About selfishness

hmm...I was quite depressed last night. There were many factors. The night before i was quite depressed also. The more people i meet, the more i feel disappointed with myself. Hmmm... Weird>> maybe...

I do not want to talk about that matter now.

When we talk about selfishness, it usually refers to people who only care for themselves. People who are not generous. People who are calculative etc.. However, it's not only those that were mentioned above.

Last time, i thought i'm a very generous and other-centered person.

I do not mind spending on people. I do not mind giving my time to people. I do not mind giving help to people even in the middle of the night. I do not mind really. But all these do not mean that I'm not selfish.

My counselor told me that I'm very selfish because i kept thinking that i cannot do this and that, i cannot accept this and that, i do not want this and that to happen to this or that person, I am not good etc.. I am selfish in short.

I couldn't help but to accept the fact. I need to continue to change my heart and mind. With all the experiences that i had, i can see how God is molding me. With all the tests, I can see that he wants me to love as how he Loves. He wants me to practice it instead of being NATO (No Action, Talk Only). He loved those who persecuted Him, he forgave them and still giving them chance to come back to HIM.

Do not really understand what I'm talking about right? Sigh...It's all about my mind kept playing the tape saying,"I cannnnt do it! I'm useless!"

I know in many ways God is speaking to me. In fact i can hear and I'm shivering over what He may ask me to do. Sigh...

Frankly, i do not want him to speak louder. I'm very afraid to experience that once again! Remember my previous post? God spoke so loud to me. "DON'T QUIT!" Scary oh! I can't forget that! Haiz...