avoid people, we may have no confidence in people and this is not going to bring us happy and fulfilled life.  

We have to rely on God all the time.  We have to choose to forgive.  We have to choose to let go.  We have to make the right choice.  So, have you made the right choice to improve or to change your life?  Or do you prefer holding on to the hurts that you are having now?  Well, healing is not equal to forget.  The wound heals, the scar will stay.  We will not be able to forget the hurtful incidents.  However, when the hurt is brought up or mentioned, we will not feel the same.  We will not feel sad like before.  

Every step that you take and are going to take will affect or impact your life now and future- be it good or bad.  A friend firmly said that we will not know if the change will bring us good or bad.  This is what he believes.  As for me, I strongly believe that we will know if the change that we make is gonna bring us good or bad some day.  We sure will.  

 

DO YOU BELIEVE THAT YOU CAN MAKE A DIFFERENCE?

ACT NOW!

What I day-dreamed about?

Lately I day- dreamed a lot.  A thought came to my mind when I was day dreaming.  I did not purposely think of that and I found it weird too.  

I suddenly thought of heaven when I woke up yesterday morning.  I was thinking "Where is heaven?"  A "voice" was asking me if I have ever thought that heaven is not above, not under nor in between.  So where can heaven be?  

Another thought came about.  We know that God is everywhere, God is in heaven, God is with us and God is ...erm... He is just everywhere.  God is big, how big?  How come He is everywhere and He is big?  Then I imagined.  God is everywhere means God is in the solar system, God is in us and God is also in Heaven.  Erm... God is big that's why He can be everywhere.  He is like a super duper huge plastic bag which wraps around the whole universe.  When He is wrapping the whole universe, then He is everywhere because everything is in Him.  

Well, just a random thing.  But this caught my attention.  Haha...

Brief Updates

It's been a while since I last updated my blog.  Hmm... My mind was and is still occupied with things like my studies, work, Children's Holiday Club, Sunday School and other activities.  Hmm... I felt that suddenly everything came at the same time and I really have to split my mind into a few parts.  Hmm... 

I successfully entered OUM (Open University Malaysia) which is located at the same row as Kampai Japanese Restaurant.  My lectures will be on alternate Sundays.  The Registration was on 10th May 2009 and the Orientation was on 17th May 2009.  My first Tutorial will be on 24th May 2009.  

I had a bad week.  During the Orientation day, I was sick.  I had fever which I did not realised.  I started to have stomach ache at around 10 am plus.  The pain was sharp.  I nearly cried after lunch.  When we had a break I went to toilet to see if I have something to pass hoping that the pain will decrease.  After I closed the door, my glasses dropped into the toilet bowl.  It was too deep that I couldn't save it.  So there went my glasses.  :(  

An aunt approached after the whole thing ended.  She needed transport to the hospital.  She is a nurse serving Ipoh Hospital.  So I tahan my pain and I sent her there.  I thought of going BUG at YMCA but the pain got worse and I had headache due to the fever.  After I reached home, I stayed in the bed and I could hardly move.  It was terrible.  

On Wednesday, my car's gear was not functioning when I was going back to Canning Garden center.  Luckily, I was able to stop at a place which was under a tree and my car was not blocking anyone.  A colleague came to accompany me until my dad and the foreman arrived.  Phew... 

Peace was with me when all these happened.  I hope that God will give me a break from problem until I recover from all these.  A lot of extra expenditure.  The most frustrating one will be my spectacles.  I like my old spectacles but it is gone now :(

Hidden Talent?!

This is a picture of salon drawn and traced by me and Su Yin.  And this was coloured by a 6- yr old Autistic kid.  Su Yin found this picture very artistic, thus, she gave it a shot with her hand phone.  Then she showed it to me.  I was amazed when I saw this.  It looks like it was done by some artists.  At least to me.  I wonder if he did it cos of his colour sense or it's just a mess.  I really wonder.  We should observe more of his way of colouring and then discover his hidden talent.  Hmm... I have not gotten a chance to show his mum his masterpiece.  I thought of asking his mum to give this to me.  Then I frame it up for my new house.  Hehe... If my family knows how to appreciate it.  

FISH FISH FISH

I made the funniest joke of the year at my work place on Thursday.  Haha... When the session was on, I received a call from one of my colleagues' dad.  I remember her dad was from China but he has been staying in Malaysia for many years.  So this uncle called to look for her daughter.  He spoke in Cantonese and he said my colleague's name in Cantonese which we had never ever called each other's name in Cantonese since the first day we worked together.  By the way, both my colleagues' names are quite the same when pronounced in Cantonese.  So I mistaken.  

I was trembling when I was talking to the uncle.  You know why?  I mistaken the names so I thought this uncle was the other colleague's dad whom had already passed on for 9 years.  I was puzzled so I confirmed again but he still said the same name.  I was like... HUH? A dead person called.  I was still steady.  I told him that my colleague was not not free to answer so I said I'll ask her to call him back.  Deep in my heart I was thinking how can my colleague calls her long dead dad?  Hehe... 

After putting down the phone I talked to the other colleague (the right one).  I reconfirmed if the other colleague's dad has passed on.  I also reconfirmed the name that the uncle mentioned which was her name.  She was blur also.  We both blur then sat back down on the chairs and continue the session.  The other colleague was teaching.  I sat down and I thought for a while.  I recited the name that the uncle told then I stood up abruptly and I said that name again and I said,"Aren't you XXX?"  Then only she realised and she finally "woke up"!  Haha... She wasn't feeling well that day that's why she was so blur.  Haha...

This really scared me and I wonder what was happening to me.  Why would I thought of those spirit thing?!!  They laughed at me till I gotta hide like the ostrich.  So memalukan.  Haha...  I also felt stupid for this fishy mistake :P

AWESOME XD

Something that cheered me today.  At least one thing that made me chuckled for the day :)

Today I was the Linked Activity teacher.  So I have to handle singing session also.  Today I did it a little differently.  I asked the children to sing one by one.  While their friend is singing in front the others be spectators.  So they came out one by one to sing.  Well, not all of them could sing clearly or in the right tune.  But I appreciated their bravery and their enthusiasm.  Imagine if I ask my Sunday School kids to sing one by one, they sure will complain a lot.  Hmm... 

There was thins child named LXT, she is an Autistic and she has Oral Apraxia, meaning she can hardly imitate word as her oral motor is weak.  But out of our amazement, she sang clearly today.  I would say she was the second clearest and the most in tune one!  All the teachers smiled.  We were all SO happy to see such scene.  This was so unexpected!

Usually she will just follow the actions of the songs during singing session.  She had not really sung.  One of the possibilities that I could think of is, she felt funny as today they were not singing as a group.  Usually our singing session for this group is very noisy and very "high".  Today was a bit quiet, I guess... she wasn't used to it.  So she might have thought," Eh, how come no one sings today? Okay... nobody sings, so I sing... louder!"  When I was driving, I flashed back how she sang, I chuckled.  XD

Her mother had been very sad over her condition.  Her mother did think of killing her before she accepted her child.  To me, she is a pretty gal, a gal whom I love when I first saw her.  I like the way she looks at things, I like the way she communicates with her eyes and I still remember the first time she indicated to me that she needed to change her clothes by pointing to her dress and the room.  I was so glad!  

Her mum had been discouraged by a lot of things, even the slow progress of her child.  Some times she was so depressed that she called me at night for reassurance.  I pity her.  Well, well, today, finally there was something touched her heart, something she longed for all these years.  Yeah, I told her that she sang SO clearly when I saw her just now, she was so happy to know that, she finally got positive comments without her approaching the teachers herself.  I'm joyous too.  I can't suppress but to praise Him for He is AWESOME, indeed!!!