Hate Myself !

Last night, we went to uncle William's place to have a so called "Christmas Party" for the youth. Though i'm not a youth anymore, i joined. Hmmm... I was no feeling well. I was having viral fever. I was tired because i did not sleep well. I did not join them in any games. I am really not sociable.

I understand how other people may feel when they asked me to join this and that and i often rejected their invitations. I know because I've my own Sunday School class. I gotta crack my head to help my children to join in some of the games. I understand... I just couldn't help it. I'm really not open. I can talk to people but not when i'm in a group. I'm a quiet observer.

I gotta accept myself. But i felt guilty when i rejected people. I hate myself for not being friendly. I hate myself for not being open. I really do not know how to make it happen. I forced myself very much. You know what's my worry now? I know i should not worry about it. I know I'm thinking too much. But, this is how i'm feeling now.

I wanna play Frisbee. This Saturday, they are gonna play. I hope to join them. I wanna join them. I joined them when they played captain's ball before. I was very disappointed with both myself and the way they played it. I'm afraid they maybe the same again. Sigh...and i'm very afraid that i may cause them to lose the game. See...I'm too free to think about all these nonsense. Sigh... low self- esteem ah!!! Somebody please help boost my esteem up a bit!

Hmmm...tomorrow i planned to go Tesco alone. I was assigned to get brooms and mops for the center. I laughed when i was assigned to do this. I cannot imagine. Wanwai buy brooms and mops wor. I can harly help my mums with house work. Hahaha...

I shall end my day here. So sad. I should seek God now to find my identity again because i'm looking for assurance from human again.