I have not been online for almost a week. Hmm... All because I've not been well. I started to feel unwell since 7th June. It was a week ago. I was having fever on and off. I was feeling very tired and very sleepy though I slept early. I was feeling dizzy all time. Haha... I even fell down when I was running with a kid. I slipped. Luckily I did not hurt my leg or my back. Just being laughed for a moment. Haha... My sis laughed like mad, she did not even help me up. What the...!

Hmm... I hope to get well soon especially the tiredness that I'm having. Kok Ming always says I'm like an old lady, pain here, pain there and I agree also. I'm well known of falling sick also. Friends always ask me, " How are you? Still sick ah?" Then they laugh. Haha...

Last few years I'd been sick often, one of my colleagues bought me Vitamin C. Haha... And lately, another colleague bought me 2 packets of Salonpas, plaster for backache and stiff shoulders etc. Haha... One of my students parents bought me one big patch also with Chili extracts some more. Haha... It is that obvious that almost everyone knows about it.

However, I'm so thankful for these caring people and especially Kok Ming. He is the one who provides me a lot of medical needs and help my mum watch over me. I some times make my mum very worried I know. She makes herbal tea for me and I don't like it. She makes juice for me and some times I feel very reluctant to take it. She can mix this and mix that until I freak out. But she knows me now, she will make the simplest for me and put it together with my lunch box. I've such a great mum.

Finally!

Finally I'd done what I tried to do and I had peace during that worship in fact. Just after that I was not happy with myself. This is my problem all this while. Well, I bet God had made it a successful one. Yes, He did!

So, Let Everything that Has Breathe, Praise The Lord! Unceasingly!

Clarification

Somebody said that I am disorganized again. Pastor Edmund's part or my part, yeah well, he triggered me to flash back my childhood and my focus is how a childhood can affect the rest of a person's life.

And secondly I'm not self pitying here. I am really not trying to pity myself. If I ever want to I'd already shared with people around me. And i guess, many people do not know all this. I wanted to write just for the sake of writing. In fact, I do not really feel comfortable with some people who are reading my blog.

My objective for this blog after I put the link on the tag of MSN was to test myself. I wanna test myself how personal can I share here. At first only 1 or 2 persons were reading this and then soon I found out many more. I was liKe..Sigh...felt very burden to write also. From all my posts I guess this is the most personal one. I do not hope for pity. And I did not expect anything from anybody. AND I do not have any intention of writing this. Please people, do not think like that. This is going to be discouraging.

I am also trying to reach out to others. Sharing a bit of Him here whenever I can. It's about my life, my life with Christ.

And I am not passive over my past anymore. I want to change and I am very sure that God will use what I had experienced to help others. Just that I'm still on my way to be better. I am not self pitying. I just want to agree with Edmund Smith that God can move mountains. Edmund Smith is now married with 2 kids. Frankly, before I know this man, I would think that there' no cure for Homosexuality. I even forgot that God can if they allow God to intervene. And now God is using him to counsel other gays or ex-gays. How amazing? How marvelous? It's God's grace indeed that we can come out of our shells. It's God's grace that we are still standing, though we were suicidal. Frankly, we are living by the grace of God. I use "we" because, dwelling in the past is a sin as well, and I am trying to come out of it and by the grace of God, I did it. Well, not totally yet. Still on the way. I'm ex- past ( Just crapping).

The funniest thing is, those who read already, told me that that post made them appreciate their childhood which they thought it was bad. Thanks guys for sharing your thoughts with me after reading it! Continue your faith in God. Do not give up trusting God. I'm sad to see that! I didn't give up and God protected me even when He was still a stranger to me. If not I would have entered mental illness center or maybe I maybe in great depression that I can't come out of it. Press on! I will too!

Femininity

I really, really enjoyed Pastor Edmund's session with us today. Umm... he is an ex-gay, as in, last time he was a homosexual. Hmm... He is a mix, his father is a White and his mother is a Malaysian. His childhood was bad. As he was sharing, my mind was provoked. His sharing brought me back to my childhood as well and all the info that I'd been receiving from different people, info about marriage or the opposite gender and at the same time I was receiving bad treatment from females.

Those info were from my parents' example, and from one of my female tutor. She educated us, gals to be independent and not to depend on men. She added that men are not reliable etc. She was feeding us with all the negatives side of it. So I do not really have confidence in marriage. I gotta overcome it. And I realized I have a lot of things to overcome. Sigh...

Oh well, yeah, I can't deny that I was a confused child and even right now I can be very confused with a lot of things especially when there is an argument going on. Hmm... I am not sad to be brought back to my past though. How should I organize my thoughts? I'm famous with disorganize in my work place when comes to sharing thoughts etc.

When I was young, my dad said this very often," I hate you the most! I dislike you!" He rejected me many, many, many times. I couldn't forget this. Last time, whenever I remembered what he said, I wept, silently in my room alone! Nobody knew that what he said hurt me very deeply. I started to build a wall inside my heart. I was only 6- 7 years old. I didn't know what to do but to pretend to be strong. Nobody ever praised me and nobody ever appreciated my presence. Oh well, God is always good though he was still a stranger to me that time. He sent me loving teachers who protected me in the kindergarten. I attended Sunday school too but those memories were too blur. I can only remember that I performed and I only remembered I refused to put on lipstick. (Heh!)

Since then, I didn't have any close relationship with my dad and though he said he hated me, he still provided me things that I needed and wanted. Most of the time, I tried not to depend on him. Any problem, I tried to settle by myself and I depended a lot on other people and myself. He favored my elder sister very much. And at the same time, my sister jealous over my height, that was when I was standard 2. So she started doing a lot of "stupid" stuff to trap me to be scolded and tp be beaten up. She hid my parents ICs and licenses, lit fire and put under the cupboard, hid our piggy banks, hid my books during exams, tore my books into small pieces when exam was near, forced me to do house work, when I refused, she burnt my hand with matches or bang my head to the wall, threatened me etc. All that she'd done, she accused me in front of my parents. They trusted her so much. Nobody cared what I had to say.

Last time, I used to wet my bed until standard four (according to my counselor, that was a sign of insecurity in a child). So, one day, I am not sure what really happened but I think I didn't follow her way, that was in the morning, she urinated on the floor and then called my mum saying that I did that because I was lazy to go toilet. (at that time, everyone thought that I was lazy to get up from bed to go toilet). After hearing from my sister, she was very angry. She wanted to teach me a lesson, she forced my head down to the urine asking me to drink. Yeah, my heart was broken once again.

I hate CNY, I really hate CNY, my mum will complain to her sisters and brothers, even in laws what I had done which I didn't. All my relatives pointed their fingers at me advising me to be good! And they even looked down on me. I hate those eyes! I hate the way they looked at me. Not only my relatives, these things happened too often that my mum had no choice but to tell my teacher in school. I still remembered that incident. My sister stole my mum's money, about Rm 100. During my time, Rm100 was really big! I don't know how my sister spent those money. My mum brought this issue to my school. My teacher, my mum, myself and all my classmates were in the class. My teacher asked me whether I had stolen mum's money. At first I kept quiet and shook my head. After she asked a few times in front of everybody, I forced myself to admit it with tears in my eyes. Then my teacher continued asking where did i spend those money. Guess what I did? I made up stories. Sigh... That was tough! I gotta pretend that I was fine, continued to pay attention in the class.

Nobody knew that my heart was bleeding!

At the same time, my parents quarreled very often and my mum wanted to leave us. I still remembered how I tried to hide the house keys. And I witnessed how my dad beat my mum! I didn't have peace at home. I was a Buddhist because my parents are. So I started to pray, I prayed to Guan Yin. I asked him to take away half of my life to restore my parents' relationship. I cried every night and praying the same prayer over and over again. Their quarreled lasted until I finished Form 5. On and off they still fight! With all these, I stopped talking to them. I seldom talked, even when they asked me questions and my dad said I must be dumb. I just couldn't talk. I didn't really talk in school but I had pen pals and my nickname was Black-shirt Angel. I wore black most of the time too.

At the same time as well, I was often rejected by girls since Kindergarten. Until now I still do not know why. Since Kindergarten until secondary school. These things never stop happening. I was hurt over and over again. I tried to survive. I was not happy at all. I needed friends, so i started mixing with boys. I still remembered I started mixing with boys in kindergarten, a Malay boy and a Chinese boy whom the class hated. I mixed with them. I didn't know for what reason they hated them too.

I wanted a brother very much and I believed that if I ever have a brother, all these will not happen. Well, until now I still prefer mixing around with guys. I'm too afraid. My own sister treated me like that, one of my female teachers hated me, my girl friends rejected me and my aunts looked down on me. I do not and never have any confidence in gals. I was traumatized. I'm trying my very best already now! This really makes me tired. I am still very afraid.

yeah, come back to Pastor Edmund, he mentioned something about Hemophilic, which means we love our same gender friends very much that we can hold hands and hug each other which this usually happens in girls. Frankly, I don't have this kinda feeling, I don't have any girl friends that I can do this.

He also mentioned something about Self issue which I had and still have. When I was still young, I started a relationship with Kok Ming, and during that time, I still remember, I like buying guys stuff, i used to wear very loose clothings and I used to wear guys' Bermudas. I still remember how he stopped me from buying. And lately, there were 2 weddings, Peter's and Anne's. Well, usually people will dress very nicely to weddings and I often struggled. I struggled because I'm very afraid to dress up. Partly because I'm afraid of people looking at me, that's why I seldom wear Spaghetti straps tops. Partly also because i felt that it's too feminine.

When I reached church I was actually trying to hide behind Kok Ming. I just couldn't accept myself and so regretted to wear dress. And I felt that I looked weird. Kok Ming didn't praise me also, all that he will say is "Ok ah", "nothing's wrong" etc. I didn't get any firm assurance from him so I really dared not think that I looked good. After the wedding, we went Jusco for dinner, I was like," Huh, wear dress to Jusco?!" I started nagging and one comment from Kok Ming really struck me. he said," Ask you to do something more feminine also cannot!" Then he sighed. haha...

During the second wedding dinner, I was still fearful! Argh... I can't accept myself to be like that. How? Well, do not worry, I won't go into transgender/ transexual/ homosexual. It was all because of what had happened before what I am now! I'm still trying to come out of it. I'm really trying hard. I love today's sermon and the sharing. It was so refreshing and God can do mighty things that always amazes us. And I believe, I will be able to come out of it also. I need support though!

A Tribute

This is obviously Cikgu Jervin/ Cikgu Abang. That's how some of the kids called him. Hehe...
He was the rose among the thorns because he was the only guy at the center (Pengkalan center). Kids loved him so much, boys and gals. Well, especially gals! He loved 2 gals most too. One is Hui Yin and the other is Jing Joey. And all of us love him very much too.

This is our overall schedule for the sessions. We have our pictures there to help the students know which teacher in charge of the activities. My sister and Jervin will always paired with a senior teacher. 3 senior teachers and all of us rotate. So they will pair with different teachers every two weeks. I'm gonna miss his presence so much :)

He was my support through out the 5 months. Especially when came to my sister's problem for the past months. We even tried to break the chain of the teachers in both centers and we had great fun! haha... At least I had fun! Hmm...



This was his seat. He had been sitting there for 5 months and always in the morning, he came into the office silently. Many times I did not even notice he arrived. And always after I realized I'll smile to him and he will burst out laughing many times or he would give me a smile in return with one kind of look. I do not understand why. Maybe he felt that I was tricking him.





Hmmm... Yeah my sis sat next to him and some times they did not talk to each other whole day and some times they talked non- stop and laughed like mad. And very often I turned to their table and chatted with them. Their table is always messy. Look what my sis was doing? Curi tulang! But actually she was peeping. Oh yes, Jervin always stared at the files. He said he was imagining how to teach the particular child. Haha... He can look at the file for 10 minutes then walked out to the hall, then looked into the file again. haha... My sis will always sing out loud. Not sure if Jervin felt annoyed at times.


Friday was his last day serving the kids. He went outside to take pictures of the theme wall and the surroundings. Haha... There he was standing near the hall shooting some pictures of the theme wall. hmm... he's gonna miss the center I bet. And the kids and US of course! He did not know that I took this picture I guess as he admitted that he is not observant. Hahaha...





Then he came back in giving me one kinda look again. Haha... Aiya, should have taken one when he was in the toilet. Haha... He was very annoyed whenever I said that. When he was in the toilet, we can actually see his head because the window of the Gents is low. He was wondering why I was holding up my phone. I did not give him any respond and he looked behind to see what I was capturing. haha... Silly!
I know, he gave me that kind of look was because of the past experiences. Haha... You'll see why!



After he left, his chair will be empty. Hmm... So sad to see and to know that! Hey, thanks for coming back on Thursday and Friday! You spiced up my birthday surprised!






This is what I had made for him. This was planned since March or maybe February. I did not know how I came out with this idea. But I was quite sure that he will love this gift! So I started shooting his pictures whenever I've a chance to. He was annoyed by me because I did not tell him the reason. I even asked Lap Foong to help me with this but he discovered every time. I even shot from the rear mirror of my car if you can noticed. His car was behind mine. He noticed too when I did that. haha... Quite observant though. Whenever he asked me the reason I'll tell him that I need those to make an advertisement which is a very important thing. Haha... Then he showed me an annoyed face again. At the lower corner on the right was a teaching aid, it's called Uncle Bobby. They, as in my sis and Jervin used blue tag to made some disgusting stuff on it's face. Hahaha...



This was the first time he washed his own dishes in the center. Why? I was actually not sure because from the first time he brought his lunch with those containers I already asked him why not wash here. He said he'll bring it back to wash. Then I asked if he's using Diamond Energy Water at home to wash things, he said no. And finally, last month when Michelle asked he said mum washed for him and Michelle teased him and maybe he felt guilty of making his mum work, he washed it by HIMSELF in the center. And I captured this. He was shocked and blur!
Look at him, so funny! haha...His friends laughed at this picture!





This was when he was doing Language. Great experience huh? I hate this most. Not my area! Gotta present different stories or language kinda thing in front of the mums. And many times the class will be very noisy. And your voice will go rough after language time. You gotta sing louder, above the noise. Talking about singing, Jervin and I often couldn't find harmony in our singing. When I sang, he gotta sing higher key. When he did that, his voice sounded like a gal. And when he sang, I gotta sing higher til I couldn't reach. Argh! but at the end of the day, we finally made it! God is great!



The time was near, we started taking pictures with each other. All these are precious moments! We truly treasure the time that we spent together. And soon my sister will leave! SAD! Notice or not, Jervin always wears white. He actually always wore red, white and black to work. haha... His favorite colours, says he.


My sister captured this. haha... Hey, brother, you are getting thinner and thinner. Sigh... So sad to see you like that. Eat the right portion ok? 3 Hashbrowns for lunch? Man, it definitely wont be enough for you. Not even enough for me! Hmm... Maggi mee twice a week? Hmmm... And you ate 2 packets of maggi mee and 1 packet of Nasi Lemak that day! When I was looking at how you ate, I wanted to vomit. And that day we had cakes and other food before lunch 'coz of the teacher's day celebration! And during lunch you took cakes as well and evening, cakes again! And night cake again! Take care of yourself ya! Your body is the temple of God oh! I know I sounded like a hypocrite! I'm trying to take care of mine. heh!





I'm being UNCV here. UNCV is our abbreviation for UNCIVILIZED. haha... His IC. My sis captured this not me! Look for her if anything ok? I'm not that free OK?








This was his last project. It was for Kenny! Hmm...Our difficult case! Sigh!
Look at him, he was so stressed out! Man, without you guys on Wednesday, it's gonna be very quiet!










Jervin at work! Very focus and serious unless I disturb him. hahaha... Celine also stressed out looking at his project! haha...





This is a post for you. Thank you for being such a supportive and caring brother in Christ and a very obedient and patient colleague. Thank you for sharing some of my burdens. Haha... I learned a lot from you too. Like the way you shared during our devotion. Your bilingual sharing was really good! Just that you may need to add something about yourself then it will be perfect! haha... Ah... we called you pastor Jervin huh? haha...and you did not like it!

Hey, you spiced up the lives of the kids and you provided them the love that was and is from the bottom of your heart. I can see that you enjoyed them as well. Hope you gain much from this exposure! We are really living by the grace of God that we are physically and mentally complete. We are made for a reason and the kids too. Without them, the parents would not have a chance to have contact with our dear God!

Cheer up! May our presence be a blessing to everyone around us. Keep shining! AND keep trying! I saw your effort and you are doing great! Keep it up! And I wanna leave with you 2 verses that are 1 Corinthians 10:13 and John 16:33. JIA YOU! Praying for you!

My sis planned a birthday surprised for me today :) She requested my dad to send her to order a cake. Then she also invited Lap Foong and Jervin for the surprised. Lap Foong went to take the cake. Hahaha...I'm surprised that he knew his way! ( You know your sense of direction la!)
I was doing Gross Motor (P.E.) that time and I didn't really notice Lap Foong came and I didn't really notice my sis went in. I was focusing on teaching my kids to throw Frisbee!



When time was up, we gathered the children and we went back in to the kitchen. Once I went back in I saw my sister lifting a cake and said," Nah, Happy Birthday to you!" My kids all got very excited whilst I was still blur. I was confused because today is not my birthday. Friday only is my birthday so I nearly wanted to ask who gave another cake for Teacher's Day. haha... Then I went in to the hall wanted to hide. Really shy to have this surprised.

The children were really excited! Hahaha...after my colleague gathered them, they sang birthday song to me. Haha...so glad to hear my kids sang it to me. haha... Usually they will get their snacks but today most of them just sat around the table waiting for the cake to be cut. They behaved so well! Haha...

This is the first time I celebrated my birthday with the kids. Thanks to my sister! It's indeed an unforgettable one! Hmm... They took pictures and video too. Look at me, I looked like an "aw ba sang". Hahaha... It was so hot today!




We had two cakes today. One was from the parents, they celebrated teacher's day with us. The other one is my cake. hehe... For me, May is a very happening month to me because there are a lot of celebrations like Mother's Day, teacher's day and my birthday =) And Labor day too. I'm a labor. haha...

Tomorrow mum is gonna give me a feast :) Actually I'm more happy about my mum's effort :) hehe... Looking forward for tomorrow's dishes. My favorites :) I've a video here. Guess who off the lights? I shy so I went in to the hall then they followed me. And it was a kid who off the lights--It's Alicia! Haha...


Father in Heaven, indeed You are the most loving and gracious God. Thank you for sustaining me until this day that I am able to come before You at this moment to offer up my thanksgiving to You. Father, thank you for giving me a family and friends who care about me and who love me! Father, I pray that You will always keep them safe and help them through in whatever circumstances. May You continue to use me as an instrument to reach out to people and always be glad to serve others. Amen!




Still have 2 more videos on the way if I'm not mistaken... This was when I went in to the hall. Then saw Alicia switching off the ligts. haha...Alicia is so cute! You guys hired her to be part of the thing? Haha! Hmm...Thank you guys for this! I had a great time today!

Thanks!

Hi, to you guys who have been concerning over me. I finally let go of the issue. Forgiveness done and thanksgiving offered up. Thank God for you guys who have been praying for me. I'll press on, do not worry.

God is always there and He will keep His promise. He will not let me be tempted beyond what I can bear, He will always provide a way out. Without this I will not be able to grow wiser and to find joy and importance of sharing with others. Everything happens for a reason. Hoping to see more great things to happen soon.

Pray that I'll be able to overcome my fears and continue serving God in the way that He wants me to serve. This experience surely will not be wasted because God may want me to use it to minister to others in future. Who knows? Just like how others had ministered to me with there own experiences. Thanks once again! Thanks for the encouragements and advices as well!

I understand how tired it is to fight against our natural inclination. I understand totally. We lose control on and off. It can be our temper, our words, our reaction and our responds. I understand totally. I am struggling not to fight for my right which I think I deserve. When I fail, it doesn't mean that I do not understand.

Whatever I do, whatever I say, I try to understand others' feelings, try to understand their situation. Being a self conscious person, I find myself guilty when I fail to do that. I find myself guilty after scolding people. I find myself guilty when things do not turn out well. I admit at times I really do give in to my selfishness. I have been trying not to! I did not demand much, I just need support and understanding of my flaws. I just need very very basic stuff. Even if i gotta live in poverty, I think with those basic stuff, I'll feel contented. I really understand, I really tried and still trying.

Dear Anonymous,
Your comment made me cry again. I gotta re- read my post. I think I did not mean that you guys did not include me. It's not others' problem. I did not blame anyone but myself. There's some other problems arose in my life at the moment. Do not worry. It's not anyone's problem. I don't feel belong is 'coz of myself. I often get myself lost in the crowd. I'm very very afraid. Lately more that afraid.

Maybe this can explain:
"This is a story of two battles, a battle to keep out "the world" and a battle to join it. It tells of the battles within my own world and the battle lines, tactics used, and casualties of my private war against others.

This is my attempt at a truce, the conditions of which are on my terms. I have, through out my private war, been a she, a you, a Donna, a me, and finally, an I. All of us will tell it like it was and like it is.

If you sense distance, you're not mistaken; it's real. Welcome to my world." -Donna William

This is her note of her book called Nobody, Nowhere. Does this make you understand more? Or make you even confused? I'm in such situation or I should say I've been in such situation.

Anyway, hope you do not misunderstand my post and yeah, thanks for your affirmation.

Holy Is The Lord

Dedicating this song especially to the whole of EY, Myanmar and China, praying that everyone will join in one accord and may God's holiness and righteousness be seen in the world. And hoping that all men will confess and give their(our) all to God and God alone. May we make this a prayer for the nations, so that the nations will join their hearts together, singing praises to the King of all kings, proclaiming in one voice:

HOLY IS THE LORD
I can see the angels gathering
'round the throne to bring an offering
Of praise to the king of all kings
It's Jesus

I can hear their voices singing loud
Bringing anthems in a glorious cloud
Of praise to the king of all kings
It's Jesus

Nations will join and men confess
Declaring your holy righteousness
Giving their hearts, their lives, their all
To the king of glory

Mountains declare and oceans roar
All of creation stands in awe
Join with them now in one accord
Holy is the lord

All of the angels stand and sing
The anthem of heaven loudly rings
Hear them proclaim this offering
Holy is the lord

Holy is the lord
Holy is the lord

I Belong to YOU!

Today Kok Ming is on call again. I went for night worship alone. Well, not really alone but with Foong. I didn't feel that bad. I'm very afraid because I don't feel belong though I know my reason of going is to meet God. And almost every time God spoke to me through the night worship. Even tonight.

Maybe my soul started questioning, who am I, which I tried to escape. I tried to pretend that there's nothing wrong with my soul. I wasn't doing my quiet time lately. The first thing I did when I went to work is to start working. Before that I usually did my quiet time. I did it almost every day without fail. I arrived an hour earlier so I have plenty of time. But I chose to start work. Every Monday, I have to open prayer. I began to utter prayers that I didn't even know what I was praying. I was not passionate as before.

I even began to doubt my ability, to feel that I'm a failure in many ways. I began to feel that I couldn't lead, I should not be the leader. I don't worth any respect. I began to feel distance, I don't belong to my work, my church, my home, and everything else.

Jervin, Lap Foong and my sister will be leaving me behind to pursue their studies. Maybe I put them before God, I enjoyed their presence so much that I can't let go. Looking at the other people which I don't know how to feel belong to. It's so hard for me to make the first step to mix with them. I just feel hard. At first I thought I'll wait on the Lord, wait for Him to show me. Now that I'm not even there yet, I stumbled. I gave in to my weariness. I really gave in to my weariness. I started to be impatient, I was irritable, I hate people asking me questions even my mum. Sigh...

I really lost myself. Until this morning, I looked at the newspaper, the news of the kids crying for help, the facial expressions of them all, the cry from their hearts, a mother keep motivating her son to stay strong under the rocks, the kids dead bodies, the people who were and are still trying hard to rescue them, those who are still waiting for their loved ones to be rescue and those who are expecting the worse, tears swelled in my eyes. And a lady crying her heart out because of the death of her hubby. Sigh... I was speechless. I did not let my tears roll down. I was stubborn. I tried not to think about it. Sigh...

However, God will not just let me go. He wanted me to do something. He wanted me to come back. he wanted me to know that I'm His. When I was on the way to church, I was asking myself, where do I belong? When Kok Ming is on call, where do I go? Who do I talk to? Well, I did talk to God at times especially when i need to face people. I am really, really very afraid to see their faces. Really, really very afraid. So same thing here, when my sis is not here anymore, where do I belong? When they leave, where to i belong? I tried to pretend that I'm fine. I just... Sigh... When Vincent was back, I felt so happy. At least I know there is some body that I know.

I did not recognize the problem until today. That I finally have to face it before God. The first song that was sung/shared entitled Who Am I. As I was listening to this song, I just couldn't control my tears and my heart turned sour. My soul was like telling me, this is the problem, God said," Kid, you don't know who you belong to? You belong to ME, I love you so much, you belong to ME!" Then fine, I continue to worship and gave thanks to Him for loving me and thanking Him for accepting me even when I don't deserve it.

Then, came another small voice in my heart saying," How can you blame Kok Ming for being busy? How can you say that you don't belong anywhere? How can you? Look at China, where and who do those people belong to except those who have Christ? Are you not satisfied with what you have? Why are you not appreciating people around you? Why do you show impatience to you parents? Those babies don't even know who their parents are. Their parents may have died. Who do they belong to then?" This came during the second song.

Then Kian Aun chose another song which I used for Vineyard Keepers' Thanksgiving Night Movie. Thankful Heart by Matt Redman. As we were singing, almost near the end, my mind had a picture of myself kneeling down asking for forgiveness, my knee jerked a bit, I dared not kneel down because I was self- conscious but I told myself not to grieve the Spirit anymore, I knelt down and my body was trembling. I asked God for forgiveness, I prayed for China asking God to shine forth His Glory. Shower them with love and comforts. Then after washed cups, I left immediately.

Before I left, I just feel that I should do something to my mum to help her grow. I hope I can bring her to night service in Chinese Assemble to worship God together with her. Pray with me. Thanks.

Family Day

Wow, it was a fun day. We had our Family Day at the Lost World of Tambun yesterday. It's indeed great seeing so many families came together to have fun together with the kids. Every year, our organization tries to have an educational trip and/or Family Day. All of them are encouraged to join unless they have something on on that particular day. All of them were very supportive *applaud* Their presence made it a successful one.

The most important thing is all of the children were cooperative. They entered the place happily, especially Kenny Downe. I mentioned him in my previous post. He is one of the most difficult case in our center. He bites and hit and just gets frustrated without any reasons. Lately, one of the teacher was bitten by him. Haha... Too bad, I didn't get to take his pictures. His happiness brought me joy. We put a lot of effort to prepare him for this place.

We made a social storybook together with him and at home his mom was supposed to tell him the story everyday to prepare him for this Family Day. And she said she did. When he reached the place, he was calm and steady. He knew what to expect and he laughed as he was going through the security scan thing. He behaved So well. Just too well that I did not expect it to be. Well, yes, I guess I belittled God's power. We prayed so hard. At least me, when I was in bed, I also thought of him. Yes, stressful!

I had another burden which is our Yoga master in the center. Haha... she is a Downs' Syndrome girl with Autistic features. Another headache case. Sigh...She often refused to walk. When she refuses to walk, she will just sit on the floor. No matter how her maid persuades her also can't make her move. She is like a mountain, hard for human to move. Her parents, can't do anything also. However, she was quite Ok that day. Really thank God.

I did not get to take many pictures. Maybe another camera got quite a lot. When I got it I'll sure post them because it meant so much to me. I had fun playing with the kids and with my colleagues. I had fun with Earnie too. He is our ex- student. He is now 13 years old already. He likes Jervin very much. Hahaha... We went two rounds in the river with him and he wanted another round. Jervin played those slide things with him few times too. It was so fun!






Another shameful thing was when we were on the Stormrider. I sat at the back. So when it swings to my side, it was so high. Actually my heart wasn't beating fast, but there was this "butterfly in the stomach" feel. This "butterfly in the stomach" made me screamed like mad until those Malay guys sitting opposite me laughed at me. I felt ticklish too as i was screaming because I felt very shameful as the whole ship I was the only one who screamed. My other female colleagues just closed their eyes. My sister did not scream also. She suggested me to looked towards the sky, but it was more scary.






When we played the Cliffraiser and Tuberaider. I also screamed. My sister was sitting in front of me. She laughed. Haha...I really felt shameful but still it was fun. I screamed but I am not afraid to play with it once more. This is my second time there.



Our last stop was at the Tiger Valley. They tigers are so smart. They are just like dogs. They listened to instructions and obeyed. The cub is cute too. It's like a dog, it is so playful. Too bad they do not allow us to touch it. *sob*


These are some of the pictures we took. There maybe more until I get them. Let me introduce some of the kids to you as well. Haha...




This is our Mr. Question. He likes to ask questions. He just asked whatever you say. Basically everything you say. (Gavin Ooi).




This is our Mr. Durian hair (Chang Lok). But his hair looked much nicer now.




This is our crying princess, Xin En. She was crying...




These are the "lou sen ji" in the center. They have been with us for a very long period.






We... hahaha...




And We...




And We again :)


(hope to get more pictures of the kids to share with you!)

Guess What?!

Haha...can anybody guess what is this? Obviously it's a face,but what formed this face besides the basket and the pen which were used to draw it?

Haha..clue,it's from one of our body parts! can you get the answer?Yes,it's leg! Here comes another question,whose leg was that? Haha...

This could be a bit hard to guess except for Carmen cos she already knew! Now you got it? YES! It was Vincent's leg!haha...

He came to center that day because he was assigned to share something during our devotion time. He stayed with us until 5pm. When it was near 5pm, he put the basket on his leg crapping that his leg looked like a person wearing hat. Then my sis wanted to draw a face on his leg,but she dared not cos she was afraid that Vincent will be angry.

As she moved the permanent marker towards his leg.she stopped. Then,I grabbed it and started drawing it.

I started drawing an eye, Vince was shocked cos he didn't expect me to draw that big. He ran away, but with my noises, he let me finish this very nice picture. haha... Then quickly we took a picture of it! When he bended his leg, to our amazement, it really looked like a face with a neck!

That day was fun! All cos of Vince's presence. Whenever he's in the center, the atmosphere changed. I really enjoyed his presence and I really thank God for this brother who always being cheerful and always spread joy to people around him.

He can be very straight forward, sarcastic, and crappy. All these did not make me feel uncomfortable. Some people being straight forward. Sarcastic and crappy, i may not be able to stand it (when it comes from certain people.) But I'm fine with his.

Vincent's a very good supporter and hyperactive too. He was the one who taught me Frisbee and the one who encouraged me to play. Thanks so much Vince! Pray that God will use you and may you act according to his will too!

Labour Day =)

I had a wonderful Labor Day! Early in the morning, we went to play squash. Right after squash we played badminton. We spent 3 hours there altogether. Wednesday evening we played Frisbee together as well. Haha... and just now I went swimming. Hahaha...Yes, exercise freak- that's what Vincent called me. I'm not actually, just that lately I'm really stressed out so I long to go out "lepak" everyday!

Who are we? Carmen, Vincent, Lap Foong and Teh. It was really fun like what one of them said, the game was pure enjoyment, not competitive at all. It's really FUN!!! After badminton, I had laksa at Vince's house. I met Huey Leng, Vince's cousin at his house. The laksa was really good. Hahaha...

This was the first time i played badminton with Teh, he was my primary school friend. We have known each other for at least 18years already. Cool huh?! Really sounds like friend forever! It's hard to find such friend, so please treasure our friendship ok?

He said my blog is very heavy. haha...Well, how to make it light? Really heavy? hahaha... I don't know. *Shrug* Thanks for making yesterday an enjoyable day! Thanks Vince and Foong. And Carmen too!!!

Thank God for it as well because it was one of my prayers. I needed a break and yesterday was like a break for me, I did not do anything at all except play. Hehehe...

No Turning Back

Some times, we tend to feel that we are far from God. And then we start to doubt if salvation is real and we start to get ourself even further by spending more time on other things rather than spending time with God. When we meet people who are fervent, we start to be frustrated. We start to blame everything on earth including ourselves for not able to keep a close walk with God.

We will not be able to stop fading when we keep thinking we are fading. If we choose to stay at that stage which is not able to have a close walk with God, we will be. We are the one who hinders ourself from getting closer.

After hearing my friend's problem, a question popped up to me. "What else do you want me to do to help you get closer to Me?" A question from God. All we need to do, God already told us. We are the one who is not following. We need to find a way out instead of asking or saying," I'm very afraid..." We need to take action. We need to move on since God has given us grace each day!

He asked us to pray, to witness, to fellowship and to study His Word. Is this instruction not clear enough? This is what we can do to get close to Him. Are we still not sure how? We are really like Israelites, we couldn't see the goodness of God. We always forget how He brought us out from our Egypt. Friend, please come back. Our Father in Heaven is calling you," Son, come home. I'm waiting for you!"

Dedicate this song for you my dear friend:
I Have Decided to Follow Jesus
I have decided to follow Jesus (X3)
No turning back (X2)

The world behind me, the cross before me
The world behind me, and hope before me
The world behind me, and heaven before me
No turning back (X2)

Where Jesus leads me, I'll surely follow (X3)
No turning back (X2)

Sing "Glory, glory!" and "Hallelujah!" (X3)
No turning back (X2)

**I know it's a high tech world now, but I do not have Streamyx so i can only put this on, without sound!**

Breathe
this is the air i breathe
this is the air i breathe
your holy presence
living in me
this is my daily bread
this is my daily bread
your very word
spoken to me
and i....i'm desperate for you
and i....i'm lost without you


This is the song that I was talking about!

So touched, Soooo...TOUCHED

Remember I posted a case before about a child with ADHD? It's really hard to handle him. Whenever Tuesday comes, I'll tremble. Oh, ADHD means Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder. Yeah, but that could be a wrong diagnosis. We felt that he is more of an Autistic.

Well, today he came in with smiles on his face. He greeted me with prompts and then went in to the hall. He was fine until the wound on one of his legs started bleeding. He couldn't take it, not the pain but the blood. He didn't know what to do and basically he just couldn't handle any sudden incidents. He started screaming, crying, jumping and refused to complete his work. I was then handling another case. I watched him from far. My heart went over to this boy called Kenny. Sigh... I'm kinda afraid that the other parents may think that i'm bias. Well, I should do what is right rather than what others may think.

The teachers who were teaching him were quite lost. In fact, I was lost as well. One of the teacher came to me and asked me how. Frankly, I do not have any perfect solution. I was and am still trying things out. using different methods to handle him. Lately, he has problem with radio. So whenever we on radio, he'll go crazy. He even took out the CD from the radio and stopped us all from getting near to the radio. This happened last Tuesday. Today, we had the same activity with different things. Arghh... I was lost totally! I gotta find ways to help my colleagues. In the morning, I already prayed to God, asking for wisdom. I even thought of a way after that Tuesday. So they did as I said. But, it didn't work.

What we did was, we on the radio before Language time comes (That's when we needed the radio). Before Language time is craft time. We usually do craft outside the hall. we on it earlier hoping that he will be prepared because he has transition problem. However, once he heard the radio, he came in and off it and even fought with the teachers and let off on his mum. He yelled and cried and ran around and lied on the floor. Again, I was in charged of something else. After I finished distributing the stuff to other kids, i went in and took his slippers off. He hates that. He'll sure chase after the slippers. And he did. My colleagues closed the door quickly.

Before that a thought suddenly came to me about another radio. We have another radio in the office, so we brought that out and hid it behind the cubical. So that he wont be able to see it and we closed that corner up so that he wont even be able to get in and disturb it. This time, we did not play children songs, we played worship songs from WOW album. He went in and he was able to sit very quietly and well. After teacher taught the lesson, then they were supposed to pass the bag around with music. (This was when we needed the radio).

We played the cassette and in the very beginning, he was shocked. He was looking for the source of the music. He looked towards the radio that we usually played, but he couldn't see any lights were on. So he sat down and laughed.

The first song that was being played was BREATHE, if I'm not mistaken. One of the stanzas says: And I'm lost without You, and I'm desperate for You! That was when my tears swelled. I was so touched by God's grace and His mercy really would never come to an end and at the same time He reminded me that without Him, all of us are lost. Kenny was lost, his mum was lost, and teachers were lost. Only God can give us light and bring us JOY, GRACE and POWER.

Kenny enjoyed the songs and he smiled all the way! God's Awesome! He filled me with JOY again. I'll never, never forget this.

Fire Fall Down On me, I Pray

somebody told me not to put in so much negative stuff in this blog. I really can't help. Those stuff are real to me. When I'm weak, that's when God's glory will be seen. I do not know when can I take a break, a break from everything else. A break to have time for myself, time for things that I may not be able to do at this moment.

I hope to have a time to just sit at a place, just stare at anything without talking, without any disturbance. Or time when I can listen to songs, worship songs, just to relax and just to be with myself and maybe God. I do not mind to have another friend to be around, but I hope that friend will be quiet or we can just have some light chats.

Kok Ming often worries when I stare at something without moving. I did not ask if he did worry, he just gave me that impression that he was. Hahaha... Sometimes, maybe most of the time, I'll be like that when I've problems. Or when I'm sick, or when I'm tired.

In short, I just need to renew my strength.


Fire fall down, fire fall down on me, I pray!
As I sing,
Fire fall down, fire fall down on me, I pray!

Last night, I finally came before the Lord and wept in His arm. I cried unto Him. I finally acknowledged God my feeling. I'm tired, I'm really tired. I began to feel lonely in the field though I know I'm not. Me, being human, I've the tendency to ignore God's presence. Each morning I read His word and prayed to Him to give me wisdom to discern right and wrong. Each day, I asked God to help me focus on the work rather than other things that are not important or things that will not contribute to accomplish His purpose in the field.

I Failed many times though. I'll press on and lean on God. I will not be able to make it without God.

Lately there's a quite difficult case. Every time I gotta pray when I'm dealing with this kid. It's hard to understand him. It's challenging indeed. Tomorrow I'll be seeing him again. Pray with me. Doctors gave wrong diagnosis, which often confused me. No matter what diagnosis, my job is to find ways to help him and his family settle some of their problems, giving support and to love this child. What else can I give, yeah, the Love of God. I hope I am giving Him that!

I know I'm jumping here and there, putting my thoughts in random but this is true. I felt good to be back to my Heavenly Father's arm. This is real!