One Way

Intro: gm# / gm# / f# / f# / e / e /
B
I lay my life down at your feet
Gm#
You're the only one I need
F# e
I turn to you and you were always there
B
In trouble time is you I seek
Gm#
I put you first thats all i'll need
F# e
I humble all I am, all to you

B
You are always always there
Gm#
Every how and everywhere
F# e
Your grace abounds so deeply within me
B
You will never ever change
Gm#
Yesterday today the same
F# e
Forever'til forever meets no end

B f# gm# e
One way Jesus, you're the only one that I could live for
B f# gm# a gm#/ e / gm#/ e
One way,Jesus,you're the only that I could live for

B f#
You are the way the truth and the life
Gm# e gm#
We live by faith and not by sight, for you
F# e (end b)
We're living all for you




*Aunt Maria said I have a good name. She said God gave me this name for a purpose. Except Shan, they all call me One Way! Hahaha...yeah, I'm quite proud of my name. The first people who gave me this name was Clarence and Vincent they all. That happened when we were still with the OA team.

Haha...Vincent always sang this song in the center. He influenced my sister as well. That day after work, once my sister got down from the car, she sang it. *crazy* =P

He is in my Mind, I'll never Forget !

This morning after the first 2 songs, uncle Jerry, for the first time after 6 years in church, he came up to give thanks to the Lord for the blessings that he had received. Hmmm...He prayed for his wife, his children and he said "not forgetting Alan". Yeah, I've been thinking of him lately. Every year I'll think of him, some how.

People maybe wondering how i got to know him. Yeah, definitely not from church. I was not a Christian yet. We got to know each other through a Chinese Society Gathering. He was one of the members or one of the committee members, I'm not really sure. It was held at his school. Hmm... I still remember they sang a Chinese song for us, as in the guests. After some games, they started the Autograph thing. That was the most frightening session for me. WHY? I know it's stupid but i was really frightened. It was a bit dramatic as well. READ ON>>>

I was surrounded by guys, many, many guys. I went with friends and they left me alone i am not sure why (during the autograph session), maybe they were busy writing autographs. The guys wanted my names and contact. However, i did not give 'coz i was lazy to write. I just penned down my name and wishes.

After that i remember, there was another guy came to me for the same thing. I do not know how i left with him my contact number and address. May be he specifically asked for it. And... that was Alan Tan Kien Leong!

I still remember Chinese New Year was around the corner, I was helping my mum to get things done. And at 12 midnight sharp, my house phone rang. I was very young then. People always frightened me with all the ghost stories. That was why i did not dare to answer the call. So i asked my mum to answer it. AND...who knows...

IT WAS FOR ME!

I was puzzled! With the frown, i really wondered who would call me at this hour. It was 00:00 sharp!

It was Alan! I'm not sure of the reason he called me. All I knew was we became friends. On and off he will call me after that first call. BUT, there was a few months he did not call me which i felt some thing was not right. I tried calling him b'coz i was worried. Then, i got to know he was in Australia. After he came back, he called me. AND THAT WAS THE LAST CALL.

I read from newspaper that this guy met with an accident, died on the spot. I saw his photo. But i was not very sure if it was him because we met once only. That time i started my part time job. And Celine was from his church. She mentioned to me about his death. I did not know it was him. After the second day i finally confirmed, it was HIM!!! I grieved for some time. I started joining the Sunday School trip to the zoo. Since then, i started going to church.

His death brought me to church indirectly. I'll never forget him. He was the most unique friend of mine!!! yeah, uncle Jerry, I'm sure he is very joyful in heaven now! I'm sure!!! We will see him there, sure we will!

Is this TRUE about me?

I am....
The Introvert , The Thinker , The Pessimist
( is this true?)

The Melancholy's Emotions
Strengths
* Deep and thoughtfully
* Analytical
* Serious and purposeful
* Genius prone
* Talented and creative
* Artistic or musical
* Philosophical and poetic
* appreciative of beauty
* Sensitive to others
* Self-sacrificing
* Conscientious
* Idealistic

Weaknesses
* Remembers the negatives
* Moody and depressed
* Enjoys being hurt
* Has false humility
* Off in another world
* Low self-image
* Has selective hearing
* Self-centered
* Too introspective
* Guilt feelings
* Persecution complex
* Tends to hypochondria

The Melancholy At Work
Strengths
* Schedule oriented
* Perfectionist, high standards
* Detail conscious
* Persistent and thorough
* Orderly and organized
* Neat and tidy
* Economical
* Sees the problems
* Finds creative solutions
* Needs to finish what he starts
* Likes charts, graphs, figures, lists

Weaknesses
* Not people oriented
* depressed over imperfections
* Chooses difficult work
* Hesitant to start projects
* Spends to much time planning
* Prefers analysis to work
* Self-deprecating
* Hard to please
* Standards often to high
* Deep need for approval


The Melancholy As A Parent
Strengths
* Sets high standards
* Wants everything done right
* Keeps home in good order
* Picks up after children
* Sacrifices own will for others
* Encourages scholarship and talent

Weaknesses
* Puts goals beyond reach
* May discourage children
* May be too meticulous
* Becomes martyr
* Sulks over disagreements
* Puts guilt upon children

The Melancholy As a Friend
Strengths
* Makes friends cautiously
* Content to stay in background
* Avoids causing attention
* Faithful and devoted
* Will listen to complaints
* Can solve other's problems
* Deep concern for other people
* Moved to tears with compassion
* Seeks ideal mate

Weaknesses
* Lives through others
* Insecure socially
* Withdrawn and remote
* critical of others
* Holds back affections
* Dislikes those in opposition
* Suspicious of people
* Antagonistic and vengeful
* Unforgiving
* Full of contradictions
* Skeptical of compliments


Am i what the test says? Hmmm...

The Wedding

This is the newly wed couple. Kok Ming's sister and his new brother- in- law. Hmmm... so...i was the bride's maid.







They are Kok Ming's eldest brother and his girl friend.








They are Kok Ming's second brother and sister- in- law. I admire both of them because they are very appreciative and very humble. They always offer help to the family. They are kind and friendly! Steven boy's parents :)








Here we are. Em..We seldom take photos together. We are a bit "Kayu"!







This is his youngest brother and his girl friend. They are still studying :)








These photos are blur because i took from the photo album. I hope that photographer did give a disk to his parents. Then i can keep it for myself. Hmmm... Each couple of the family were required to take a shot. His dad's request. There are more but i only took a few.





The one on the right is Steven and the one on the left is Karen. Hmmm...They are so cute. The girl is boyish and the boy is girlish. hahaha...i really think so.




Hmmm...i like to take care of baby. That day Steven's mum left him with me. They went to the groom's house so left us at home. I played with him, made him milk and water and changed clothes etc. I really enjoyed it. Wan Keen has grown up, i long time did not have this chance to do this. However, when i thought of bringing up children which will take me 24 years at least, i freak out!

I'm so happy to meet them AGAIN !

We departed 3 years ago. We were coursemates and we were group mates. Today they came to Ipoh to help their home kids to find college. Hmmm...That's why Shan called me. Hahaha...He called to ask for the direction to the airport. Guess he does not know that I always "sesat" even in Ipoh itself. I don't know the exact location. Hahaha...

Huh, this reminded me of the yellow tag saying,"Don't follow me, i'm lost too!" Vincent, you still have not got it for me wor. (j/k)


There were 6 of them. Aunt Maria, Uncle Edmund, Uncle Bala, Shan...and a few home kids, 2 gals and 2 guys. By the way, they are from Kulim and they are the person in charged of Sunshine Home- a home for children with broken families.

I met up with them at Ipoh Parade food court. At first i sat with Aunt Maria, uncle Ed, uncle Bala and his son. However i was shooed off to another table where Shan and another boy were sitting. I chatted with Shan. We asked about each other's life and updating each other. The other guy who was sitting with us was very shy. He looked at me but when i looked back at him he turned away and laughed. When i smiled to him he laughed again. hahaha...He was really cute. So i kept disturbing him. He kept laughing. He is only 17 years old. Next year he will be going to KDU to study.

After chatting for almost 1 hour. They were ready to leave. We parked our car at the same level. Some of them wanted to go wash room so the others waited outside. While i was waiting with them, some of the people at the food court gave me strange stares. I know what they were thinking. They wondered why a Chinese gal was in the Indian group. Oh ya, by the way, they are all Indians. Hahaha...When i visited them in Kulim, I got the same kinda stares 3 years ago. I already used to it. I love their company. I like to be friend with them.

I'm so happy to meet them after 3 years. i want to make a trip there to visit them. They are Christians too. I went to their church last time. A Tamil church, right! I was very outstanding of course, i was the only Chinese there! Was i afraid? Not at all! We are from the same family though our skin colour is different.

Shan is a very committed worker at the Home. He is the driver, the tutor, the counsellor, and the admin stuff. He stays with the teenagers and the kids there. His home is in Sungai Petani. He is only 2 years older than me. He does not really have salary. Hopefully their lives will get better after registered as an NGO. I really admire his commitment and the heart for the work. How many young people will be able to do this?!

They said they are planning a trip to somewhere to have a break next year. Aunt Maria said she will count me in. Yeah, i wanna join their outing! I wanna fellowship with them! Frankly, i love them!

I treasure them..Aunt Maria and uncle Ed are not young anymore. I really pray that they will stay well! I'll keep them in my prayer. I know for sure, Shan will not be able to take it if there's anything happen to them. Pray for Shan's family as well. They still have not found the Lord. Pray that through Shan's testimony, they will come to the Lord.

Guys, see y'all next year!

About selfishness

hmm...I was quite depressed last night. There were many factors. The night before i was quite depressed also. The more people i meet, the more i feel disappointed with myself. Hmmm... Weird>> maybe...

I do not want to talk about that matter now.

When we talk about selfishness, it usually refers to people who only care for themselves. People who are not generous. People who are calculative etc.. However, it's not only those that were mentioned above.

Last time, i thought i'm a very generous and other-centered person.

I do not mind spending on people. I do not mind giving my time to people. I do not mind giving help to people even in the middle of the night. I do not mind really. But all these do not mean that I'm not selfish.

My counselor told me that I'm very selfish because i kept thinking that i cannot do this and that, i cannot accept this and that, i do not want this and that to happen to this or that person, I am not good etc.. I am selfish in short.

I couldn't help but to accept the fact. I need to continue to change my heart and mind. With all the experiences that i had, i can see how God is molding me. With all the tests, I can see that he wants me to love as how he Loves. He wants me to practice it instead of being NATO (No Action, Talk Only). He loved those who persecuted Him, he forgave them and still giving them chance to come back to HIM.

Do not really understand what I'm talking about right? Sigh...It's all about my mind kept playing the tape saying,"I cannnnt do it! I'm useless!"

I know in many ways God is speaking to me. In fact i can hear and I'm shivering over what He may ask me to do. Sigh...

Frankly, i do not want him to speak louder. I'm very afraid to experience that once again! Remember my previous post? God spoke so loud to me. "DON'T QUIT!" Scary oh! I can't forget that! Haiz...

No Gentlemen on Earth?

Oh man, I'm so glad it's a brand new day today. Yesterday was a super bad day for me. I had planned to bring Wankeen for movie yesterday afternoon at 3.20p.m. at TGV. But my car broke down once i reached Jusco. The engine shut down by itself when i reached the hump near the wet market. I was blasted by people's horns. I came down from my car. I tried to push it but I was too weak. I went back in.

Then a Malay man came and yelled at me. He asked me to get down to push my car. He helped. But hey, dude, who is gonna control the steering wheel and the hand brake?! Frankly, i appreciated his help but he was dumb. Sorry to say that. I was already confused. He yelled at me and was trying to show how clever he was. Well, he failed. My car nearly hit the fence.

After that a Chinese guy came. He said my car was still blocking people. So he asked me to push it again. Fine, i'll push! He was standing there sucking his cigarette. "Oh wow, what an excellent job you've done dude!" Again, nobody helped me control the steering wheel and hand brake. My car knocked the trolley which was in front of my car. Sigh...

Where are all the gentlemen? I was really frustrated. Wankeen started making noise because she couldn't go for movie. My car was stuck in the middle. I couldn't leave my car to get help because Wankeen was there. Cars behind keep horning. And came that 2 "smart" guys! What the...!!!

Well, It's good that my car was at the side, not blocking anybody. After 5 minutes, came a guard. He asked for my permission to push my car to another corner. Due to the two "GREAT" experiences just now, i intended to get down from my car to push it again. But he said," Jangan bimbang, tak payah turun!" Then he called another guard to help. My role was to control the steering wheel and my brakes. This made me feel better. It convinced me that there are gentlemen or people with courtesy on earth still.

Kok Ming came after the guards pushed my car to that corner. He was there with us when we were waiting for my dad and the mechanic. We waited for more than an hour. I was so tired and moody. The mechanic checked my car. The Alternator was jammed. They towed my car back to the workshop to repair it. *phew*



This is the Alternator. It cost me RM260. Hmmm...













Now my car is back. It's fine now!

Thank God:
1. This did not happen during the trip to Gua Tempurung.
2. Did not happen at night.
3. Another experience with my car.
4. Another test for my patience.

* * * *

You know what? When i was in Kok Ming's car, the radio was playing a song with the lyrics saying "E'verything's gonna be alright!" Though at that moment it did not really comfort me, still this assured me that when we are in difficulties and in need of God's comfort. God will be there. He will use anything that is nearest to you to speak to you! Just that, Are We Listening?!

There was a verse at my hand yesterday:
Philippians 4:19
And my God will meet all your needs according to his glorious riches in Christ Jesus.

I was in need of help, i was so worry and i was alone. He was telling me not to worry. He will send help. He DID!!!

Hate Myself !

Last night, we went to uncle William's place to have a so called "Christmas Party" for the youth. Though i'm not a youth anymore, i joined. Hmmm... I was no feeling well. I was having viral fever. I was tired because i did not sleep well. I did not join them in any games. I am really not sociable.

I understand how other people may feel when they asked me to join this and that and i often rejected their invitations. I know because I've my own Sunday School class. I gotta crack my head to help my children to join in some of the games. I understand... I just couldn't help it. I'm really not open. I can talk to people but not when i'm in a group. I'm a quiet observer.

I gotta accept myself. But i felt guilty when i rejected people. I hate myself for not being friendly. I hate myself for not being open. I really do not know how to make it happen. I forced myself very much. You know what's my worry now? I know i should not worry about it. I know I'm thinking too much. But, this is how i'm feeling now.

I wanna play Frisbee. This Saturday, they are gonna play. I hope to join them. I wanna join them. I joined them when they played captain's ball before. I was very disappointed with both myself and the way they played it. I'm afraid they maybe the same again. Sigh...and i'm very afraid that i may cause them to lose the game. See...I'm too free to think about all these nonsense. Sigh... low self- esteem ah!!! Somebody please help boost my esteem up a bit!

Hmmm...tomorrow i planned to go Tesco alone. I was assigned to get brooms and mops for the center. I laughed when i was assigned to do this. I cannot imagine. Wanwai buy brooms and mops wor. I can harly help my mums with house work. Hahaha...

I shall end my day here. So sad. I should seek God now to find my identity again because i'm looking for assurance from human again.

Chirstmas Outreach

Oh man, today i was being teased by many people. They teased me for wearing skirt. *sob* I do wear skirts, why were you guys laughing at me? Hmm...the first person who laughed at me was Chih Yung, then Arthur, then the gals (Sulyn and Yian Yan). Sigh... Arthur said i looked like aunty. Sigh...fine! Vincent also called me aunty! Fine!!! Vincent, i'll remember you ok!!!

Sigh...Christmas Eve, i looked forward for tonight. I was really excited because my family came to church, chih Yung came and Arthur came. Don't know how i became Arthur's mum. hahaha... Frankly, i was like a kid just now..i couldn't help, i must make Arthur feel warmth. That's my job as a host.

Hope he was ok lar just now...

My Day

Today I'm super free. I sent my mum and my sis to the Energy Therapy. Then i went home. After half an hour I went back there to fetch them. I should upload some photos here. It's really funny. This therapy is not magic but it's gonna help you improve your health. They let you do it for free. They have a nutritionist and they sell health products. Their clients are mostly old folks.

I did not join them though my mum has been persuading me to go for it. Sigh... I just do not like this kind of stuff. I prefer exercise. Hmmm...Here are some photos.




This is the place called U.E.S..








This is one of the therapies. Another two i did not manage to catch the pictures. Hmmm...they are suppose to let this little lamp shine on their affected areas. If your leg is having pain, then shine on your leg. If you have headaches frequently, then shine on your head.

After that, i brought my sisters to Ipoh Parade. I was very angry with Wan Keen, because she threw tantrum there. I bought a Doraemon comic for her. When she was throwing tantrum, she threw the book down to ground floor. At first i promised her to bring her to Marybrown, but i canceled the plan because of her misbehavior.

Then, I went to the Optic to get my new specs and contact lenses. It took me so long because this is the first time i got my contact lenses. It's too hard for me lar. I'm not gentle so very hard to handle the soft lenses. I managed to put them into my eyes though. After i got home i started to online and post blog. I planned to upload these photos once i got back from camp. But i was quite busy that few days. Anyways...my elder sister went back to JB again. She will be back during CNY. My parents were not happy though she came back. My sister is too restrained. My parents did not have their freedom.


Sigh...after online i watch that Frisbee movie. Interesting! I was not able to throw the disk well. I claimed that i'm a visual learner. So after watching it i should be able to throw better? Hopefully. I do not know why i learn it for. Maybe just for fun! It's challenging that's why i like it. When i was throwing the disk, all that's on my mind was how to make it spin nicely. Sigh...I'm really poor in sports. NVm...nothing will happen even though i'm not good in sports.

Then i went to my room. I looked through some books that i'd gone through before. I came across this book called Solving th People Puzzle. I did my personalities survey again. I've combination. I'm high 'S' and High 'C'. Well, maybe 10 years down the road i'll change again. Last time i was high 'D' and 'S'. Don't know what i'm talking about? It's ok.

My time passed very slowly today. Sigh...Finished choir practice then it's already a day gone! Man, after next week i got to start working lar! Hope i'll continue to enjoy my last week of holidays! "Vincent, please go play Frisbee! Come on, before you leave ok?"

After he leaves, i do not think i'll have a chance to play again. *sob*

anyway...Arthur i understand!

Some of the photos

Wai kit kena tembak!! People disallowed him to play. He was sad but still noisy when the others were playing.









I asked for a more "gaya" look lar but then...not up to my expectation yet. hahaha...anyway... would i be sued for putting up these photos? hahaha...




























Hey, hello, i Wanna take picture lar! What are you trying to do? Very gaya ke?




Ha...These were the gals who led worship sessions. They were practicing. I really admire them because they dare to lead. No stage fright at all? I really can't. With my sunday school kids i can, funny huh?! It's the focus problem. During Sunday School i've work to do so my focus was on their performance but leading worship, Em...my focus should be on God but some how my self consciousness is very strong. Sigh...





This was what they were doing during their free time in the camp. I'm not so sure. I just know that Kian Aun was crapping along and he was trying to act like a cowboy i think. Hahaha...Started off with the tambourine then turned out to be cowboy show... Well... I'm blur...



Hmm...The camp ran smoothly without major injuries. 6 of them accepted the Lord. Surely the angels are still rejoicing up there! Pray that they will grow stronger in faith. This camp was a good start for me. This camp enabled me to really see how youths behave. This also helped me to learn to go down to their levels.

My purposes in this camp were to accompany my sister, to learn more about youth and to expose myself to this ministry. Though i've not got the whole picture of what youth ministry is all about, i got to expose myself. The rest of the things, i'll just leave it to God. If God really want me to be part of them, surely He will equip me.

The Spring- cleaning...

The space was just enough for one thiner person to walk.

It will last 10 more years after this spring cleaning. Maybe by then we already shifted to another bigger place where 2 centers can join together as one. I'm sure God will bless us a building in future. In His time!




Not much space to walk. I can easily bump into some of these shelves and stockers. Sigh...My sense of balance is not good lar!









See, the hall is so empty and spacious.









Look at the pretend play room. It was so messy. All because things from outside all shifted in to this room. When i think back, please i don't want another spring cleaning. Tired like hell after carrying all the things out again.




Michelle, Celine and Vincent were in the office. They were doing their work. Haha..look at Celine, look how she sit! Oh man!!! Michelle was busy looking for camera. Hahaha...Vincent was busy checking the reports (his nightmare!)





This is Santiago. I'm not sure how to spell his name but i really, really like his name! Hahaha..Our center had our first spring cleaning after so many years. We finally did it. The Vineyard Keepers helped us out. Frankly, they are really, really helpful! When i asked for permission to take picture from brother John, he was looking at the camera. But then John asked him to do his work. haha...

Can a Guy and a Gal be friends?

Em..I believe a guy and a gal can be friends. They can even be good friends. Those who know the line to be drawn will be safe lar. But for those who do not know that it'll be a bit difficult.

Can i draw the line? It's a good question. Most of my closed friends are guys. I pity Kok Ming. I really thank him for trusting me. So i think i know the line. Not that i do not like gals to be my closed friends. It's all because of my past. That's why now I've phobia mixing with gals. They can betray me anytime. And females are complicated. Though i'm one of them, i still can't comprehend this creature. I did not mean that i can comprehend guys. Just that they are less fussy, not that short fused etc.

Hmmm... But many times when i get too closed i'll start clarifying things. I just want to make sure both parties understand and i just want to be frank. I do not like to be trapped in misunderstandings. Just want to make sure everything is clear. I just do not want to lose a friend. I love every one of them and i treasure them very much!

I've gal friends one, Mun Yan is now the closest i guess. Others will be my classmates, course mates...


Cheers...

Gua Tempurung Trip

Em...Today 8 of us made a trip to Gua Tempurung. I was not supposed to drive there at first but last night Vincent smsed me. He told me that Fei Wong met with an accident. So he would not be driving. That's why i was "forced" to drive there with my OLD car. Hmmm...This is the first time i drove so far. Also this is the first time i traveled so far with my car. We started our journey at 9.45a.m.. We reached there at about 10.30a.m..

Why i agreed to drive there was because of many assurances. Last night i thought back, Sunday Kok Ming allowed me to drive back from Tapah to the Gopeng toll. I experienced driving out of town at least. Then, on Tuesday morning, i talked to Kian Aun, i did not know how we talked about the trip. I asked him if my car can travel that far knowing that i was not going to drive. He assured me that there won't be any problem 'coz the road is straight and flat. Then i asked for Kok Ming's opinion again after i got the SMS. He said OK, just do not push the engine too hard. At night, after i received the SMS. I prayed, i asked God whether those were the signs that He gave to prepare me for this trip. I had peace so i agreed.

Off we went. In the cave, we had fun. I love to go through the water. We got all wet once we entered the cave. Then, we went on the dry,sandy land. We felt so dried and sandy. Most of us hope to reach the river part because the sandy part was quite long. There was a "slide" where we need to slide down to the bottom. I felt so excited about it. But it was painful because i wore shorts.

After a while we reach a very steep part where we need to climb up. I enjoyed it though i nearly fell down from there. Luckily got a few guys standing alongside to help the girls or anybody. Our people sang songs while walking on. hahaha...They managed to entertain other people who came from other states. Which is good.

i think most of us slipped. But i heard some of them from our group teased the one who slipped. Em..then that person teased back saying," I saw you slipped also just now!" To me, when we are in the jungle, cave or any places like this, the chances to get slipped is very high no matter how good you are at all this activities. Hmmm... Maybe they felt good or fun to tease. But i saw that person being teased did not feel good which i think that person felt "fishy". But anyway, good thing is they were not short- fused. Hahaha...

Though their Ego was shown during their conversation. I felt funny, when we saw people slipped, we did not ask "Are you ok?" Instead we teased people. Hmm...This is what we call "surplus behavior". Some of us did ask i saw. Very good! Hahaha...

I was very impatient with some of the gals from Penang. Their feet were stuck in the mud. They were in front of us. So we gotta wait for them and the part was quite steep. I hate stopping like that because i my motor planning and sense of balance is not good. So i did say say something like," Move on please. Don't stop here." Another time was ,"Move to your right, Hello!" I know i was bad lar. I did help them also. Sigh...I must tame my tongue.

After the tour. We went to Kampar to have our lunch. Hmmm...the guys ate a lot. When i saw them eat like that i also feel fulled. After lunch we went Gunung Rapat for Cendol. Hahaha...cool huh?!

I like traveling like this. I like driving. I really love driving a lot but not at night. Hmmm... This is my first time traveling with the 7 of them. First time drove that far. But second time to Gua Tempurung.

This is a good start for me because i seldom talk to the youth. This time managed to talk to a few of them which i seldom talk to. Good trip! Good start!

Just want us to remember that how we use our voice and how we communicate with people is very important. A word can actually kill. Either we make friends or we make enemies.

Make Room in Your Hearts, my Friends

This is my swimming partner. We always go swimming together. When my sister was not with me, he was the one who accompanied me. He went to church before. Guess what? He went to Elim Chinese before. The world is just that small. But he still has not accepted the Lord. He knows many bible verses in Chinese.

He is now working in Penang so we did not go swimming together anymore. He just came to my mind. There was once he SMS me. He asked,"How are you?" I remember that time i was having some problem at work. So i just complaint that I wasn't good and telling him i've problem at work. Then he encouraged me with some bible verses you know, asking me to forgive her etc. It amazed me. I think some of the verses impacted him before. I guess he is still reading his Chinese bible.

Hmm..Christmas is coming. He is one of the people in my list that i want to reach out to. I really hope he will be part of God's family. Pray with me. There are 4 of us in our gang. Another one is back from Maldives now. Hopefully i'll be able to invite all of them to my church. Pray with me!

Pity Him

Sigh...today i went swimming with my sisters and mum. My youngest sis has 2 instructors. One of them is the deaf and dumb one. Today, after swimming for quite some time. I decided to get up. So i went to the children's pool to look for my mum and my sister. Her instructor came to wan sian and i. He started communicating with us with his body language. he even wrote the words out on the pool side to show us what he was trying to say.

He was talking about a shop which helps repair goggles. He was trying to tell us the price at different shops even shops in KL. Em...He asked me to give him my goggles. He wanted to show me different prices for different parts. I refused to give him because i understood what he was trying to say. But he still wanted to look for a pair of goggles to show me. So, he took my mum's. Sigh...

After we took bath, my sis, wan keen, was buying ice cream. He was there. He was "chatting" with wan keen. But then i felt that he was hoping for an ice cream from us. I looked at my mum but my mum did not give me any response. So i just paid and went off.

At that moment, i told myself, i must pray for this person. I did not know why i sympathize him. He owns a mouth, but he can't talk no matter how he wishes he could just talk to make us all understand him, he can't! He can't hear, no matter how he wishes to hear what we are talking about, he can't! I just felt that he is in a very difficult situation. He is lonely. He tried to get business, but how many people will trust his ability. Even if they trust his capability, there will be communication problems.

He is really striving hard. He always looked at me, trying to see if i trust him or not. ( My expression problem i guessed). He is still trying to get assurance from me. I did not know why i felt it this way. His eyes told me that. I could be wrong though.

I was just burdened to pray for him. I hope he will be well. Most importantly,i hope he can come to know our Almighty God. Really do not know how to express my feelings. Sigh... hope he will be well!

Pretty Sad

Toady is our last day of work lar. Hmmm... Kinda unwilling to go off. Why? Maybe because i seldom leave them for this long. And this is a year, i do not have to go for any training. During my training, i seldom miss them because i've buddies there. But now i seem to have nothing to do. Hahaha, my world seems not spinning anymore. I need time to readjust my life for these 2 weeks. Also will miss Vincent's presence with us. Haha...

Hmm.. I think i'll have a lot of outdoor activities with friends or my sister. I can't stay at home. I think i will go swimming very often, go hiking maybe and gym. Hmmm...How else can i spend my holidays? Oh ya, i've not finished reading my book. Christmas outreach takes 2 days, being bride's maid takes 1 day. If Vincent is free, we play Frisbee. I think the percentage of "FFK" by him is very high.(means he can't make it most likely). There's a Christmas Party for children on 20th Dec at Elim, then choir practices. hahaha...quite busy also huh?!

I wanna fly a kite, i've never tried flying a kite. Hmmm...not sure if my "impian" can come true.Hopefully...

I planned to go back to center on Monday to complete the Schedule Boards. See how la.. Not sure if my sis will go with me. Sigh...Many plans in my mind now.

A Pretty joyful DAY...but...!

Hmm..Today was a pretty joyful day for me. I'd completed my work. Tomorrow is my last day or i should say, it's OUR last day of work. Then we will have 2- week break. Hahaha... Battle will start again next year!! I don't wanna think about it now. Let me relax for these 14 days!

Hmmm... Today one of my colleagues was like "Bao Qing Tin", her face was as dark as this "Bao Qing Tin". I did not talk to her the whole day. I just don't want to get from her. She did her work and we did our work. We were the noisiest ones. Hahaha... We as in Celine, Vincent, Cheng Fai and me. We were really noisy. We were working on the Theme Wall. Vincent designed the Theme Wall for next year for Canning Garden center. His Masterpiece you know??

Why were we making noise? hahaha...we were crapping as we work. We laughed like mad. But not Vincent. He was a bit cool today. He still crapped though =) They said i laughed non- stop and i influenced Cheng Fai. Hahaha... He became crazy =P I'm not sure about laughter but i noticed my over- exaggerated reactions influenced them. Hahaha... they started screaming when there's anything wrong. muahahaha...this is what tickled me the most.

Then, Cheng Fai started an irrelevant topic, which was, "Humpty Dumpty is not an egg. It's a Canon." Em... I started asking him why is it not an egg? He said because the rhyme did not mention that it's an egg. Then i asked again, why isn't it an egg? He said because it's not an egg. Can you see our craps? But there were more. Please note that when we were discussing about this, Vincent was sitting next to me. There were no other conversations going on.

But guess what. He started criticizing Cheng Fai, he said, how is it related to us whether Humpty Dumpty is an egg or not. And he started asking the question that i asked just now. He asked,"why Humpty is not an egg?" Then i burst out laughing. I foresee that he'll start asking questions that i'd asked. Then everyone burst out laughing again.

There were more craps and fun in the process of putting up the Theme Wall. I just couldn't put them all in words. Just hope that in future, we can have fun when we work also. Not so stressed.

But we seemed to have groups in this small little center. We were always noisy but there's another half of us were very serious and quiet when they work. I don't like it at all because they seemed very serious and NO JOKE kinda persons. very scary. Hmm...Anyway, different people have different ways of working. We just need to accept each other and continue to serve God in our very special ways.

For those who are in low spirit now, Cheer up!
Life is still BEAUTIFUL!!!

Chao...

Forgiven...

Hmmm...Thanks for praying!

Emm...everything is fine now. Monday, i told myself i must forgive. I must look at her when i talk to her to show that i've forgiven her. And i tried. It went on fine. She kept being lectured by my boss during work. But i can't help much and i better don't get myself involve because I've not settled with my own issue.

I realized that she dared not look into my eyes when she talked to me also. I guessed she was guilty over that issue. If she really thinks that she's right, she will not bother to ask me things. She will ask others. After work that day, i received a call from a volunteer, she told me that one of my students' mum passed away. I informed my boss. Then i informed her.

After a few minutes, she called me back asking me to go lunch with her and that volunteer. But i told her i'll decide the next day as i'd promised to go lunch with other colleagues. I told her that i'll let them decide. At the end, we did not have lunch together because the others did not want to join them. Anyway, everything went on well.

Today, i was able to offer her the junkies that i brought to the center and able to talk to her more. Really thank God i've totally forgiven her. I know there will be more problems to come in the future. I must remember this day. God spoke to me and with His strength, i'd overcome it.

The Shout of God

Remember i posted a blog about a movie called "Facing the Giants"? Hmmm.. i watched it another time yesterday. The first time i watched, i was busy taking care of a toddler. So i missed out many parts. Yesterday, i was quite free, i decided to watch again. I sat in front of my TV alone.

The movie went on until this part where Grant Taylor, the Head coach asked the biggest guy in the team to carry a 160 pounds guy on his back, blind folded and crawled with knees off the ground. The fat guy ( i forgot his name) was very tired, he wanted to give up but the coach kept yelling at him," Don't QUIT! You don't QUIT! Give me MORE! Don't QUIT! 20 more, Don't QUIT! 5 more! 2 more!!!" He yelled at him very loudly.

At that moment, I felt that God was yelling at me! Asking me not to QUIT! I couldn't take it. I nearly screamed. Then my tears rolled down from my face. God was speaking through the coach, through that movie! I was all alone in front of the TV. Who else was He talking to but ME?!

I was having that DVD for quite some time. I was reluctant to watch it again as i'm not a person who loves watching TV. I cannot even sit through a movie if i'm watching it at home. So why that day i spent my time watching that? Why was it after the conflict with that colleague?

God was asking me to give Him more, to forgive one another and to persevere. He had overcome the world (John 16:33), so why am I still having the fear? What is impossible with God? All things are possible with God.

Tomorrow is Monday. I hope i will be able to do what God wants me to do. I really hope that i can look at her in her eyes and talk to her like before. I hope that i can greet her when i see her tomorrow morning. Pray with me if you are reading this. It's indeed tough for me. Really in need of your prayers!! Hmmm...

DON'T QUIT!!!

Phew!

I failed to control my EMO

This morning i was really very unhappy and still very angry over what had happened yesterday. I showed my displeasure to that colleague. I was really angry. My boss was around and she asked me to the office when she saw my reactions. She talked to me. Asking me to let it go. In my mind i know very well that i need to let go. However, when i saw her, my anger was like boiling water from 80'c rise until 100'c very quickly. Sigh... i cried in the office. I was really confused and did not know what should i do and how should i treat her. When i stood firm, she blamed me. When i gave in an inch, she stepped over me. My boss asked me to practice my AUTHORITY. Seriously, i really don't know how. That's why i got so upset.

My boss hugged me and she let me stay in her office to cool myself down. I was in there for 15 minutes. After that i went out. My sister was in the computer room. When i saw her. my tears wanted to flow out again. Then quickly i went to the toilet and keep myself cool again. I asked God to help me stop crying and stop my anger. Then i went out again. i treated her better than this morning. I did not cry anymore and crapped with my other colleagues as usual.

After work, Arthur, Vincent, my sis and i played Frisbee at Polo ground. It was raining and it's still raining now. We played in the rain. I felt so good. With their presence, i really let go of my sadness and i tried my best to play. Hmm..They are fun to play with though our gap is so big.

Hmmm...the most important thing that i want to thank God is, my colleagues did not avoid talking to me, they still crapped with me which made me felt comfortable and not shameful. Hmmm...i hope tomorrow i'll be better.


Love in deed is Love indeed. May be this is a great time for me to show the love of Christ. It's hard but i'll try...

What Happened?

Today is really a bad day... I nearly could not recall what had happened! Sigh..because it's too bad for me! I do not understand how it can become so big an issue! What's her problem?

Early in the morning, that colleague asked me to choose a craft of a bird. Both centers needed it. So i'd chosen one and of course i'll acknowledge my superior and asked for her opinion whether to photostat the "bird" then cut. But i thought we can just trace it out and then make a template and see the outcome. So i suggested her to ask my superior. I was still in that picture. Once my superior agreed to trace it and she was teaching her how to do it, i walked away. I walked away not because i wanted to push everything to her. I walked away because i always do not like to have too many cook in a project. Plus i felt that i do not need to be there so i went to continue my work.

After a few hours, she came to me. She showed me the template while my superior went out. I was surprised to see that the template was that small. Because when we saw it, it was a 2D thing. But when it became 3D, it's too small for our children to handle. So i told her, " too small lar!" I even explained to her why i did not approve. She started her temper. She blamed me for not telling her it's too small in the beginning. ( i can't and my superior can't also, because 2D & 3D thing will give you different perceptions). And the template that anyone of us has made, does not mean that it'll be approved straight away.

After i disapproved, she said she want to cancel this activity. She said that she wanted to change to another craft. This is not the first time. Whatever she cannot find or did not make an effort to look for it or people disapprove it, she will tend to cancel it. I really hate this frankly. What kind of attitude is this? A 40 plus year- old lady does things like this? After she walked away, she started scolding me. She even accused me to purposely trick her and make her fall into my trap! Oh man, i started crying when i heard this. I really cried. This is the first time i cried like this at my work place.

My boss was there. She came in to comfort me. She even brought her in to talk about it. She kept on accusing me. She said she was disappointed with me. She said i did not spend time discussing with her (which i did). I left after i knew that my superior took over. Then she changed, she said that i can't make decision. I wanted my superior's opinion because both centers will be using it. So if we both can determine a size then it'll make things easier. Then she said
i purposely set trap for her. I was so darn busy, where in the world do i have time to set trap for her? Man, what is this?! Then she blamed me for
not respecting her. I don't see how i did not respect her.

After a while my superior came back. My boss asked her in to the room and asked for her opinion about the bird template. She said the same thing as i'd said and she even emphasized that first template may not be approved straight away, may need to do a few times because of changes. My boss said the same thing. The best part was she cried. I could not understand why she cried when we were discussing about the matter. When she was scolding me outside the room, i cried alone. I did not even go out to scold her back. Why was she crying? I tried to Analise it this whole day.

All these happened before lunch. I went out of the room, i went to toilet. I cried until i stopped. Then i told myself i do not want to cry anymore. I want to talk to my other colleagues as usual and i hope so much that they won't avoid me because of i cried. But they did not avoid me.

I was on duty to share on God's word today. When i was in the toilet, i told God. I said, God let me share as what i had prepared. And it turned out to be fine. There were laughters and sharings from other colleagues. Hmmm... Then i got back to work. I still took my lunch. I fought with my sadness. I said i will eat even if i'm sad now. A lot of self talking.

After work, once i got into my car, i broke down again. Sigh... when i was in church during the prayer meet, that 2 opening songs i couldn't sing. Tears kept swelling. I swallowed it back. And during the sharing in small group, tears kept swelling again. Sigh...gotta swallow them back again. My head is in pain now. Sigh...but i was fine during the choir practice.

Sigh...a few reasons that she could throw tantrum like that:
1. PMS
2. Family has problem
3. Selfish because she wanted to complete her work fast.
4. Rigid, not flexible.



Sigh...very sad ah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Bad Day Again..not really bad just Emotionally Disturbed

Today I showed my frustration to her again. To her, yes! This happened because of the monthly programme again. I got frustrated because she always wants to have the last word and she always wants to involve other people when anyone questions her. She likes to fight back. She assumed i'll remember things for her again and again. I'd warned her the last time, "Do not assume!" I give suggestion and i will not remember it, things that were not confirmed i will not remember. I've so many things to think and remember. I am quite busy these few months. Sigh...why can't she use her common sense a bit?

I've never seen such a selfish person. She is a kind who want to finish her stuff fast and never think of other people's situation. She kept chasing me not only me, but others to get her things done. I really can't bear. This is her PERSONALITY!!! Sigh...

Frankly, i always felt bad when i lost my temper. Everyday, i see her and whenever she speaks, she will make people feel uncomfortable until at one time, she made one of colleagues cried! I really can't bear. Last night, i was not able to sleep well because i was trying to identify my feelings toward her. Do i hate her? Or because i still can't accept her?

In my head, i know i have to accept but when i see her, i want to avoid her. Sigh...i just don't know what i want to do with her. How should i treat her? What i mentioned above are only part of the stories, there are more unacceptable stories but i don't want to tell. In short, she just made me feel very uneasy.

There were many times she painted many different pictures to different people just to protect herself. She nearly caused division between me and my boss. Thank God we have the quiet understanding. Last night i sms my boss, i said i need to talk to her to settle the issue in me. I couldn't identify my feelings towards her.

So this morning we talked and i told her my feelings. She said some times she does have these feelings as well but we need to use our wisdom. When there is a need to tell her off, gotta do it. If there's nothing we can do to change her way, we have to change. If she doesn't want to change and can't see her problem we can't do anything. Nobody can help. Not even God. I'm reading this book called " Six steps to Emotional Freedom". The author said, God will not just heal us like that because He wants us to go through the process. We need to move out from our comfort zone. If He just heal us than we won't learn anything.

hmmm... i agreed! Sigh...i really hope that our relationship will get better. If you ask me whether i love her, Frankly, i love her. If she has any problem, my heart will go out for her. I tried to be her listener, her son's tutor, a good leader, but i think i still failed. Sigh...Why? That's why i don't want to be a leader. I hate to be a leader but God has been preparing me. Since the day i started working. Sigh...

I learned not to justify things. Let the truth reveal by itself. Let the people around me discover me by themselves. Though they may see me negatively. They may pass false judgment on me. I do not need to justify. And i found out that, justifying is a very selfish act. We want to justify because we want to protect ourselves. Go back to God and He will be our comfort. He will surely be there for us.

i must make sure i'll be able to control myself. My emotion. Sorry Vincent, sorry Arthur. Sorry for frightening you guys!
Thanks for cheering me up this evening!!! You guys are great! You guys really spiced up my life :)

I'm a Lesbian?

There is this guy called Arthur came to our center as a volunteer. When he came he was very cooled. He did not talk at all even when we called him etc. But me bad, i kept disturbing him. Hahaha... I pity him because he sat there alone with his work. There were 3 people at that working table, a student's mum, Arthur and I. So, he was a bit shy when that mother was around. After she left that table he started talking to me. Asking me questions and complaining about the work.

After that, he kept asking about my personal stuff. They way he asked question is by giving negative comments then only look for truth. Hahaha... how weird. So first comment was " I think nobody would want you as girl friend." After that we talked about other things. Second question came. " Are you a lesbian?" Then i was stunned, the small voice in my heart was saying,"hey kid, what is wrong with you or something? Did i "step on your tail"?"

Then i burst out laughing. He laughed with me. Then he started telling the lesbian story. He told me that he slapped a lesbain before. I was like em... ok. How dare you, slap? According to him, a friend of him introduced him a girl whom is not a lesbian. Then another girl whom is a lesbian ran over and took off that girl's top then accused him. That's why he slapped that lesbian.

Hmmm... School life can be this complicated. Then came the third question, "Why don't you go overseas to continue your studies?" Hmmm.. When i got this question i was thinking "Wow, kid, your so innocent, not that you want to go means you can go!" But he does not know my background. All he wanted to say was he would wanna go. And he thought i am still 17/ 18 years old. Hahaha...can bluff people with my face huh?

I was and am not mad with his questions. I felt very ticklish and the word "lesbian" is really something new. People said i'm boyish/ tomboy and one of my friends said he never treats me as a girl. But lesbian...hmmm...

hahahaha..how amazing...

I'm Touched. We just need to TRUST!

Hmmm... From last night until now i was amazed by many things. A friend of mine chatted with me last night and said that i encouraged him in some ways. Well, he has not told me how i'd encouraged him. I reflected about things that i'd done, to me i don't think i'm encouraging anybody. However I did.

I was amazed and i'm still looking for ways to accept that comment. Low self- esteem, really can't help to go through this. Anyway, i'm encouraged by his comment.

I don't know how many people have watched this movie called " Facing the Giants". It's a good show indeed. Very encouraging and it assured me again that with God, all things are possible. Hmmm... In my head i know it, somehow it's hard to trust or have faith in Him.

But God really did so many miracles in my life and in what i'm doing right now. The Sunday School closing, my students had to act and present a mime. You know, we practiced for a month, but the result was not satisfying. And all of us were very worried about the kids on the real day. But the night before that, i had a dream or i should say i had a nightmare. I dreamt that they were not taking instructions well, they performed badly. But i know my dream, if it's a bad one then in the real situation will turn out to be good.

I was assured by God through dreams even if you don't believe so. I've journal on my dreams. On that day i was not worried. I left everything to God and i know that He will take care of it. Whereas, my fellow partners and other teachers were nervous. I was still a little nervous until God answered all my prayers before everything started that day.

Oops, back to that movie. There is a question asked by the American Football coach after they won the game. "What is impossible with God??" All the players said, " NOTHING!" It's really true. I was very touched, that coach was blessed richly by God. He has an old car and he wanted to change but he can't afford but through out the days, God blessed him one 4- wheeled. And his wife who has difficulty to conceive, at the end she got it. There seemed no hope for his team to win, but they won. You see, "What is impossible with God?"

The answer is "NOTHING, Nothing at all!"

This morning, uncle William played a clip for the church at the end of his sermon. It was about a father and his son who is handicapped. He went through the marathon and triathlon with his son who can't walk and talk. This is the second time i watch this clip but the impact is still there. I prayed to God, i asked God to help me to be like the father who would go through all obstacles by faith and with love for the people around us.

This clip again assured me that God will go through every single problem with me as well. He will never, never leave me behind. And i should not leave anyone behind as well even if they can't meet my expectation. This assured me even stronger that there's nothing wrong with the management at my work place. We should go through every obstacles together though some of us are not able to meet our superior's expectation and this made me understand why God want my superior to manage the center this way. She is on the right track.

What an amazing and fruitful day!!!

depressing

having some illness which i do not know what's wrong with me. Sigh....All i know is pain. Maybe it is because of stress. Hmmm... Going through this "Tomorrow's Story, Gateway to Outstanding Leadership" training by a church member. Em... It's stressful but i know i must go through it. Many times it reminded me that my fear is greater than God.

I believe i am not the "real" wanwai right now or what i'm showing to my friends. i'm closed up. I seldom reveal myself. My real self. That's why people has been complaining, especially one very special friend of mine. This friend had been complaining i'm not real, i'm very fake. i am not what i am when i send sms. sigh...

Inside me i have a lot of things which i want to do. A lot of things which i dare not do. I'm holding back a lot. I've a lot of interferences. Very difficult to overcome. Through these sessions, i went through a lot pains. Can you imagine, i'm a person of no self- worth, no self- confidence and no self- esteem. I can't imagine how i had survived and i'm still surviving.

My mentor helped me discovered my Strengths. She asked me to rate them. Em.. there were two strengths which i cannot accept. I really felt that i'm stupid, what's my problem? I should be happy about it. What's the worse thing that can happen if i just accept these 2 strengths? When she asked me this question, i can't find any answer. Stupid right?

There will be more sessions to come. I want to go through it because i want to change.

WHY?

Phew...today is a tiring day. I just do not know why. Hmm..i went to school today to continue the pilot project. Today i helped the teachers handled a gal who always wanted attention. So she did a lot of stupid stuff to attract teacher's attention. At first i did not know until at one time she misbehaved so i ignored her. Then she started crying. I was surprised, then i started to comfort her and she was okay. I found out she has fear to rejection.

After that i heard about her background and i was really sad. Kind of pity her as well. Some times when i see her my tears start swelling. Sigh...Actually she was rejected by her mother. She is slow in learning but she is a smart one though. Her dad is working in another state. School teachers seldom pay attention to her. She began to stick to me because she knows i love her. She knows that i caught her weak point.

Today when i praised a boy, she kept convincing me that she is a good girl also. When i praised her she began to smile whole day. At first i disliked her. She is not cute and she was naughty. When i found out why she behaved that way i felt very sad for her. Sigh... How can her mum reject her? Why the teachers never tried to understand her? Why we have to neglect her?

When i left her class to another class. She kept calling me. Sigh...my heart was like being cut deep inside. However, there was something that cheered me up. The teachers at the other class are improving. They started to know what to do and they started to know how to handle the children. I'm very glad to see that and really thank God for giving me this opportunity to have more exposure and to grow together with the school.

Though i'll be busier, i'm enjoying my work very much!!!

Something Interesting

I think all these principles are quite true. just found this thing in my Back up file. Hmmm...

Live By Faith, Not By Sight

Here am i once again. This morning when i was listening to the sermon, I was able to concentrate but at the same time this "quote" kept floating in my mind, "Live by faith, not by sight".

Looking at the things that are happening in my life as well as some of my friends' life. I really can see the importance to live by faith but not by sight. You know many things that happen, we may not be able to see the truth. All we see may be just the surface, what really happens we really do not know.

When we truly trust what we see we may fall in to the temptation of judging others. I remember there was this one incident where my friend,Joanne*,out of love ( in fact being tricked), wanted to help that person who cheated her. Therefore, she talked to all of us with the one who cheated her around during a meeting. During that time Joanne* had another closed friend with her and we were in the same meeting. In fact 3 of us did not know that this person were cheating her. So after she talked about it and Jo's friend was one of the victim,in fact she disagreed to tell others about that matter. So she got angry with Jo* without knowing the truth.

She scolded Joanne* and she was very sad. The one who cheated or trying to get attention from Joanne* and the other friend, suddenly did some stunts like being possessed by demon etc. That was what causing Jo's friend to be that mad at Jo. I stood there doubting and in fact got very disappointed with that person who was trying to cheat people, who was trying to get sympathy from people.

See, what we see may not be true. What is the cause, how it happens, whose fault etc etc., till the end of the day we may not be able to find out. If we live by faith, knowing what we are doing and for whom we are doing what we are doing, I'm sure God will give us the wisdom to identify the root of a problem. And with that wisdom and faith, we will be able to stand firm and solve the problem.

Not offended but thanks!

Thanks for you comments. Not offended at all for I've already known all that you have said. Read that from a book called How to Act Right When Our Spouse Acts Wrong and some other books. I'll tell people the same thing as well when i can think straight. Hahaha... But when you are in that situation you might think differently. Just like the stories I've heard from you guys. If i were you no matter how closed i am with that friend, I'll find opportunity to tell how i feel. i find it easy but you find it hard. you see? It's like people know God is good but they just can't accept Him. And like people who knows bible very well but they just can't do what God is asking them to do. The most important thing is we tried and we are still trying. I think show faces is a very spontaneous reaction (of course it's wrong). Especially towards some people who are real fake. Either I'll show faces or in fact most of the time I'll keep quiet when i see something which i do not quite like.

Em..maybe you misunderstood me. I hate it when those who judge me are Christians. And i found that we are influenced by what the bible called weeds in the kingdom. I know we are still human. I cannot judge that they did not try to stay focus as well. I am just expressing my frustration towards this. And in fact i really know myself that's why when i feel that i myself cannot take it anymore I'll walk away so that I'll not be tempted to EXPLODE.

4 ways to handle temptation are:
1. Knows God's Word
2. Avoid the Temptation
3. Say NO
4. Run away.

I found myself in a bad situation so i better leave right? I made my choice but people may see it as mood swing you know. That's why i some times keep quiet suddenly. With or without problem my face is also like that, fierce and melancholic. Even your mum can show temper when she is not in good mood you know. When she does that I'll get very frustrated i do not understand why. Even though her temper was not towards me.

So it's a very normal thing. All i hope is no gossips( i think i cant avoid la). If really need to know ask m,though not on the spot, few days later when you think i feel better. They have a choice to gossip or not to also. I do not expect it from people who do not know me. Say all they want, i really do not care. I just expect those who knows me do it. And for my part yeah I've a choice too. I'm still trying.

You know, the most difficult moment is when you are making that choice. That struggle can kill. Let say when you are angry but you know you should not lose temper. But on the other hand you are too angry, you really feel like letting it off. That's the most dangerous moment where i always fall! Sigh...

That's what make me walk away, keep quiet or make some noises out of no where, talk nonsense excessively or insensitive towards jokes etc!

I should not expect anything from people, i should focus on God himself. Walking in his way and learn bit by bit on the way to eternity. Since the month your mum left, i learned a lot and gained a lot as well. Understanding between some people and me. Learned to calm myself and talk about the matter other days. I'm always a person who can't bear problem in relationships with anybody unsolved. But i am more able now after God's tough training.

Hahaha...i still remember the day we stayed in the office until very late. Since then i learned all these. Remember what i told you about one of my friends? And God used him to teach me.

And i talked to your mum the other day about what had happened years ago. This reinforced what God had taught me. Problems can't always be solved on the spot. It might take years. I guess our chat do help us in our work now and in future. I mean your mum and i.

With -ve Excitements

Phew...This week is really a bad week for me!!! I really hope the bad has gone and the good will come. What happened?? I met with an accident again. I'm tired of telling what had happened! In short, it's an accident! Quite angry about it. After the accident i took a day leave and i slept from 10am plus until 5pm. I just did not want to think about it anymore. Glad that my colleague offered me a lift to work. Glad that another colleague can send me home. After that i went swimming in the evening with a friend.

Hahaha...he commended this. He said," Wanwai, why your luck is so bad! Why you always met those weird weird people?" The first accident i met involved a taxi driver, this time i involved a Pakistanis lady and an Indonesia woker!!! I agreed, why every time i had to meet this kind of people in accident. SUCKS!!!

Anyway, after swimming i felt better. The next day i was down with fever. On and off fever. And just now when i was in night market i nearly fainted for no reason. I suspected myself with low blood pressure. Anyway, nothing serious also. Hmm..

But there are many things that i should rejoice also. My friend told me that only when he is with me,he can be himself. He said i will never let him feel stressed or pressured. Kind of happy, because that's the mission in my life. He is not the only person who said that. I think he is the 3rd person who said that.

Besides, my colleague told me a lot of her personal stuff and issues that she is facing. Or which she refused to face it or couldn't face it. She told me every detail. I do not know why she trusted me so much. She cried in front of me twice. Every time she told me very personal stuff she will ask me not to tell other people even the friend that is quite closed to her. She said even though she is so closed with her friend, she can never share that details with her. I'm honored to be her listener. And today she came back and told me that she was worrying the whole night and wondering why she told me so many of her personal issues. She was afraid that i might look down on her and gossip. I assured her that i will not tell anyone about it. Quite pressured to hold people's secret. hahaha...

Glad that people feel comfortable with me. I think this is the other side of me. Usually people will say i've mood swing. In fact i'm very unhappy about it. When i show faces, i'll have reasons. Sure there is a stimulant. I won't just throw tantrum without stimulant. At one time i was very low spirit because people has been judging me. They did not even try to find out what happened and just gossiping about me being mood swing.

There are many things i get very frustrated with and yet i can't do anything about it. I will keep quiet but if that person annoys me to the extend where i can't bear anymore i'll sure show faces or i'll just entertain that person. One thing good is i will not hold back anything. I'll still keep the ball rolling. If can i'll settle it, if can't i'll just wait or ask some other people to help me. Used to be very eager to solve problem and always very self conscious. i hate to create a situation where i lose my temper or scold people. I suffer after that. I can't bear to see people sad as well.


some people even those who has been working with me for years, they do not understand me. All they would say is "she is not in good mood, do not kacau!" And nobody will come to me and ask,"wanwai, are you okay?" I was really sad about it. That's why when i see my friends who seem not very good, i'll sure go find out their problems before i judge them for not being good mood or mood swing. It's really unfair to that person!"

I REALLY REALLY HATE IT!!!! I DON'T HAVE MOOD SWING!!! MOOD SWING occurs when a person has hormonal imbalance!!! When i show frustration to my work without any further complaints please NOTE that i am just talking to myself or i just want to stimulate myself to move on!!! Just like when people can't fix a puzzles,they show frustrations!!! Just that I'm a bit EXTREME!!! yOU know what is SURPLUS behavior!!! Just like when some people get stressed up, they start eating!!!! Different people have different behaviors, ok!! Do not simply JUDGE!!!
Hello....!!!!!

Please ACCEPT me as I AM!!!


Sigh...I'm so tired of being judged! I can't help with my melancholic face! I can't help, i do not smile always!!! I'll smile or laugh when i feel like it! Do not always say i'm a bitter gourd!! I really hate it and i can't help it!!!

I'm actually very happy because the Lord is with me and He always provides and protects me!!!

You may say it's okay, let people say what they want! Yeah i agreed. But i've feelings! I mind at times. At times i do not care at all. I just feel that if we really care then show your cares and concerns instead of gossiping and judging!

sigh...Only God can understand what i'm talking about. And i'm sure He will bring me to a stage where i can handle all this thing totally according to His way for He had brought me to this stage where i can forgive people easily and i can let go a lot of things which i couldn't in the past! PTL...

Transformers

I finally watched TRANSFORMERS!!!!
Hmm..i fell in love with the Autobots..u know wut? i liked it when Optimus Prime said to his members, he said no matter how, we shall not hurt the human beings..remember, when Bumble bee was caught by the Section 7 people? Hmm..And he even said if he cant fight with Megatron, he will sacrifice himself by putting the cube into his chest!!

i really loved the way he sacrificed himself for others' sake. Hmm..If i were him, would i be able to sacrifice myself for others? I really don't know. Do not talk about others, what about God? can we sacrifice for God's sake? Not in all area right? I think many of us can, but with at least some grumbles. hahaha...that's bad right? Guess we can't help because we are still human and we are not perfect. However, let's not keep using this as an excuse but to try our best to give than to receive.

Another thing is i felt that it's cool to have those cars... Hahaha...real COOL!!! They are like your closest friend who know what you really want and give you a hand when you need any. how many of us can have such friends who really understand us.

I gotta get into my bed. i had bad sleep last night!!! Thanks to the dogs!!! Sucks!!!

Gosh!!!

Man! it's been ages since my last post!!! i started it back now because of bryan cheng. hahaha...
Why? Because he started his blog after reading those Taiwan celebs blogs. hahaha...

Today is quite a boring day. I did not go out until 6pm just now. I went swimming with my colleague, who wanted to look for instructor for her son. I promised to bring them there so i went finally. Em.. i enjoyed today because i stopped swimming for few months. I've been going gym since end of February. Hmm... One of my friends always discouraged me to gym. He said my frame is already broad. But i can't see any changes with my body. Maybe just won't put on weight that easily.

About spiritual fitness, em...think i've been back sliding, not really, just got very lazy to attend prayer meetings. I'm still the regular in YWA. Though i was not praying as much as last time but God has been talking to me. In many situations, He enabled me to think in His way and even when i was lost, He still spoke to me and woke me up from being "sotong".

Yeah, this is my short update i guess....