Read from bottom to top :P

On our way home. Look at the mountain in front of us, I thought it was nice. hmmm... It's kinda heavy hearted when I was heading home.

After lunch we went to her room just to spend the last few hours together. We were lying on her bed and we took a picture together, yea, only wan keen and me together because she was trying to fill up some of the forms before her orientation started. Hahaha... Wan Keen kept laughing. Look at her? Sigh...

Haha... Here's her toiletries compartment. Hmmm...

This is one of the compartment. I just took for fun because after cleaning up I had nothing to do there. So spending my time snapping some photos related to her.

This is her cupboard. Haha... I was not sure if she was gonna shift again so I told her not to unpack everything until the end of the orientation. Well, she told me she gotta shift to a new block after her first semester.

She is changing her slippers. Haha... We brought along broom and mop which her room mate did not bring any of those. Good start for them to share things :) Her room mate looked very cool and fierce you know. She did not say a single word even with her family. Maybe she was going through transition problem. And there were a lot more things to settle like the PTPTN loan and other registration things.

The "Last" picture with Wan Keen. Look at Wan Keen, she just liked taking pictures.

Heh, after cleaning her room. It looked much cozy, or much like a room. Hmm... Quite comfortable though everything was smaller than USM Penang. Haha... Yea, I still prefer USM. I put the cross there. Not sure where she placed it now. I did not ask.

The first person who slept on the bed was not wan sian. Haha... Who else if not Wan Keen? She was the first one to lie on the bed, happily.

Here's her room. It was extremely dusty. Her room mate reached before her. So she got no choice to choose her bed, cupboard, table etc. But everything was in not VERY terrible condition. At least better than the one we saw downstairs.

Here's her college office if I'm not mistaken. Here's the last the last station. After this, she could proceed to her room.

One of the station. Hahaha... I was accompanying her. Other parents and family were waiting down there. Hehe... She wont feel shameful one because she needed company.

Here is a picture showing her going up to the office to continue her registration procedures.

This was a gift for my sister when she left for uni. Hmm... Now that she had left, now my house left 4 of us only. At times really feel quiet. I often dragged my sister along to have supper or to have snacks outside. We went to Malay night market together. We enjoyed food together. Hahaha... Nobody shares my junks now. My chocolates, Mamee, yogurt drinks, fruit juice, Cheezels, rice crackers etc etc. Hmmm...

Play our Role

Oh man, I was so busy and so tired now! We had a new kid today. He's Benjamin Soong, known as Benji. He was quite good for a first timer in the center. He is only 2 years old. He's very chubby. He got lots of baby fat seriously. I can only feel his flesh when I hold his hand. His tummy is big and he is so cheerful! The mother is weird to me because she viewed her son as if he's an alien. Well, I don't blame her because this is her first child. She was like can't imagine how her son can learn and will be able to acquire the skills that we targeted for him.

Having a baby is suppose to be a joyful thing for the family. It supposed to be... However these bunch of parents get endless worries and hurts after they delivered their babies. Some thought after a safe delivery, they are safe. Who knows when their sons or daughters reach 2 or 3 years old, they discover some differences between their children and others. They start to question why their sweethearts have no speech yet, why they lost their first words after a while, while no eye contact from them, why are they so cranky all the time, why they dislike cuddles even from the family members and why they have sleep disorder and so on...

Then they start to ask around and they are suggested to see a doctor and then they will get the diagnosis from the doctor. That's when their despair starts. Some mothers go into depression and are not able to accept their children and some start seeking for help from then on. They start to look for early intervention center, speech therapy, physiotherapy or occupational therapy. Some even start to look for tuition for the kids and they don't mind spending as long as it may help the kids. Some of them even seek help from the bomohs.

These are the scenario of my parents in the center. They really need much support from the service providers and their family. They may seem to accept the child, however, deep down in their hearts, there are endless worries and questions. They are still seeking the answer and they are still seeking help from every where no matter what kinda services they are receiving now. Some times they may confuse their children even more.

As a service provider, our responsibility is not only to teach the children, we are to encourage the parents and give them comfort and assurance when need to. Our responds and our comments to the child is very important. The way we convey our message will affect the parents' emotions and they may feel discouraged if our respond is always negative. When we are teaching them, we really need to practice patience. We maybe frustrated because of the behavior of the child, but we should not show it on our face or express it verbally to the parents. We need to find our way out. Using the appropriate method will help the child work better and to avoid ourselves from being annoyed.

This is our responsibility. When we face difficulties in teaching these children, before we can complain about the children, we should check ourselves. How well are we doing? Are we helping them to solve the problems in learning or are we there to add burdens to the parents? What's our mission as a special education teacher? Is beating, shouting, blaming the right methods? What can we do about it? What is our responsibility? I disallowed my teachers to use cane, I even banned my parents from using it. I want them to communicate with the children, I want them to help the children listen to instructions instead of listening/ obeying the cane. Are we not worth of any respect? The cane is gaining respect from the children. What are we then?

I just hope that we are playing our role well. We are to be blamed when we receive any complaints from the parents. That shows that we are not playing our role well. When there's complains, check ourselves instead of blaming them for being demanding or being fault finding. I always believe that the parents are very appreciative. When they complain, that means we really are not playing our role well. I really hope this person can see the problem and start playing his/her role.

So Proud of U, wan keen!

Early of this year, Wan Keen participated a children painting competition organized by Henkel, a German company. They have this project called MIT which stands for Making an impact for Tomorrow. This competition was opened for less fortunate children like orphans or children from poor family. Wan Keen was the special one. She may be the only Autistic kid. There were 653 art works from the children from 23 countries. A preselection was made by a jury in Duesseldorf. Afterwards a second jury of 7 international children and artists living in Duesseldorf chose the final winners. She did it!!!

Wan Keen is one of the 5 winners under the category of 11- 12 years old. Though she is the winner, the prize will be given to our organization. One of the objectives is to encourage and support organizations working with children so that we can continue to serve these children and making an impact for the lives of these children for tomorrow.

We were thinking to hold the prize and certificate ceremony in her school so that her friends can be proud of her and also help open the eyes of the teachers teaching the normal classes, that there are indeed potential in these children and why should they be deprived or anything. And also let other children or parents be encouraged to see Wan Keen up there, receiving a recognition from an international body.

I'm so proud of her! The title for this competition was My Favorite Celebration and my sister chose Chinese New Year as her favorite celebration. Hope she can go even further from here.

YEAH!!! Muaks! We are so proud of her!

Baptism Anniversary?

I did not know today is my 3rd baptism anniversary until somebody sent me this SMS: A blessed 3rd baptism anniversary 2 u. Trust that u r doing well in d Lord...Then only I realized it. Wow, I was baptized on 3rd July 2005 and I accepted Christ on 1st July 2001. Hahaha... That's cool! I must remember it! Yo, I thought today is only my student's birthday. The SMS really surprised me. Thanks Peter for this GREAT reminder and the wishes. Yeah, indeed I'm blessed! This really enlightened my day!

Yeah, today is one of my students' birthday and his mum brought a cake to the center to celebrate his birthday with his friends and teachers. He has been with us for 5 years already.
The birthday boy and his friends. They all have grown up so much! And we spent many years together. I see them grow and they improve very fast each year!

"Hooo-hoo-hoo"! Off it goes!

He really loved his cake. He even tried to cut and distribute to his friends!

Can you see how much he enjoyed his cake? Look at his mouth. haha

Ideal Mate

Phew, finally done the session with the youth. I wasn't well prepared though I was having the book for so long. I started doing it on Thursday and completed on Friday or maybe I should say I completed on Saturday morning 2.30am. Hahaha... I know I'm bad. I was just not in the right mood to prepare that session for the past month. I've been feeling very tired and lazy. But my mind was working on it thinking what to share. Even on Thursday I was so tired but I'd no choice but to force myself to sit in front of the computer and started doing it. Hmm... My mind was so tired and I found it hard to digest what I was reading from the book.

I did not practice my presentation until Saturday morning around 11am. Another round of practice was an hour before the meeting. At first I was not nervous until Carmen came. She said she will ask questions. Hahaha... But at the end. Her question was not answered. :P

Finally completed. There were laughters and silence. I was quite afraid when the youth went silent. Hahaha... I know the girls were attentive and some of the guys were sleepy. I think this sharing spoke to somebody which I was quite afraid at first. I was afraid because one of the statement sounded quite harsh. However, I told myself I must emphasize even more on not to have non- christian bf/ gf. Well, I did my part, and I just wanna leave the rest to God to help them through. I'm sad when I know this thing is happening.

Through this sharing, a lot of bitter sweet memories came to my mind and through this sharing, I really know that I love him so much though he was not what I want, HE IS WHAT I NEED. I really agreed that God always wanna give us the best. There were a lot of guys came across my path but none of them can compete with Kok Ming. He's really an IDEAL for me. Thank God for giving me this opportunity to remember those memories. These memories make me love him even more despite what had happened before.

Another One

This is Lap Foong and his favorite kid, Kai Wai. He really love him so much that he went back to visit him. He even missed him after he left the work. haha...

Here's another child, though he did not really like her, she liked him so much that she called him very often during session. Even after he left, she still wanted him to guide her. She kept crying for him and she wanted nobody else except him.


This is wan sian and lap foong. They have great communication problem. Hahah... they do not understand each other and they needed me to translate what each of them said at times. Lap Foong and I went badminton every Saturday. If it's not him, my skill would not be able to improve. Really thank for your company through out these few months. I enjoyed playing it without pressure. This is our last shutter cock. Hahaha... Cannot be used anymore la.


This is Shanta and Lap Foong. They are quite closed at work also. We often bullied him. And yes, we do miss his presence in the center because with him there will be nosier because everyone made fun out of him. Haha... He disliked it at times. But can't help, he was the only guy in Canning Garden center.

This was one of the activities in the center where we paint on children's face. Look at them, they had fun too. Our children usually do not like it one. They may yell and kick us when we attempt to do it on them. The girl on the right is Huey Leng. She is Vincent's cousin. And she was another part timer over there too. A fun girl to be with!


This is his farewell gift from me. It's kinda hard for me to think of what to give him. I decided to use guitar picks to form this cross for him and hoping that whenever he sees the cross, he will be able to see God's grace and God's mercy. Also hope that he will remember to go to church and continue to seek God! Before he left, I reminded him again and again to find a church to go to. Reminded him not to start any boy-girl relationship with non- Christian. I guessed he also find me being long winded.

Haha...My dear brother, I hope that you will remember my prayers to God for you. Do remember to find a church to go to and do remember how you were drawn closer to Him and the fear that you had before this. God brought you out from there and keep moving on. You are not walking alone. Take good care and see you around soon ya!

Drifting Apart

Today I read some articles from a Magazine, Focus on the Family. There's this article entitled Drifting Apart. I felt that it's interesting. Here it is:

Karen couldn't pinpoint when she and her husband started to drift apart, but she knew they were heading toward danger. She remembered how she used to anticipate her husband's return home from work. Now his arrival seemed like an intrusion. She used to look forward to talking to him about her day. Now, although they live side by side peacefully, they existed in different worlds.

Brent and Kylee noticed a similar drifting. They knew their relationship wasn't what they wanted it to be, but they were juggling jobs, kids and church ministry. For the sake of efficiency, they had learned early in marriage to divide and conquer. But that meant household and parenting responsibilities were divided between them, always taking them in different directions. They gradually became less involved in each other's interest and activities. Even on their date nights, they had no energy left to invest in their relationship.

When couples start out together, their marriage is usually their primary focus, but then kids, jobs and household chores begin to compete for their attention. All these distractions pull them from the helm of their marriage, and they drift away from each other. The drift can be so subtle that by the time the couple realize what's happening, they are already miles apart.

The subtle effects on marital drift can make couples susceptible to infidelity. For both Karen and Kylee, the distance ultimately led to extramarital affairs. But even among couples who remain faithful, gradual drift steals the harmony of marriage.

All of us experience some drifting at times. The key is to recognize when this begin to happen and to take action. Here are some ways to close the distance:
Don't view drift as inevitable. Couples often think they have to put their marriages on the back burner because of the busyness of their particular season of life. But the truth is, you cannot afford to put your marriage on hold. It' s twice as hard to rebuild a neglected relationship than to keep it strong in the first place. Carefully nurture your relationship- in every season of life.

Make time. When you see your marriage suffering, ruthlessly cut back on other commitments to give your marriage the dedication it needs. The obligatory date night is not enough if you are too tired from your hectic schedules to make it meaningful time together.

Overlap your lives. Creatively find ways to be part of your spouse's world as much as you can. Meet for lunch, accompany your spouse on an errand, read a book together or play tennis. Remember the great lengths you went to in order to be together when you were dating; find ways to do that again.

Understand differences. Not appreciating the differences between men and women in general and between you and your spouse in particular can lead to drift. Something that doesn't feel important to you may be critical to your spouse and, thus, to your marriage.

End negative cycles. If you sense that something, no matter how small, is not quite right in your relationship, dont wait until it becomes a big problem before you talk about it. You might just say," Honey, are you feeling frustrated with me? I just don't feel as though we are relating very well." Sometimes a comment like this will root out small resentments that your spouse wasn't consciously aware of.

Focus on fixing yourself. It is easy to find faults in your mate and play the "if only" game. But this feeds discontentment, self- righteousness and unforgiveness. Determine to be the best husband or wife ou can be, regardless of your spouse's faults. Many times you will find that this attitude is contagious and nothing is better for getting a marriage back on course than two committed spouses working to be the best they can be.


-by Dr. Bill Maier and Mitch Temple

No Exceptional

This thing happened long ago. I felt sorry about this for so long. I once forgot about it and after a chat with a friend, it occurred to me again. I carelessly think that people who are successful do not need my care and concern. And I feel that my care and concern will not be good enough for them. So I did not show much care and concern to that friend. I really feel that this friend is too "high end".

After one day and after a conversation, I finally realized that this friend is also a human. This friend needs care and concern. I tried many times to show my gratitudes since few years back, but I couldn't find anything that it's suitable. Sigh... I really think that if i can change a bit, this friend will be more joyful! It's good to feel appreciated. HUMAN needs love. No exceptional, I must remember that.

I cant imagine how can i fail in this. No common sense!

Gone Astray

Lately, this thought kept coming to me saying,the whole earth is getting worse and worse and to worst soon. Everything in the world is changing to the negative side. I recalled back a lot of things from my work place to the weather.

Last time when I was still a part timer, I found that everyone is good and everything really ran smoothly without much problem. After Kok Ming and friends left, many things seemed to happen. People changed and challenges kept coming my way. But these challenges changed me to be better, braver and wiser.

About my relationship with Kok Ming, I feel that we are near yet we are far. Hmmm... Last time when he was studying I think he has more time to be romantic. But after working, he is even busier, not only with his job but with church work. He often got very tired and my work load is much more than before also. We both go out with tiredness and this contributed to our arguments. I prayed that God will send him to the right ministry before and I think God answered this prayer. Well, still I hope more quality time together. Well, I do not think that we are getting worse. At least we settled issues and we compromised. Thanks to Wan Li. She has been supporting me and guiding me.

Weather-- When I was young, I found that the weather was quite predictable. We can roughly know which month will rain and which month will be sunny. Disaster every where as well and these are the signs of the second coming of Christ. Hmm...I cannot imagine myself as one of the victims in China or Myanmar. I am very afraid of losing loved ones.

Marriages- Nowadays people take Divorce as a solution and more and more people think that that's the best way to settle issues. God provides us good things and everything God created is good. We are making things complicated and we want the easy way out and start hurting people we once loved and what about the children? They grow up in single parent family. They are made incomplete emotionally. That's how we have more and more problem nowadays i guess.

All we like sheep have gone astray
Each of us turning our own separate ways
We have all sinned and fallen short of Your glory
But Your glory is what we desire to see
And in Your presence is where we long to be

O Lord
Show us Your mercy and grace
Take us to Your holy place
Forgive our sin
And heal our land
We long to live
In Your presence once again


Yes Lord, forgive our sins and heal our land. Take us back to Your holy place where you first created. A place where there is love, joy and peace and a place that is HOLY and full of Your glory. Father, help us not to take You for granted, help us learn to be responsible of what we have done. Help us truly repent and come to You again to be made Holy and righteous! Amen.

I have not been online for almost a week. Hmm... All because I've not been well. I started to feel unwell since 7th June. It was a week ago. I was having fever on and off. I was feeling very tired and very sleepy though I slept early. I was feeling dizzy all time. Haha... I even fell down when I was running with a kid. I slipped. Luckily I did not hurt my leg or my back. Just being laughed for a moment. Haha... My sis laughed like mad, she did not even help me up. What the...!

Hmm... I hope to get well soon especially the tiredness that I'm having. Kok Ming always says I'm like an old lady, pain here, pain there and I agree also. I'm well known of falling sick also. Friends always ask me, " How are you? Still sick ah?" Then they laugh. Haha...

Last few years I'd been sick often, one of my colleagues bought me Vitamin C. Haha... And lately, another colleague bought me 2 packets of Salonpas, plaster for backache and stiff shoulders etc. Haha... One of my students parents bought me one big patch also with Chili extracts some more. Haha... It is that obvious that almost everyone knows about it.

However, I'm so thankful for these caring people and especially Kok Ming. He is the one who provides me a lot of medical needs and help my mum watch over me. I some times make my mum very worried I know. She makes herbal tea for me and I don't like it. She makes juice for me and some times I feel very reluctant to take it. She can mix this and mix that until I freak out. But she knows me now, she will make the simplest for me and put it together with my lunch box. I've such a great mum.

Finally!

Finally I'd done what I tried to do and I had peace during that worship in fact. Just after that I was not happy with myself. This is my problem all this while. Well, I bet God had made it a successful one. Yes, He did!

So, Let Everything that Has Breathe, Praise The Lord! Unceasingly!

Clarification

Somebody said that I am disorganized again. Pastor Edmund's part or my part, yeah well, he triggered me to flash back my childhood and my focus is how a childhood can affect the rest of a person's life.

And secondly I'm not self pitying here. I am really not trying to pity myself. If I ever want to I'd already shared with people around me. And i guess, many people do not know all this. I wanted to write just for the sake of writing. In fact, I do not really feel comfortable with some people who are reading my blog.

My objective for this blog after I put the link on the tag of MSN was to test myself. I wanna test myself how personal can I share here. At first only 1 or 2 persons were reading this and then soon I found out many more. I was liKe..Sigh...felt very burden to write also. From all my posts I guess this is the most personal one. I do not hope for pity. And I did not expect anything from anybody. AND I do not have any intention of writing this. Please people, do not think like that. This is going to be discouraging.

I am also trying to reach out to others. Sharing a bit of Him here whenever I can. It's about my life, my life with Christ.

And I am not passive over my past anymore. I want to change and I am very sure that God will use what I had experienced to help others. Just that I'm still on my way to be better. I am not self pitying. I just want to agree with Edmund Smith that God can move mountains. Edmund Smith is now married with 2 kids. Frankly, before I know this man, I would think that there' no cure for Homosexuality. I even forgot that God can if they allow God to intervene. And now God is using him to counsel other gays or ex-gays. How amazing? How marvelous? It's God's grace indeed that we can come out of our shells. It's God's grace that we are still standing, though we were suicidal. Frankly, we are living by the grace of God. I use "we" because, dwelling in the past is a sin as well, and I am trying to come out of it and by the grace of God, I did it. Well, not totally yet. Still on the way. I'm ex- past ( Just crapping).

The funniest thing is, those who read already, told me that that post made them appreciate their childhood which they thought it was bad. Thanks guys for sharing your thoughts with me after reading it! Continue your faith in God. Do not give up trusting God. I'm sad to see that! I didn't give up and God protected me even when He was still a stranger to me. If not I would have entered mental illness center or maybe I maybe in great depression that I can't come out of it. Press on! I will too!

Femininity

I really, really enjoyed Pastor Edmund's session with us today. Umm... he is an ex-gay, as in, last time he was a homosexual. Hmm... He is a mix, his father is a White and his mother is a Malaysian. His childhood was bad. As he was sharing, my mind was provoked. His sharing brought me back to my childhood as well and all the info that I'd been receiving from different people, info about marriage or the opposite gender and at the same time I was receiving bad treatment from females.

Those info were from my parents' example, and from one of my female tutor. She educated us, gals to be independent and not to depend on men. She added that men are not reliable etc. She was feeding us with all the negatives side of it. So I do not really have confidence in marriage. I gotta overcome it. And I realized I have a lot of things to overcome. Sigh...

Oh well, yeah, I can't deny that I was a confused child and even right now I can be very confused with a lot of things especially when there is an argument going on. Hmm... I am not sad to be brought back to my past though. How should I organize my thoughts? I'm famous with disorganize in my work place when comes to sharing thoughts etc.

When I was young, my dad said this very often," I hate you the most! I dislike you!" He rejected me many, many, many times. I couldn't forget this. Last time, whenever I remembered what he said, I wept, silently in my room alone! Nobody knew that what he said hurt me very deeply. I started to build a wall inside my heart. I was only 6- 7 years old. I didn't know what to do but to pretend to be strong. Nobody ever praised me and nobody ever appreciated my presence. Oh well, God is always good though he was still a stranger to me that time. He sent me loving teachers who protected me in the kindergarten. I attended Sunday school too but those memories were too blur. I can only remember that I performed and I only remembered I refused to put on lipstick. (Heh!)

Since then, I didn't have any close relationship with my dad and though he said he hated me, he still provided me things that I needed and wanted. Most of the time, I tried not to depend on him. Any problem, I tried to settle by myself and I depended a lot on other people and myself. He favored my elder sister very much. And at the same time, my sister jealous over my height, that was when I was standard 2. So she started doing a lot of "stupid" stuff to trap me to be scolded and tp be beaten up. She hid my parents ICs and licenses, lit fire and put under the cupboard, hid our piggy banks, hid my books during exams, tore my books into small pieces when exam was near, forced me to do house work, when I refused, she burnt my hand with matches or bang my head to the wall, threatened me etc. All that she'd done, she accused me in front of my parents. They trusted her so much. Nobody cared what I had to say.

Last time, I used to wet my bed until standard four (according to my counselor, that was a sign of insecurity in a child). So, one day, I am not sure what really happened but I think I didn't follow her way, that was in the morning, she urinated on the floor and then called my mum saying that I did that because I was lazy to go toilet. (at that time, everyone thought that I was lazy to get up from bed to go toilet). After hearing from my sister, she was very angry. She wanted to teach me a lesson, she forced my head down to the urine asking me to drink. Yeah, my heart was broken once again.

I hate CNY, I really hate CNY, my mum will complain to her sisters and brothers, even in laws what I had done which I didn't. All my relatives pointed their fingers at me advising me to be good! And they even looked down on me. I hate those eyes! I hate the way they looked at me. Not only my relatives, these things happened too often that my mum had no choice but to tell my teacher in school. I still remembered that incident. My sister stole my mum's money, about Rm 100. During my time, Rm100 was really big! I don't know how my sister spent those money. My mum brought this issue to my school. My teacher, my mum, myself and all my classmates were in the class. My teacher asked me whether I had stolen mum's money. At first I kept quiet and shook my head. After she asked a few times in front of everybody, I forced myself to admit it with tears in my eyes. Then my teacher continued asking where did i spend those money. Guess what I did? I made up stories. Sigh... That was tough! I gotta pretend that I was fine, continued to pay attention in the class.

Nobody knew that my heart was bleeding!

At the same time, my parents quarreled very often and my mum wanted to leave us. I still remembered how I tried to hide the house keys. And I witnessed how my dad beat my mum! I didn't have peace at home. I was a Buddhist because my parents are. So I started to pray, I prayed to Guan Yin. I asked him to take away half of my life to restore my parents' relationship. I cried every night and praying the same prayer over and over again. Their quarreled lasted until I finished Form 5. On and off they still fight! With all these, I stopped talking to them. I seldom talked, even when they asked me questions and my dad said I must be dumb. I just couldn't talk. I didn't really talk in school but I had pen pals and my nickname was Black-shirt Angel. I wore black most of the time too.

At the same time as well, I was often rejected by girls since Kindergarten. Until now I still do not know why. Since Kindergarten until secondary school. These things never stop happening. I was hurt over and over again. I tried to survive. I was not happy at all. I needed friends, so i started mixing with boys. I still remembered I started mixing with boys in kindergarten, a Malay boy and a Chinese boy whom the class hated. I mixed with them. I didn't know for what reason they hated them too.

I wanted a brother very much and I believed that if I ever have a brother, all these will not happen. Well, until now I still prefer mixing around with guys. I'm too afraid. My own sister treated me like that, one of my female teachers hated me, my girl friends rejected me and my aunts looked down on me. I do not and never have any confidence in gals. I was traumatized. I'm trying my very best already now! This really makes me tired. I am still very afraid.

yeah, come back to Pastor Edmund, he mentioned something about Hemophilic, which means we love our same gender friends very much that we can hold hands and hug each other which this usually happens in girls. Frankly, I don't have this kinda feeling, I don't have any girl friends that I can do this.

He also mentioned something about Self issue which I had and still have. When I was still young, I started a relationship with Kok Ming, and during that time, I still remember, I like buying guys stuff, i used to wear very loose clothings and I used to wear guys' Bermudas. I still remember how he stopped me from buying. And lately, there were 2 weddings, Peter's and Anne's. Well, usually people will dress very nicely to weddings and I often struggled. I struggled because I'm very afraid to dress up. Partly because I'm afraid of people looking at me, that's why I seldom wear Spaghetti straps tops. Partly also because i felt that it's too feminine.

When I reached church I was actually trying to hide behind Kok Ming. I just couldn't accept myself and so regretted to wear dress. And I felt that I looked weird. Kok Ming didn't praise me also, all that he will say is "Ok ah", "nothing's wrong" etc. I didn't get any firm assurance from him so I really dared not think that I looked good. After the wedding, we went Jusco for dinner, I was like," Huh, wear dress to Jusco?!" I started nagging and one comment from Kok Ming really struck me. he said," Ask you to do something more feminine also cannot!" Then he sighed. haha...

During the second wedding dinner, I was still fearful! Argh... I can't accept myself to be like that. How? Well, do not worry, I won't go into transgender/ transexual/ homosexual. It was all because of what had happened before what I am now! I'm still trying to come out of it. I'm really trying hard. I love today's sermon and the sharing. It was so refreshing and God can do mighty things that always amazes us. And I believe, I will be able to come out of it also. I need support though!

A Tribute

This is obviously Cikgu Jervin/ Cikgu Abang. That's how some of the kids called him. Hehe...
He was the rose among the thorns because he was the only guy at the center (Pengkalan center). Kids loved him so much, boys and gals. Well, especially gals! He loved 2 gals most too. One is Hui Yin and the other is Jing Joey. And all of us love him very much too.

This is our overall schedule for the sessions. We have our pictures there to help the students know which teacher in charge of the activities. My sister and Jervin will always paired with a senior teacher. 3 senior teachers and all of us rotate. So they will pair with different teachers every two weeks. I'm gonna miss his presence so much :)

He was my support through out the 5 months. Especially when came to my sister's problem for the past months. We even tried to break the chain of the teachers in both centers and we had great fun! haha... At least I had fun! Hmm...



This was his seat. He had been sitting there for 5 months and always in the morning, he came into the office silently. Many times I did not even notice he arrived. And always after I realized I'll smile to him and he will burst out laughing many times or he would give me a smile in return with one kind of look. I do not understand why. Maybe he felt that I was tricking him.





Hmmm... Yeah my sis sat next to him and some times they did not talk to each other whole day and some times they talked non- stop and laughed like mad. And very often I turned to their table and chatted with them. Their table is always messy. Look what my sis was doing? Curi tulang! But actually she was peeping. Oh yes, Jervin always stared at the files. He said he was imagining how to teach the particular child. Haha... He can look at the file for 10 minutes then walked out to the hall, then looked into the file again. haha... My sis will always sing out loud. Not sure if Jervin felt annoyed at times.


Friday was his last day serving the kids. He went outside to take pictures of the theme wall and the surroundings. Haha... There he was standing near the hall shooting some pictures of the theme wall. hmm... he's gonna miss the center I bet. And the kids and US of course! He did not know that I took this picture I guess as he admitted that he is not observant. Hahaha...





Then he came back in giving me one kinda look again. Haha... Aiya, should have taken one when he was in the toilet. Haha... He was very annoyed whenever I said that. When he was in the toilet, we can actually see his head because the window of the Gents is low. He was wondering why I was holding up my phone. I did not give him any respond and he looked behind to see what I was capturing. haha... Silly!
I know, he gave me that kind of look was because of the past experiences. Haha... You'll see why!



After he left, his chair will be empty. Hmm... So sad to see and to know that! Hey, thanks for coming back on Thursday and Friday! You spiced up my birthday surprised!






This is what I had made for him. This was planned since March or maybe February. I did not know how I came out with this idea. But I was quite sure that he will love this gift! So I started shooting his pictures whenever I've a chance to. He was annoyed by me because I did not tell him the reason. I even asked Lap Foong to help me with this but he discovered every time. I even shot from the rear mirror of my car if you can noticed. His car was behind mine. He noticed too when I did that. haha... Quite observant though. Whenever he asked me the reason I'll tell him that I need those to make an advertisement which is a very important thing. Haha... Then he showed me an annoyed face again. At the lower corner on the right was a teaching aid, it's called Uncle Bobby. They, as in my sis and Jervin used blue tag to made some disgusting stuff on it's face. Hahaha...



This was the first time he washed his own dishes in the center. Why? I was actually not sure because from the first time he brought his lunch with those containers I already asked him why not wash here. He said he'll bring it back to wash. Then I asked if he's using Diamond Energy Water at home to wash things, he said no. And finally, last month when Michelle asked he said mum washed for him and Michelle teased him and maybe he felt guilty of making his mum work, he washed it by HIMSELF in the center. And I captured this. He was shocked and blur!
Look at him, so funny! haha...His friends laughed at this picture!





This was when he was doing Language. Great experience huh? I hate this most. Not my area! Gotta present different stories or language kinda thing in front of the mums. And many times the class will be very noisy. And your voice will go rough after language time. You gotta sing louder, above the noise. Talking about singing, Jervin and I often couldn't find harmony in our singing. When I sang, he gotta sing higher key. When he did that, his voice sounded like a gal. And when he sang, I gotta sing higher til I couldn't reach. Argh! but at the end of the day, we finally made it! God is great!



The time was near, we started taking pictures with each other. All these are precious moments! We truly treasure the time that we spent together. And soon my sister will leave! SAD! Notice or not, Jervin always wears white. He actually always wore red, white and black to work. haha... His favorite colours, says he.


My sister captured this. haha... Hey, brother, you are getting thinner and thinner. Sigh... So sad to see you like that. Eat the right portion ok? 3 Hashbrowns for lunch? Man, it definitely wont be enough for you. Not even enough for me! Hmm... Maggi mee twice a week? Hmmm... And you ate 2 packets of maggi mee and 1 packet of Nasi Lemak that day! When I was looking at how you ate, I wanted to vomit. And that day we had cakes and other food before lunch 'coz of the teacher's day celebration! And during lunch you took cakes as well and evening, cakes again! And night cake again! Take care of yourself ya! Your body is the temple of God oh! I know I sounded like a hypocrite! I'm trying to take care of mine. heh!





I'm being UNCV here. UNCV is our abbreviation for UNCIVILIZED. haha... His IC. My sis captured this not me! Look for her if anything ok? I'm not that free OK?








This was his last project. It was for Kenny! Hmm...Our difficult case! Sigh!
Look at him, he was so stressed out! Man, without you guys on Wednesday, it's gonna be very quiet!










Jervin at work! Very focus and serious unless I disturb him. hahaha... Celine also stressed out looking at his project! haha...





This is a post for you. Thank you for being such a supportive and caring brother in Christ and a very obedient and patient colleague. Thank you for sharing some of my burdens. Haha... I learned a lot from you too. Like the way you shared during our devotion. Your bilingual sharing was really good! Just that you may need to add something about yourself then it will be perfect! haha... Ah... we called you pastor Jervin huh? haha...and you did not like it!

Hey, you spiced up the lives of the kids and you provided them the love that was and is from the bottom of your heart. I can see that you enjoyed them as well. Hope you gain much from this exposure! We are really living by the grace of God that we are physically and mentally complete. We are made for a reason and the kids too. Without them, the parents would not have a chance to have contact with our dear God!

Cheer up! May our presence be a blessing to everyone around us. Keep shining! AND keep trying! I saw your effort and you are doing great! Keep it up! And I wanna leave with you 2 verses that are 1 Corinthians 10:13 and John 16:33. JIA YOU! Praying for you!

My sis planned a birthday surprised for me today :) She requested my dad to send her to order a cake. Then she also invited Lap Foong and Jervin for the surprised. Lap Foong went to take the cake. Hahaha...I'm surprised that he knew his way! ( You know your sense of direction la!)
I was doing Gross Motor (P.E.) that time and I didn't really notice Lap Foong came and I didn't really notice my sis went in. I was focusing on teaching my kids to throw Frisbee!



When time was up, we gathered the children and we went back in to the kitchen. Once I went back in I saw my sister lifting a cake and said," Nah, Happy Birthday to you!" My kids all got very excited whilst I was still blur. I was confused because today is not my birthday. Friday only is my birthday so I nearly wanted to ask who gave another cake for Teacher's Day. haha... Then I went in to the hall wanted to hide. Really shy to have this surprised.

The children were really excited! Hahaha...after my colleague gathered them, they sang birthday song to me. Haha...so glad to hear my kids sang it to me. haha... Usually they will get their snacks but today most of them just sat around the table waiting for the cake to be cut. They behaved so well! Haha...

This is the first time I celebrated my birthday with the kids. Thanks to my sister! It's indeed an unforgettable one! Hmm... They took pictures and video too. Look at me, I looked like an "aw ba sang". Hahaha... It was so hot today!




We had two cakes today. One was from the parents, they celebrated teacher's day with us. The other one is my cake. hehe... For me, May is a very happening month to me because there are a lot of celebrations like Mother's Day, teacher's day and my birthday =) And Labor day too. I'm a labor. haha...

Tomorrow mum is gonna give me a feast :) Actually I'm more happy about my mum's effort :) hehe... Looking forward for tomorrow's dishes. My favorites :) I've a video here. Guess who off the lights? I shy so I went in to the hall then they followed me. And it was a kid who off the lights--It's Alicia! Haha...


Father in Heaven, indeed You are the most loving and gracious God. Thank you for sustaining me until this day that I am able to come before You at this moment to offer up my thanksgiving to You. Father, thank you for giving me a family and friends who care about me and who love me! Father, I pray that You will always keep them safe and help them through in whatever circumstances. May You continue to use me as an instrument to reach out to people and always be glad to serve others. Amen!




Still have 2 more videos on the way if I'm not mistaken... This was when I went in to the hall. Then saw Alicia switching off the ligts. haha...Alicia is so cute! You guys hired her to be part of the thing? Haha! Hmm...Thank you guys for this! I had a great time today!

Thanks!

Hi, to you guys who have been concerning over me. I finally let go of the issue. Forgiveness done and thanksgiving offered up. Thank God for you guys who have been praying for me. I'll press on, do not worry.

God is always there and He will keep His promise. He will not let me be tempted beyond what I can bear, He will always provide a way out. Without this I will not be able to grow wiser and to find joy and importance of sharing with others. Everything happens for a reason. Hoping to see more great things to happen soon.

Pray that I'll be able to overcome my fears and continue serving God in the way that He wants me to serve. This experience surely will not be wasted because God may want me to use it to minister to others in future. Who knows? Just like how others had ministered to me with there own experiences. Thanks once again! Thanks for the encouragements and advices as well!

I understand how tired it is to fight against our natural inclination. I understand totally. We lose control on and off. It can be our temper, our words, our reaction and our responds. I understand totally. I am struggling not to fight for my right which I think I deserve. When I fail, it doesn't mean that I do not understand.

Whatever I do, whatever I say, I try to understand others' feelings, try to understand their situation. Being a self conscious person, I find myself guilty when I fail to do that. I find myself guilty after scolding people. I find myself guilty when things do not turn out well. I admit at times I really do give in to my selfishness. I have been trying not to! I did not demand much, I just need support and understanding of my flaws. I just need very very basic stuff. Even if i gotta live in poverty, I think with those basic stuff, I'll feel contented. I really understand, I really tried and still trying.

Dear Anonymous,
Your comment made me cry again. I gotta re- read my post. I think I did not mean that you guys did not include me. It's not others' problem. I did not blame anyone but myself. There's some other problems arose in my life at the moment. Do not worry. It's not anyone's problem. I don't feel belong is 'coz of myself. I often get myself lost in the crowd. I'm very very afraid. Lately more that afraid.

Maybe this can explain:
"This is a story of two battles, a battle to keep out "the world" and a battle to join it. It tells of the battles within my own world and the battle lines, tactics used, and casualties of my private war against others.

This is my attempt at a truce, the conditions of which are on my terms. I have, through out my private war, been a she, a you, a Donna, a me, and finally, an I. All of us will tell it like it was and like it is.

If you sense distance, you're not mistaken; it's real. Welcome to my world." -Donna William

This is her note of her book called Nobody, Nowhere. Does this make you understand more? Or make you even confused? I'm in such situation or I should say I've been in such situation.

Anyway, hope you do not misunderstand my post and yeah, thanks for your affirmation.

Holy Is The Lord

Dedicating this song especially to the whole of EY, Myanmar and China, praying that everyone will join in one accord and may God's holiness and righteousness be seen in the world. And hoping that all men will confess and give their(our) all to God and God alone. May we make this a prayer for the nations, so that the nations will join their hearts together, singing praises to the King of all kings, proclaiming in one voice:

HOLY IS THE LORD
I can see the angels gathering
'round the throne to bring an offering
Of praise to the king of all kings
It's Jesus

I can hear their voices singing loud
Bringing anthems in a glorious cloud
Of praise to the king of all kings
It's Jesus

Nations will join and men confess
Declaring your holy righteousness
Giving their hearts, their lives, their all
To the king of glory

Mountains declare and oceans roar
All of creation stands in awe
Join with them now in one accord
Holy is the lord

All of the angels stand and sing
The anthem of heaven loudly rings
Hear them proclaim this offering
Holy is the lord

Holy is the lord
Holy is the lord